Sunday Morning Funnies #1384

Scotish Humor; (Note, might be hard to understand unless you speak Scottish!)

Waiter: 'Are ye here for a special occasion lad?

McGregor: "Aye we won third prize in the annual Robert Burns contest, a haggis dinner for two"

Waiter: "What were the other prizes?"

McGregor: "The second prize was a single haggis dinner, and, if you won first prize, you did'nae have to eat the haggis!"

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An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfoundlander are in a bar.

They're all staring at another man across the room when suddenly the Irishman says, "It sure looks like the lard Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Molson Canadian.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished he approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman
and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement, "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle"

Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get out of the way from the Son of God.

What's wrong my son?" asked Jesus.

The Newf shouts, "Lard Tunderin Jasus, stay da fock away from me boy, I'm on Workers Compensation."

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The Cowboy Boots

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping One of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong Feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than
get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted
to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what
Grace and cour a ge she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He
said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Alabamians, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a " BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes " VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a " LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is " OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3.. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He " INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It' s not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com