More Sunday Morning Funnies!

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way, and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf!'.”
She looked at me and said ... "Take a sweater!"
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You Might Be A CANADIAN Jedi If...

- You are still in the queue for your cyborg hand.
- You keep voting for the evil emperor because "it's better the devil you know".
- Due to budget cuts, your army now consists of Jar Jar Binks and 3 thermal
detonators.
- Chewbacca and Han Solo are legally married.
- You got arrested because you forgot to register your light saber.
- You don't have to worry about Jabba the Hut because he died of mad cow
disease.
- You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with you, eh."
- You have ever used the force to influence hockey games.
- The majority of your fellow Jedi vote "dark side" (especially the Ontario and
Toronto ones).
- You think the ice world of Hoth "ain't so cold".
- You can't actually use you light saber because it has to have a saber lock on it at all times and be locked inside a saber safe with the light in a separate locked receptacle.
- All your spacecraft have all been grounded due to the KYOTO agreement.
- You were refused a position on the Jedi council because weren't fluently bilingual.
- Your Ewoks build dams.
- You believe the Death Star is only destroying planets because of its history of
poverty, and if you are nice to it, it will go away.
- All pod racing advertising contracts went to friends of the Emperor.
- You have used your lightsaber as a source of heat.
- You have used your lightsaber to cut the blocks of ice for your igloo.
- You have sliced open a moose to escape the harsh cold of the average Canadian winter.
- Your lightsaber has a bottle opener on it.
- The storm troopers raiding your home and place of business wear a red serge.
- Princess Leah crossed the floor and joined the dark side.
- You decide to never use the Force in public because some people don't believe in the Force and you don't want to risk offending their unbelief.
- You cheer for the dark side in order to 'bring balance' to the Force.
- You see your role primarily as a peacekeeper between warring, morally equivalent, factions.
- You've ever picked up an OEM equivalent light saber from Canadian Tire.
- You 'pimp' your light saber with Canadian Tire chrome replacement parts.
- You find yourself succumbing to Darth Martin's jedi mind tricks ("You don't want to look into the sponsorship scandal", "I don't want to look into the sponsorship scandal"; "You don't want an election right now", "I don't want an election right now"; "Harper is scary ...").
- Your Death Star garbage ends up in Michigan.
- The Wookiees insist they are a "distinct society" and insist on forcing their impossible language on everyone else.
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A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.
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A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
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Two hunters from Michigan
(true story)

This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now.

The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and
Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!

And you thought your day was not going well?

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 at www.God-101.com