Sunday Morning Funnies!

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.

You got nice house........"

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This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came from the box:...........

"Hold on to your hat, I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"

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-A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

-Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

-We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

-Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

-Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.

-GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.

-Axe me about Ebonics!

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A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well ... here it comes..."

Your pal...... Al