Capitalism is alive and well!

O.K., here's the scene. You drive up to the gas pumps and start to fill your tank.................

(Of course YOU have to do it, when was the last time you saw a full serve gas station?)

As your filling the tank a voice beside you suddenly says; "Feeling a bit drained after all the running around you've been doing today? Why not slip into the snack bar and get an energy bar or power drink to get you back on your feet! And remember, we have a sale on milk and bread as well."

Or, a TV screen lights up with a nice tropical beach scene and a voice starts telling you, (As you stand in two feet of blowing snow.) that Scare Air has a sale on flights to the Bahama's or Hawaii.

Take my word for it bunky, there is nothing better than a captive audience and I can see the time coming when your sitting on the can in your favorite watering hole and there in front of you, hanging from the shitter door, is a LCD screen reminding you that imported beer is half price for the next 15 minutes.

Yes kids, capitalism is alive and well in the Western world. The next step will be a TV in your living room that turns itself on as soon as you walk into the room and then starts bombarding you with commercials. Stay tuned!

Your humble servant;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com and the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com

Then and Now!

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1967 - Vice principal comes over to look at Jack’s shotgun. He goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, and FBI is called. Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.
2007 - Police called. SWAT team arrives. Johnny and Mark are arrested and charged with assault. Both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1967 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the principal. He returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is diagnosed with ADD and given huge doses of Ritalin; becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a learning disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is placed in foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist convinces Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself, and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1967 - Mark shares aspirin with principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called. Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. Car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college, and graduates.
2007 - Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given a diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, and blows up a red ant bed.
1967 - Ants die.
2007 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security, and FBI called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates parents; siblings are removed from home; computers confiscated. Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Heather. Heather hugs him to comfort him.
1967 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in state prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

Ain't it the Truth! AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE HOW BAD IT'S GOTTEN......READ THIS TRUE STORY!

Dyslexic Student Expelled Over Toy Gnu

WATERBURY, CT - A fourth grade Oakville student has been expelled from a Waterbury school for bringing a toy gnu onto the property. The action falls under the school district's 'zero tolerance' policy, according to administrators. Officials believe the student, who is dyslexic, tried to intentionally break the policy.

"We're convinced he intended to bring a toy gun." said Meredith Simmons, Principal of Waterbury Elementary. "His reading disability may have confused him about what is prohibited in the policy, but we can't take any chances. That's why it's called zero tolerance."

The expulsion received full approval from the superintendent's office. "We support Principal Simmons' decision." said Milton Decker, Assistant Superintendent. "The toy gnu may seem harmless, but we can't ignore the underlying intent. I seriously doubt any of our students even know what a gnu is."

The student, who requested to remain amomynous, will be eligible for admission next year following a psychological evaluation and sensitivity training. The toy gnu was confiscated and destroyed by janitorial personnel.

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com and the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com

Saturday Morning Confusion #245

Here we are at the end of the week again.

We start out on Monday....
Feeling so well.
We end up on Friday........
Confused as hell!

Hope these help! Shows you're not alone.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

In a world of nonsense, everything something is, it isn't, everything it would be wouldn't, and everything it wasn't, was.

"Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot."

If everything is coming your way you're in the wrong lane!

When ya got em' by the balls...their hearts and minds will follow.

Reality is an illusion created by lack of alcohol.

Excuse me... have you seen my sanity... I think I lost it.

"No Matter what you do there will be critics."

"There are people I would take a bullet for and people I would like to put a bullet in."

"If God didn't want me to do it he would have stopped me."

"The lesson is in the struggle, not in the victory!"

"Knowledge talks, wisdom listens"

I can resist anything but temptation

"I've been rich and I've been poor… rich is better"

If you do it you’ll regret it, if you don’t do it you’ll regret it, either way your going to regret it, you might as well just do it

"Even If It Kills Me, I'm Gonna Smile."

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com and the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com

Thank God for Middle-Age!

This is a repeat of an article I wrote about a year ago!

Thank God for Middle-Age

My wife spent three years in Saudi Arabia in the 1980's and from her observations I can surmise that the average Muslim in the Middle East is poor, uneducated, family oriented and extremely religious. We are not talking about the middle-class or the elite here but just the average Joe,
- or Ali.

The guy on the street in the Middle East (remeber women in Saudi and many other places are not allowed to go anywhere on their own!) has a distorted view of the world because of assholes like this; He explains the difference between men and women.



The Matawah, (religious police) on the other hand are usually young men in their teens or early twenties who do this more for the sake of being in positions of authority than out of any religious conviction.

They might best be described as thugs and hooligans who revel in terrorizing the average person on the street. When passing them it is wise to avert your eyes and look down so you do not incur their wrath, after all they can throw you in jail for any reason and frequently do so.

(Believe me you don't want to be in a Saudi jail. It's about the same as a Turkish jail and for anyone who has seen the movie "Midnight Express" you know what I mean)

As for the terrorists themselves I came across some fascinating information. According to Marc Sageman, a man with the unusual background of a CIA case officer and then a psychiatrist, he had some interesting observations in his book Understanding Terror Networks.

Sageman argues that we are facing something closer to a cult network than an organized global adversary! Like many cults, Muslim terrorists thrive by channeling and perverting the idealism of young people.

As a forensic psychiatrist, he analyzed data on about 400 Jihadists. He found that they weren't poor desperate sociopaths, but rather restless young men who were frustrated by the lack of opportunities in their own country and found identity by joining the terrorist underground.

In fact, ninety percent came from normal intact two parent families, 65 percent had gone to college, 75 percent were either professionals or semi-professionals, and 75 percent were married.

(They see the riches of the people in the United States that is portrayed in the media - and then hate them because they do not have the same opportunities in their countries!)

What transformed these young Sunni Muslim men was the fellowship of Jihad and the militant role models they found in people like Osama bin Laden. The terror training camps in Afghanistan were considered a kind of elite finishing school.

The 9/11 hijackers weren't psychotic killers. In fact none of them had a criminal record! Sageman went on to say that in terms of their psychological profiles, they were as healthy as the general population.

Now here comes the interesting part. The implications of Sageman's analysis is that the Sunni Jihadism of al-Qaida and its spin-off groups is a generational phenomenon.

Unless new grievances spawn new recruits, it will gradually die out as their members mature.

Thank God for Middle-Age!

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com and the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com

For Your Information!

» Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

» 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

» You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.

» The Pacific Ocean fills nearly a complete hemisphere of the earth's surface.

» German chemists have made a replica of the football World Cup trophy that is the size of one molecule. That is less than 100-millionth the size of the original. They were bored.

» The first recording of the human voice, by Thomas Edison in 1877, was "Mary had a Little Lamb."

» More money is spent on gardening than on any other hobby.

» Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

» Most of the vitamin C in fruits is in the skin.

» A bowling pin need only tilt 7.5 degrees to fall.

» The fist product to have a bar code was Wrigleys gum.

» The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.

» A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

» The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

» There is about 1/4 pound of salt in every gallon of seawater.

» Six ounces of orange juice contains the minimum daily requirement for vitamin C.

» American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

» A jumbo uses 4,000 gallons of fuel to take off.

» Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

» The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."

» Children spend more time learning about life through media than any other manner.

» The average child spends approximately 28 hours a week watching television, which is around the same amount of time they spend in school.

» There is cyanide in apple pips.

» Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

» The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottles represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.

» If you lock your knee while standing long enough, you will pass out.

» The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

» Tom Sawyer was the first novel written on a typewriter.

» Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

» The Volkswagen was originally called the "Strength through Joy Wagon".

» Just 20 seconds worth of fuel remained when Apollo 11's lunar module landed on the moon.

» Minus 40 degrees Celsius is exactly the same as minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit.

» Construction workers hard hats were first invented and used in the Building of the Hoover Dam in 1933.

» An average orange falls just as fast as a skydiver. It's hard to catch in free fall, though - the "burble" of disturbed air around the jumper pushes the orange away.

» If you're going to eat fast food, the odds are 2 out of 5 you will buy it at McDonald's, 1 out of 5 you will choose Burger King, and 1 out of 10 for Hardee's and for Wendy's.

» The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com and the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com

Toronto International Film Festival.

I'm in Toronto covering the "Toronto International Film Festival" and we have word this Sunday morning that director Quentin Tarantino is toying with the idea of making a 3D porn movie.

Guess what will jump out at ya?

Remeber, you heard it here first.

Your "On the QT" scribe
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com and the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com

Interview

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at http://www.god-101.com/ and the blog "Perspective" at http://god-101.blogspot.com/

Pssst, Wanna Bug a Cat?

It's been a slow, boring evening so what better way to liven it up than to bug a cat!!

I wonder how many cat lovers I've lost on this "bug a cat" series?

Probably about the same number as dog lovers that I've gained.

I'm betting that there are more dog lovers than cat lovers.

So if I'm right I'm ahead of the game!!








Allan

Saturday Morning Confusion.

Wipeee, I'm rich!
It's four O'clock in the morning and I'm drunk. I don't think you can get more confused than that!!! The worst part is that I have to make all these decisions about what I am going to do with my new found wealth.

Not only did I win a lottery overnight, but I had an unusual amount of letters telling me I have inherited vast amounts of money from people I don't know.

I guess one of the reasons I am confused is that this letter is the best I have seen in a long time and I am almost inclined to believe it.

Please......... read the letter and tell me what I should do.

I am Frank Zorkrah
in Cote D'Ivoire;

Dear Beloved,
I am writing you this letter with due respect and heart full of tears , it is true that we have not seen face to face but i believe that a day begins a journey in human life.

I really need your help, and with assurance that you will help me to transfer this money.

I am the only Son of late Mr and Mrs Zorkrah . My father was a Gold Trader in Monrovia the Capital of republic of Liberia in West Africa ,I want to let you know Sudden death of my father about some months ago, my father was poisoned by his business associates which resulted to his death while my mother died as a result of political crises.

Before the death of my father on March 2007 in a hospital here in cote d'ivoire, he told me that he has the sum of (Four Million u.s dollars ) which he deposited in a bank here in Cote D'ivoire.

He made this money from the sales of Gold. He told me to go and open his file and take the documents of this money and keep it safely for the transfer of the money, He told me that there was an agreement between him and the bank which stated that this money will be transferred to his offshore account for investment but unfortunately he did not open the offshore account due to his sudden illness, therefore he instructed me to look for a foreign partner who will help me transfer this money out of republic of Cote Divoire and invest it for me, My purpose to transfer this money is to come to your country and continue my education and you will invest this money in your business or you look for a good business and put the money because i dont know much on the best area to invest the money, as am still a small boy, as soon as the bank transfer the money to you, i will come to your country and settle my life over there because i have no body here again, my parents are dead including my only sister who was shut died by gun men during the war in my country. i want to trust you. and i hope i can live in peace in your country?

Please tell me how much percentage you will take from the total money as your comission of helping me, but you have to assure me that you will not block me out of the money when the bank transfer the money to you , i can assure you there is No regrate in helping me, this money is my inheritance from my late father, and everything is legal.

I Hope to hear from you,

Frank Zorkrah

(If I'm not able to do this today, will somebody please help this poor man!)


Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com

Waco still Wacko!

Bill Nye, the harmless children's edu-tainer known as "The Science Guy," managed to offend a select group of adults in Waco, Texas at a presentation, when he suggested that the moon does not emit light, but instead reflects the light of the sun.

As even most elementary-school graduates know, the moon reflects the light of the sun but produces no light of its own, but don't tell that to the good people of Waco, who were "visibly angered by what some perceived as blasphemy," according to the Waco Tribune.

Nye was in town to participate in McLennan Community College's Distinguished Lecture Series. He gave two lectures on such unfunny and adult topics as global warming, Mars exploration, and energy consumption.

But nothing got people as riled as when he brought up Genesis 1:16, which reads: "God made two great lights -- the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars."

The lesser light, (the moon) he pointed out, is not a light at all, but only a reflector of sunlight.

At this point, several people in the audience stormed out in fury. One woman yelled "We believe in God!" and left with three children, thus ensuring that people across America would read about the incident and conclude that Waco is as nutty as they'd always suspected.

This story originally appeared in the Waco Tribune, but the newspaper has mysteriously pulled its story from the online version, presumably to avoid further embarassment.

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com

(This blog is about stuff, and I have to put stuff like this in it because.... if I didn't see it in print right before my eyes I wouldn't believe that people can be that fucking stupid!)

A.D.H.D.

Back when I was a kid nobody knew what the hell attention deficit, hyperactivity disorder was all about. They just just just said I was hard to control.

What they actually said was that I was "BAD!" (This was in the early sixties.)

Unfortunately, now it is being used as an excuse for all sort of outrageous behaviour!

Allan

ELVIS NEVER DIED!!!!

Thirty years after the reported death of Elvis Presley your fearless reporter has uncovered evidence that Elvis never really died back in 1977.

It seems it was all false publicity to get Elvis out of the spotlight for a while and give him a chance to rest. Then when he started to make more money "dead" than when he was alive they had to keep him permanently under wraps, so to speak!

Yes bunky, all those Elvis sightings were not someone's imagination after all. Elvis was seen here, there and everywhere across America but since everyone thought he was dead all the sightings were discounted as hoaxes.

Even though he was out of the public spotlight Elvis's health continued to deteriorate due to a bad diet and drug use and he actually did come close to death in the early eighties as this file photo shows!


After an "Intervention" by his freinds and family he regained his health and started living a simple life as a busker in New Orleans where he stayed for about twenty years until returning to Memphis.

Elvis mostly hid out in the back wing of Graceland and secretly watched the tourists as they filed through. He rarely ventured out unless in disguise.

When he did go out his favorite trips were to Disneyland and Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch where he sometimes worked as a roustabout.

He also did an occasional busker job in the south end of Memphis!

Here Elvis is shown in a photo taken on his 72'nd birthday last January 8th.

A small party was held for him at the playboy mansion with an "invitation only" crowd in attendance.


Your "hush, hush and on the Q.T." scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com

Man's Bra

>(I don't know what it is about this picture, but every time I look at it, I get sort of excited!)

Dear Dr. Ruth.

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com

Pick Your Poison!

Shop around kids, we must have somethings you would like to do amongst this selection!

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com

The top 100 reasons it's great to be a woman!

1.We can get laid anytime we want
2.We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
3.We piss sitting down in case we pass out on the toilet when we're drunk -->
4.We get out of speeding tickets by crying
5.We get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg
6.We always sleep in the bed when we fight, you guys get the couch
7.We get to shop at Victoria's Secret -->
8.We can marry rich and then not have to work
9.We pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
10.themWe always have food in the fridge
11.Men light our cigarettes for us
12.Men hold the door open for us ----->
13.We never have to pay when we go out on dates
14.We're cuter
15.We lie better
16.We're better manipulators
17.We can sleep our way to the top of the class
18.Men take us on all expense paid trips- all we have to do is sleep with them
19.We don't worry about losing our hair
20.We always get to choose the movie
21.We dont have to mow the lawn ---->
22.We dont have to take out the garbage
23.We dont have to constantly adjust our genitals
24.PMS- yet another excuse to bitch at men
25.Cosmopolitan
26.We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole
27.Men unlock our side of the car first- a real bonus when its cold
28.Men are like tiles, lay em right the first time ya can walk all over em forever
29.PMS is a legal defense for murder
30.We can masturbate more in a day than men
31.2 words- multi orgasmic
32.We dont have to paint the house or walls ---->
33.Sweat is sexy on us
34.We never run out of excuses
35.Doggie style - that way we get to watch the game too
36.We get expensive jewelery as gifts that we NEVER have to give back
37.You guys think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often
38.We get candy, flowers and jewelery all the time cuz men fuck up so often
39.We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner
40.Women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys didnt know)
41.Women are cleaner
42.We're better arguers
43.We dont always have to think with our genitals
44.Massage!!!!
45.We're better parents --->
46.We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night
47.There's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men
48.Most women actually look good in short shorts- men DONT
49.When women get pissed we take it out on the world in general because we can
50.Menopause- thank god we're not capable of having children after we're 50
51.Menstruation- just another excuse to use so we can say "no" to sex
52.We just go to sleep after we masturbate because there's no messy clean-up
53.There is no penis envy
54.Men in uniform
55.It generally takes us less to get drunk -->
56.We have a higher tolerance to pain
57.We often get to cut in line
58.Better tips
59.We're flexible
60.Women who dont wear underwear are sexy and wild, when men do it, its disgusting
61.We don't embarass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public
62.Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting
63.We can connive men into writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want
64.We dont have excessive amounts of body hair
65.We dont spend 45 minutes on the toilet -->
66.Men will pay us for sex
67.Smoking the seeds in marijuana doesnt make us sterile
68.We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return
69.Woman sweat less
70.Women smell better
71.We can have sex with an entire football team at once if we want
72.Men walk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us
73.We don't have to waste money on cards - a blowjob and sex fixes all
74.Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats
75.Women don't get the humor in the three stooges
76.We're better shoppers ---->
77.We don't get embarassed when buying tampons
78.Women have three accessible holes
79.We have better fashion sense
80.We're better gossips
81.Our friends dont pick on us if we arent sleeping with anyone
82.We dont have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man -->
83.Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not gonna tell you)
84.We're all sittin on a gold mine- we know it and use it to our advantage
85.We dont have to drive when on a date
86.Women know how fake it
87.Women can use "that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn" line
88.An oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time any night
89.Women look better naked ------------------------------>
90.We know that rhythm doesnt only pertain to dancing
91.Women never have to see combat
92.Women do less time for violent crime
93.Women dont have to worry about not being able to get it up
94.Women are sexier
95.Women's conversations consist of more than just "uh huh, yep, ok, then bye"
96.Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood
97.When women are short, we're petite, when men are short, they're just short
98.The remote control is not an extension of ourselves
99.An ugly woman can use makeup to become presentable - ugly men are just ugly 100.We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com

Georgie, this should prove evolution, eh!

(Click to enlarge)
Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com

The Plain Truth About..... Bottled Water!

You might remember a few weeks ago where I found out that the local donut shop (Tim Horton's) was charging more for bottled water than they were for apple juice. (O.K. The apple juice was in a slightly smaller bottle.)

We also found out that most bottled water is plain ordinary tap water that has been filtered one extra time!

Makes you wonder why people, (like my wife) will pay a buck and a half for it, doesn't it!!

It might be worth the twelve minutes or so to watch this video from two of my favourite guys: Penn and Teller!

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com

You have GOT to see this, period!

Does peeling an egg drive you nuts? You have got to see this. It's almost unbelievable!

Watch for the smart-ass smile at the end!

Sunday Morning Funnies, Episode 9.

Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From?

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." she was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Dad....""What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?".
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.".

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!".
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy".
"I know", she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said; "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven."
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes", he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' ".
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?".
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Shit! A talking chicken!"

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks,
"What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. “Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Your humble "old fart" scribe;
Allan W Janssen