George Carlin's Views on Aging!

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21 YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop" And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away.

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com

LENNY!

I have read different articles over the years about how we should all make a list of the things we want to do before we die.

One of the things I want to put on my list is to stop procrastinating, because I still haven't made the list.

This was brought home to me today as I was reading the Saturday morning paper and saw an article about a comedian in the 50's and 60's, Jack Roy.

(He used his real name then, Jacob Cohen.... and then Jack Roy.)

Thinking about Jack brought a smile to my lips because he was the poster child for determination.

Good old Jack/Jacob was in show business for 10 years and his career was so small that when he quit........ he was the only one that knew it!

Still, Jacob/Jack never gave up. He went out and got a job as an Aluminum Siding Salesman (The latest thing!) and for the next ten years he supported his family that way before making a big comeback as "Rodney Dangerfield!"

Jacob had hit the big time but I remember him best because he started out as one of a whole gang of stand-up's in the late 50's and early 60's who lived, breathed and worked around Broadway in NYC.

They were the denizens of the night and the original "In Crowd" which included the likes of Mort Sahl, Mike Nichols, Elaine May, Woody Allen, Sid Caesar, Jonathan Winters, Joan Rivers, Robert Klein, Bill Cosby, George Carlin and a host of others who I won't bother to name in the interest of brevity.

All of these "hipsters" plus the musicians, and yes the pimps and hookers all had an unofficial "spokesman," and his name was Lenny Bruce.

NOW, the reason for this long winded narration is this.

Our hapless hero (Jacob) was one of Lenny's best friends and the two of them spent many nights amongst the werewolves and other creatures of the night in the bowels of NYC.

It was a time when the term "Hip" meant Jazz and Junk, and not Pot and Pop.

It was a time of the original "cool" and if nothing else Lenny was one of the coolest cats around!

Lenny was the epitome of the "Beat Generation!"

So, on my list....... (Remember my list?) I had always planned to somehow meet Jacob Cohen/Jack Roy/Rodney Dangerfield and get him to tell me some Lenny stories! They would have been amazing!

But, because I didn't make the list, and so never got around to doing it, the S.O.B. went and died on me and now the opportunity is gone.

How's that for a turn of events, I never got no respect from Rodney Dangerfield!

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com

Sunday Morning Funnies!

If it's "A penny for you thoughts," why does everyone feel the need to put their "two cents worth" in?

The waitress
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said; “No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Newfie!

Every country has a group that is the butt of jokes. In Great Britain it’s the Irish, in Germany it’s the Friese, (ME) and in Canada it’s the Newfie’s

Three women - one German, One Japanese, and a Newfie were sitting naked in a Jacuzzi. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German lady pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained. "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Newfie woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the Jacuzzi and went into the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging out from her behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and just stared at her. The Newfie woman said, "LORD THUNDERIN GEEZE, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTING A FAX."

Daisy

A few weeks ago (January 16th) we told you about James Crane who worked on the 101st floor of Tower 1 of the World Trade Center. He was blind so he had a golden retriever "seeing eye dog" named Daisy and she was with him on that 11th day of September, 2001!

The story was that Daisy led him to safety and then went back into the building twice and rescued over 900 people. After much research by your diligent scribe we have ascertained that the real story is that Daisy led her master to safety all right, but since he was blind they were so slow over 900 people piled up behind them.

Some idiot in the lobby thought the dog was leading them to safety when in actual fact they were being slowed down by the blind guy.

A common, but understandable mistake!!!!!!

AND NOW! OUR SUNDAY MORNING SERMON!

Your "preacher" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Sunday Morning Funnies!

Let's kill two birds with one stone this week. Religion AND Humour.


Allan