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Middle aged heterosexual, WASP male. Semi retired, semi-sane and semi-serious. And endangered species and I'm not going quietly!!!!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Sunday Morning Funnies #36


Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.

On top of religious themes and humor and comments on life in general, this blog does get political at times, since here in Canada we are so pre-occupied with America and it's politics, customs, culture, idiosyncrasies etc.

As a matter of fact, for a Canadian publication that attempts to cater to a world-wide readership, we usually spend most of our time writing about American stuff, so when I ran across this piece it only seemed appropriate that we balance things out a bit.

Especially since Americans in general know so little about Canada, who happens to be your closest neighbor, best ally, biggest trading partner (by far) and in spite of some differences....... your biggest supporter and cheerleader! (Note; There will be a small personal comment at the bottom of these and I would appreciate some responses from Americans. Thank You!)

Here are some reasons to be proud to be Canadian:

1. Smarties
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down
4. Baseball is Canadian
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers ass
10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts ass
11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back...past their 'White House'. Then we burned it...and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied...Go figure..
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.
14. Our civil war was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour. (True, really!)
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught.
16. Contrary to American claims, the telephone is a Canadian invention.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
20. We don't marry our kin-folk.
21. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
22. A Canadian invented Superman.
23. Just SOME of the things we invented - ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone, Pablum: radio broadcasting, snowmobile, Trivial Pursuit, paint roller, farm Combine, zipper, heart pacemaker cobalt bombs and of course…….. CANADIAN BEER!

24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!!

Oh yeah... our elections only take one day and I see you've re-built the White House, ......it's very nice!

O.K. On a personal note; I realize the U.S. has a problem with border security and illegal immigrants so they are building a fence along the Mexican-American border.

This seems a bit drastic to me since the Mexicans are doing all the jobs that ordinary US citizens don't want to do but then I'm only giving a third party opinion.

However, there are some asshole, idiotic, stupid, tunnel visioned politicians (mostly from the southern states) that actually suggest putting a FENCE between Canada and the US as well!

These idiot don't realize that this border has the largest bilateral trade in the WORLD as well as the most tourist traffic of both countries. For example, Florida has NO native Floridians........ the population is 60% Spanish and 40% Canadian. (How about a trade? Quebec for Florida!)

Please leave a comment on what you think of these ideas and take the polls to the left.


OH YEA, I almost forgot! We have also almost completed our take over of the American entertainment industry!

It started many, many years ago with such advanced scouts as Marie Dressler, Glenn Ford, Walter Huston, Louis B. Mayer, Mary Pickford, Ruby Keeler, Mack Sennett,Jack Warner, and Fay Wray.

Then, after preperations were complete the actual invasion and take-over started with Lorne Green and Paul Anka in the fifties and advanced until today we control most of Hollywood and a good part of the music Industry. (RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!)

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com



Anonymous Leah Christensen, said...

I am the official Coffee Crisp smuggler for Sedona Arizona. Just ask my husband Walker, about my mysterious brown suitcase!

I agree, let's trade Quebec for Florida. (Walker, if we did that, that would make DOC an instant Canadian!)

Sunday, February 10, 2008 4:55:00 p.m.  
Anonymous Walker Bennett, SF Author, said...

When Leah was flying down this last time, the customs agent asked "Do you have any food with you?"

She answered "Yes." and surprised the agent. She then opened one of her suitcases that was totally filled with coffee crisp bars. The other suitcase had several pounds of Second Cup coffee...

The guard, a Canadian, laughed and waved her through. When she goes back, I have to figure out how to fill that suitcase with White Castles.


Sign on the ceiling of the delivery room of the hospital at Dover Air Force Base in Delaware (somebody removed it from a door):

"Push, for a better Air Force"

Sunday, February 10, 2008 4:56:00 p.m.  
Anonymous Leah Christensen, said...

Push for a better Air Force.

Walker, I love it!!!!!!

Yes, I'd love to know how you will send me home with a suitcase full of White Castles.

I wonder if they can be ordered on line, somewhere.

Sunday, February 10, 2008 4:57:00 p.m.  

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