This one is funny enough that it can stand on its own!
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
'Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though!'
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Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Saturday, May 31, 2008
The Argument!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Stuff!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Saturday Morning Confusion #34
This is a mystery worthy of any cop show on T.V., except it's real life Bunky!
Another severed human foot has been discovered washed ashore on Canada's Pacific coast, but police are no closer to solving the gruesome mystery.
The foot, still wearing a shoe, was discovered on Thursday on a small uninhabited island south of Vancouver in the Strait of Georgia, and is the fourth discovered in the region in the past 10 months.
The previous cases all involved right feet still in sneakers, and each was found on a different island.
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police have not said if the latest discovery was a right or left foot.
(DNA testing has failed to link the earlier discoveries to any missing person cases and no one has reported any missing feet so the cops are looking into other evidence that will give them a foot in the door and bring them a step closer to solving this mystery.)
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Car sales given a shot in the arm!
A Missouri car dealer said on Thursday sales have soared at his auto and truck business since launching a promotion this week that promises buyers a free handgun or a $250 gas card with every purchase.
Max Motors, a small Butler, Missouri dealership that has as its logo a grimacing cowboy wielding a pistol, has sold more than 30 cars and trucks in the last three days, far more than its normal volume. And owner Mark Muller credits his decision to start offering buyers their choice of a $250 gas card or a $250 credit at a gun shop.
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Now, forget Tupperware Parties baby, they're on the way out. Here are some facts that I'm sure you will get a charge from!
The latest trend in the States is now leaning towards "Stun Gun" parties!!!!
Thats' right, based on the "Tupperware Party" principal, female entrepreneurs in the States are now selling Tasers as they become "de rigueur" for the ladies.
Sales have skyrocketed and are approaching levels that could at one time have been considered "shocking!"
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And finally, what better way to end this post with our "Loser of the Day!"
Yea, I know some Arabs can talk big but when you get right down to it a lot of the men are just as whipped as their American counterparts!
After 30 years of marriage, cynics might say most husbands and wives would know everything about each other but not in the case of one Saudi Arabian man who managed to live with his wife for three decades without setting eyes on her face.
Not that he had much choice about it. His 50-year-old wife followed the tradition of her native village near the south-western city of Khamis Mushayt and kept her features veiled at all times.
That is until one night last month when the husband was finally overcome by curiosity and tried to lift his wife's veil as she slept to take a look at her face.
This was an error he is unlikely to be given a chance to repeat after his outraged wife woke up during his sneak attack and is now demanding a divorce.
She said her husband apologised and promised never to do it again, but she insisted she wanted a divorce. 'After all these years, he tries to commit such a big mistake,' she told Saudi newspaper Al-Riyadh after leaving the house in disbelief.
Many Islamic countries such as Saudi Arabia and Iran require women to cover their faces in public but in the privacy of their homes there is no such compulsion.
But, even though always remaining veiled - even in front of your husband - is not an Islamic practice, but a very old tradition practised by a tiny minority of women in remote areas of Gulf countries.
Most examples of it are in Saudi, one of the most conservative of countries.
Because this guy that is being divorced by his petulant wife he easily makes it as out "Loser of the Day" but I do have to admit that this practise of being veiled at all times is a hell of a good way of getting all the ugly broads married off!
Your "tell it like it is" scribe;
Allan W Janssen
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Another severed human foot has been discovered washed ashore on Canada's Pacific coast, but police are no closer to solving the gruesome mystery.
The foot, still wearing a shoe, was discovered on Thursday on a small uninhabited island south of Vancouver in the Strait of Georgia, and is the fourth discovered in the region in the past 10 months.
The previous cases all involved right feet still in sneakers, and each was found on a different island.
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police have not said if the latest discovery was a right or left foot.
(DNA testing has failed to link the earlier discoveries to any missing person cases and no one has reported any missing feet so the cops are looking into other evidence that will give them a foot in the door and bring them a step closer to solving this mystery.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Car sales given a shot in the arm!
A Missouri car dealer said on Thursday sales have soared at his auto and truck business since launching a promotion this week that promises buyers a free handgun or a $250 gas card with every purchase.
Max Motors, a small Butler, Missouri dealership that has as its logo a grimacing cowboy wielding a pistol, has sold more than 30 cars and trucks in the last three days, far more than its normal volume. And owner Mark Muller credits his decision to start offering buyers their choice of a $250 gas card or a $250 credit at a gun shop.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, forget Tupperware Parties baby, they're on the way out. Here are some facts that I'm sure you will get a charge from!
The latest trend in the States is now leaning towards "Stun Gun" parties!!!!
Thats' right, based on the "Tupperware Party" principal, female entrepreneurs in the States are now selling Tasers as they become "de rigueur" for the ladies.
Sales have skyrocketed and are approaching levels that could at one time have been considered "shocking!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And finally, what better way to end this post with our "Loser of the Day!"
Yea, I know some Arabs can talk big but when you get right down to it a lot of the men are just as whipped as their American counterparts!
After 30 years of marriage, cynics might say most husbands and wives would know everything about each other but not in the case of one Saudi Arabian man who managed to live with his wife for three decades without setting eyes on her face.
Not that he had much choice about it. His 50-year-old wife followed the tradition of her native village near the south-western city of Khamis Mushayt and kept her features veiled at all times.
That is until one night last month when the husband was finally overcome by curiosity and tried to lift his wife's veil as she slept to take a look at her face.
This was an error he is unlikely to be given a chance to repeat after his outraged wife woke up during his sneak attack and is now demanding a divorce.
She said her husband apologised and promised never to do it again, but she insisted she wanted a divorce. 'After all these years, he tries to commit such a big mistake,' she told Saudi newspaper Al-Riyadh after leaving the house in disbelief.
Many Islamic countries such as Saudi Arabia and Iran require women to cover their faces in public but in the privacy of their homes there is no such compulsion.
But, even though always remaining veiled - even in front of your husband - is not an Islamic practice, but a very old tradition practised by a tiny minority of women in remote areas of Gulf countries.
Most examples of it are in Saudi, one of the most conservative of countries.Because this guy that is being divorced by his petulant wife he easily makes it as out "Loser of the Day" but I do have to admit that this practise of being veiled at all times is a hell of a good way of getting all the ugly broads married off!
Your "tell it like it is" scribe;
Allan W Janssen
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Sunday Morning Funnies #29
I don't know if this is all that funny or maybe just amazing and incredible, but whatever it is, it sure made me sit up and take notice.
Forget Elton John's "Rocket Man" or "The Radar Men From the Moon." There is a guy called Yves Rossi and he actually flies a rocket pack around the Alps.
And finally I will leave you with this little story. (The best for last!)
They always seem to ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and it can be embarrassing at times telling the receptionist what the problem is in front of a room full of patients!
Well, I love the way this old guy handled it!
An 86 year old man walked into the doctors office and when he got to the receptionist she asked; "Yes sir, what are you here to see the doctor about?
The old guy looked at her and said; "There's something wrong with my dick!"
The receptionist became irritated and said to the old guy; "You shouldn't come into a crowded room and say something like that!"
The old guy said; "Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you?"
The receptionist replied; "You have obviously caused some embarrassment in a crowded room like this. You should have come in and said something like, there's something wrong with my ear, and then discussed it further with the doctor in the examination room!"
The guy then said; "you shouldn't be asking people questions in front of a crowd that could be potentially embarrassing to someone!"
He then turned around and walked out of the room.
A few minutes later he came back in and approached the receptionist again.
The receptionist smiled smugly and said; "Yes?"
"There is something wrong with my ear!" said the old guy.
The receptionist smiled again and nodded approvingly, noting that he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear?" she inquired.
"I can't piss out of it!" He said.
We don't know what she said next because everyone was laughing too hard.
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Friday, May 16, 2008
Queers!
After years of research the Perspective Research Department has come up with some surprising statistics about homosexuals.
(Or Gays, as they prefer to be called!)
Although not a strictly scientific study, our results seems to show a definite co-relationship between creativity and talent and a penchant for homosexual behaviour.
As witnessed in the graph shown below.
Although this study was only applied to musicians, it is considered statistically relevant for any creative endeavours, although we would caution that creativity alone is not an accurate indicator of queerishness!
As you can see from this graph we start on the left with someone (Pat Boone) who has absolutely no creative juices or talent flowing in his body at all and is absolutely straight, and then we work our way up the "creativity/talent index" til we get to someone like Elton John who sits at the top of the curve.
A word of caution here......... as you can see from the graph, an overabundance of flamboyant homosexual behaviour can have a backlash effect, as shown in the drop in talent as a person's behaviour gets more outrageous..... with Liberace and Tiny Tim being good examples of this downward slide!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site http://www.god-101.com/
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
(Or Gays, as they prefer to be called!)
Although not a strictly scientific study, our results seems to show a definite co-relationship between creativity and talent and a penchant for homosexual behaviour.
As witnessed in the graph shown below.
Although this study was only applied to musicians, it is considered statistically relevant for any creative endeavours, although we would caution that creativity alone is not an accurate indicator of queerishness!
As you can see from this graph we start on the left with someone (Pat Boone) who has absolutely no creative juices or talent flowing in his body at all and is absolutely straight, and then we work our way up the "creativity/talent index" til we get to someone like Elton John who sits at the top of the curve.
A word of caution here......... as you can see from the graph, an overabundance of flamboyant homosexual behaviour can have a backlash effect, as shown in the drop in talent as a person's behaviour gets more outrageous..... with Liberace and Tiny Tim being good examples of this downward slide!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site http://www.god-101.com/
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
HELLO!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site http://www.god-101.com/
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Sunday Morning Funnies #29
This is dedicated to Sandy Knauer. (To help you lighten up a little!)
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One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously..
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa.” Father said, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know, daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died.
Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say “God bless mommy and good-bye daddy.”
He practically went into shock. Couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home, his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day. You’ll never believe what happened to me.
This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him..
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And an original of mine from the seventies;
Question; Why don't blind people like skydiving?
Answer; Because it scares the shit out of their seeing-eye dog!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously..
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa.” Father said, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know, daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died.
Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say “God bless mommy and good-bye daddy.”
He practically went into shock. Couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home, his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day. You’ll never believe what happened to me.
This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him..
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And an original of mine from the seventies;
Question; Why don't blind people like skydiving?
Answer; Because it scares the shit out of their seeing-eye dog!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Sunday Morning Funnies #73
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the
patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks
and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you
and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home,he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask.
He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long
The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night
The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:
'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks
and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you
and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager
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3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home,he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask.
He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long
The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night
The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:
'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
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Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Saturday Morning Confusion #249
Do everyday things get you confused? Do you often ponder what it's all about? Does day to day living give you a headache? Has your wife had her period so long it's turned into a semi-colon? Are you losing the hair on your head and getting it in your nose and on your ass instead? Is that what's bothering you.......Bunky?
Well, this blog explains it all!
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For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with religion, or marriage, or something, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC has recently revealed the true story...
When a Hindu woman marries, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the new husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, or a motel in the United States..
If there is nothing under the dot, he must take a job in India answering telephones and giving technical advice that no one can understand.
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Unfortunately Barak Obama gets to be our "loser of the day" for all the weird, nasty and just plain strange things Rev. Wright has been saying to the media this past week!
It's amazing what some people will do and say just to keep the spotlight on themselves once they get a taste of it!
That he is derailing Obama in his bid for the Presidency doesn't seem to matter as much as staying in the public eye, so the Reverend gets our "Asshole of the week" award!
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More stuff to bug and confuse us!
1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!
And dat's the name of that tune!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Well, this blog explains it all!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with religion, or marriage, or something, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC has recently revealed the true story...
When a Hindu woman marries, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the new husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, or a motel in the United States..
If there is nothing under the dot, he must take a job in India answering telephones and giving technical advice that no one can understand.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately Barak Obama gets to be our "loser of the day" for all the weird, nasty and just plain strange things Rev. Wright has been saying to the media this past week!
It's amazing what some people will do and say just to keep the spotlight on themselves once they get a taste of it! That he is derailing Obama in his bid for the Presidency doesn't seem to matter as much as staying in the public eye, so the Reverend gets our "Asshole of the week" award!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More stuff to bug and confuse us!
1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!
And dat's the name of that tune!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Nuts to You!
And speaking of wing nuts, (Notice how I segue from one article to another!!!) on Tuesday a State Delegate in Virginia was making plans to ban truck nuts.Now, details have emerged.
Lionel Spruill introduced the bill on Tuesday under the pretext of safety, claiming that replicas of genitalia could distract drivers, causing accidents. He would like to see the display of truck nuts made a misdemeanor, punishable with a $250 fine.
Spruill decided to pursue the ban after a constituent complained about his young daughter seeing them. According to the Associated Press, Spruill said, "Sir, I'm going to be a laughingstock, but I'm going to do it."
He introduced the bill to the Virginia Assembly on Tuesday, undeterred by his past experience trying to ban baggy trousers, saying he planned to bring a set of the plastic nuts with him to prove his point.
"I'm going to bring them out here and show them to you till they tell me to stop."
With that in mind here is the only advice I could possibly add to it!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Sunday Morning Funnies #2 1/2
What Do Retired People Do All Day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumbass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Mary called him a shithead.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
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Guess who's coming to dinner? (Came home early, actually!)
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumbass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Mary called him a shithead.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
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Guess who's coming to dinner? (Came home early, actually!)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Ultimate Blonde Joke:
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don`t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don`t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don`t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What`s the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay", the lawyer continues, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can`t find an answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer. Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Goodnight.
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
PISS OF THE AMERICANS
I realy busy, I'm out of town and "doncha' know I'm outta sight" (Thank you James
Brown) BUT! I jusy heard an article on the CBC news that said Canada is going to require regiatration of ALL firearms. Won't this piss off the Americans!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Brown) BUT! I jusy heard an article on the CBC news that said Canada is going to require regiatration of ALL firearms. Won't this piss off the Americans!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
usup
Drin bak home from the coffee shop I had the most amzin revelation but now vthat I'm in front of the keyboard, do you think I can remember what it was? No way!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Sunday Morning Funnies #36
Who said Scottish Romance is dead! These are REAL ADS from the Lonely-hearts column.
1. Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08
2. Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03
3. Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested In pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82 .
4. Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41
5. Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87
6. Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes. Seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32
7. Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will Include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45
8. Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27
9. Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07
10. Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler Competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, Seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41
11. Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.
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A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train... cause we're going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... 'All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon.
She heard her little darling continue... 'For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'and for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.'
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The Parrot;
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was a total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued.
'May I ask what the turkey did?'
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BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the server, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says,'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you're blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6 f oot tall, 175 lb. blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do y ou still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head,and mutters,
'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh' replied the auditor (somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer; but on he went, in his obnoxious way): 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits'.
'I see' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi...' he went on '...what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete prick'.
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
1. Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08
2. Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03
3. Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested In pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82 .
4. Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41
5. Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87
6. Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes. Seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32
7. Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will Include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45
8. Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27
9. Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07
10. Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler Competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, Seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41
11. Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train... cause we're going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... 'All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon.
She heard her little darling continue... 'For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'and for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Parrot;
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was a total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued.
'May I ask what the turkey did?'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the server, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says,'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you're blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6 f oot tall, 175 lb. blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do y ou still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head,and mutters,
'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh' replied the auditor (somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer; but on he went, in his obnoxious way): 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits'.
'I see' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi...' he went on '...what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete prick'.
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Sunday Stuff!
We have a big time "Asshole of the Week" award for you this time around!
Texas officials investigating a potential child abuse case said on Saturday 183 children and women had been removed from a ranch that is home to a breakaway Mormon sect linked to jailed polygamist leader Warren Jeffs.
Texas authorities descended on the ranch this week in response to allegations that a 50-year-old man there had married and fathered a child with an underage girl.
The ranch is a compound for the renegade Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, a polygamist group led by Jeffs until last year.
In November, Jeffs was sentenced in a Utah court to 10 years to life in prison as an accomplice to rape for forcing a 14-year-old girl to marry her 19-year-old first cousin.
He is in jail in Arizona awaiting trial on similar charges for arranged marriages there.
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Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper is proclaiming victory at last week's NATO summit in Romania after securing allied reinforcements for Canadian troops in southern Afghanistan.
The French have apparently agreed to send in more troops, and the Poles have a few choppers to spare.
Any help wherever we can get it will no doubt come as a relief to our beleaguered Canadian forces fighting on the bloodiest front lines of the Afghan conflict, their casualty rates by far the highest of any NATO country with boots on the ground.
But hold the victory parade for either Harper or NATO.
Strip away the spin, and reality is the U.S. is coming to the rescue in a war that is increasingly difficult to disguise as anything but an American-led effort.
Truth is, most NATO countries have been dutifully serving the cause in Afghanistan only as long as they didn't have to do anything dangerous anywhere their troops might get blown up by roadside bombs, or shot by Taliban guns.
The Bucharest summit didn't change that.
Even the French, who supposedly answered Canada's call for help in the dangerous southern Kandahar region, have wimped out as usual and aren't actually going anywhere near the place and so win our award for "Loser of the Day."
Instead, French troops are being deployed to the less perilous eastern area of Afghanistan, supposedly to free up U.S. forces there to join the Canadian efforts in the south.
It's not as though the Americans are so short of manpower that they need to be spelled off by anyone. At last count, U.S. forces already account for well over 32,000 of the 44,000 soldiers from the several dozen NATO countries deployed in Afghanistan.
On top of that, another full expeditionary unit of 3,200 U.S. Marines is en route to Afghanistan to mount a major offensive over the next seven months, mainly in the south where Canadian troops are fighting.
It seems clear that the Harper and Bush administrations agreed months ago they would publicly try to push the European NATO countries into doing some of the heavy lifting in the southern Afghan battle zones.
Failing that, the U.S. would do whatever was necessary to keep Canada from withdrawing.
When Harper said he was confident a deal could be reached at Bucharest to meet Canada's needs, he likely wasn't talking about NATO. No sir, it was our Winners of the Day," the United States of America!
As was reported more than two months ago, even as John Manley's advisory group was releasing its January report recommending the reinforcements and equipment Canada would need to stay in Afghanistan, the U.S. military brass was in Ottawa arranging to provide it all.
Fact is, despite all the political talk of success in Bucharest last week, NATO isn't answering Canada's call, nor is France. The Yank's are. Period.
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Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Texas officials investigating a potential child abuse case said on Saturday 183 children and women had been removed from a ranch that is home to a breakaway Mormon sect linked to jailed polygamist leader Warren Jeffs. Texas authorities descended on the ranch this week in response to allegations that a 50-year-old man there had married and fathered a child with an underage girl.
The ranch is a compound for the renegade Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, a polygamist group led by Jeffs until last year.
In November, Jeffs was sentenced in a Utah court to 10 years to life in prison as an accomplice to rape for forcing a 14-year-old girl to marry her 19-year-old first cousin.
He is in jail in Arizona awaiting trial on similar charges for arranged marriages there.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper is proclaiming victory at last week's NATO summit in Romania after securing allied reinforcements for Canadian troops in southern Afghanistan.
The French have apparently agreed to send in more troops, and the Poles have a few choppers to spare.
Any help wherever we can get it will no doubt come as a relief to our beleaguered Canadian forces fighting on the bloodiest front lines of the Afghan conflict, their casualty rates by far the highest of any NATO country with boots on the ground.
But hold the victory parade for either Harper or NATO.
Strip away the spin, and reality is the U.S. is coming to the rescue in a war that is increasingly difficult to disguise as anything but an American-led effort.
Truth is, most NATO countries have been dutifully serving the cause in Afghanistan only as long as they didn't have to do anything dangerous anywhere their troops might get blown up by roadside bombs, or shot by Taliban guns.
The Bucharest summit didn't change that.
Even the French, who supposedly answered Canada's call for help in the dangerous southern Kandahar region, have wimped out as usual and aren't actually going anywhere near the place and so win our award for "Loser of the Day." Instead, French troops are being deployed to the less perilous eastern area of Afghanistan, supposedly to free up U.S. forces there to join the Canadian efforts in the south.
It's not as though the Americans are so short of manpower that they need to be spelled off by anyone. At last count, U.S. forces already account for well over 32,000 of the 44,000 soldiers from the several dozen NATO countries deployed in Afghanistan.
On top of that, another full expeditionary unit of 3,200 U.S. Marines is en route to Afghanistan to mount a major offensive over the next seven months, mainly in the south where Canadian troops are fighting.
It seems clear that the Harper and Bush administrations agreed months ago they would publicly try to push the European NATO countries into doing some of the heavy lifting in the southern Afghan battle zones.
Failing that, the U.S. would do whatever was necessary to keep Canada from withdrawing.
When Harper said he was confident a deal could be reached at Bucharest to meet Canada's needs, he likely wasn't talking about NATO. No sir, it was our Winners of the Day," the United States of America!
As was reported more than two months ago, even as John Manley's advisory group was releasing its January report recommending the reinforcements and equipment Canada would need to stay in Afghanistan, the U.S. military brass was in Ottawa arranging to provide it all. Fact is, despite all the political talk of success in Bucharest last week, NATO isn't answering Canada's call, nor is France. The Yank's are. Period.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Saturday Morning Confusion #81
Speaking of assholes and crazy women, (see previous article) I have a few observations about both.
After much thought and a bit of work by the "Perspective" research department, we have come to the conclusion that there are three types of assholes!
The first is the garden variety type of asshole like you and me. We sometimes get it wrong, and for that are glad to have someone to set us straight....... because who likes to be an asshole anyways.
The second type is the asshole who refuses to be set staight.......... like the guys who are religious fanatics or people from Kansas! Ya can't do much with these asshols and are better off just ignoring them.
The third type are the people who not only know they are assholes, but enjoy it! These people have something wrong with their wiring and you should run away from them as fast as possible!!
Nuff said!
Now, about confused people in general!
If you ever want to phone me and you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
After much thought and a bit of work by the "Perspective" research department, we have come to the conclusion that there are three types of assholes!
The first is the garden variety type of asshole like you and me. We sometimes get it wrong, and for that are glad to have someone to set us straight....... because who likes to be an asshole anyways.
The second type is the asshole who refuses to be set staight.......... like the guys who are religious fanatics or people from Kansas! Ya can't do much with these asshols and are better off just ignoring them.
The third type are the people who not only know they are assholes, but enjoy it! These people have something wrong with their wiring and you should run away from them as fast as possible!!
Nuff said!
Now, about confused people in general!
If you ever want to phone me and you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Sunday Morning Funnies #739
Anyone who has seen the movie "Meet Joe Black" will understand how nervous I got this morning when I received a message from "Blog Catalogue" that "Joe Black" has added me to his list of friends. With friends like that, who needs enemies!
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This made me laugh.. hope it does the same for you.........
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: 'Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.'
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read: 'Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.'
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: 'Catatonics and High Colonics.'
No go. Next, they tried: 'Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.'
Thumbs down again. Then came 'Minds and Behinds.'
Still no good Another attempt resulted in 'Lost Souls and Butt Holes.'
Unacceptable again! So they tried 'Analysis and Anal Cysts.'
Not a chance. 'Nuts and Butts?'
No way. 'Freaks and Cheeks?'
Still no go. 'Loons and Moons?'
Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: 'Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.'
Everyone loved it.
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The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert."
"After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.
Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
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A woman comes in late after a night out with the girls.........
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This made me laugh.. hope it does the same for you.........
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: 'Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.'The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read: 'Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.'
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: 'Catatonics and High Colonics.'
No go. Next, they tried: 'Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.'
Thumbs down again. Then came 'Minds and Behinds.'
Still no good Another attempt resulted in 'Lost Souls and Butt Holes.'
Unacceptable again! So they tried 'Analysis and Anal Cysts.'
Not a chance. 'Nuts and Butts?'
No way. 'Freaks and Cheeks?'
Still no go. 'Loons and Moons?'
Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: 'Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.'
Everyone loved it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert."
"After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.
Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman comes in late after a night out with the girls.........
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Bike For Sale!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site http://www.god-101.com/
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com
Friday, March 28, 2008
It's a whole new generation kids!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com
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