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Middle aged heterosexual, WASP male. Semi retired, semi-sane and semi-serious. And endangered species and I'm not going quietly!!!!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Questions about Canada

The TORONTOIST magazine and website gets a lot of strange questions but these 30 all from the same person hold a special place in my heart for this innocent young girl!

1. What is Nova Scotia?

An excellent source of cold beer and warm people. See also Newfoundland and New Brunswick. PEI: the same with beaches.

Avoid Alberta: the beer is cold but bland - and so are the people.

In BC, both the beer and the people get more interesting as you go. In Quebec, beer is served in generous quarts ... and you’ll need a few of them before people warm up to you.

2.Why is Toronto called "T.Dot"?

Because some lame-asses thought it was a cool abbreviation of the already brief T.O.

People who use this term also often think Ben Mulroney has talent.

3. The black people in Canada- are they from the USA?

Gawd! You’d think so with all the oppressed ghetto culture they buy into, but no.

They are predominately Carribean, occasionally African and, very rarely, from the US.

4. Do you have Mexicans in Canada?

We grow lettuce, don’t we?

5. Drugs: What's legal?

Depends on who your lawyer is.

6. Legal system: Is there a death penalty? Do judges in Canada where those silly wigs that they do in England?

No death penalty. And judges only wear wigs and skirts in their chambers.

7. Food: Do you guys have grocery stores, with shopping carts and stuff?

Yes. Please, however, leave the shopping cart at the furthest point from the store so Bubbles can grab it without too much hassle.

8. Is French the official language? Oui? Non?

Oui! Except in Alberta where it’s American.

Like many things in Canada, however, if you don’t like it, you are free to pick something else.

Mandarin is popular, Arabic is gaining ground and Punjabi will always have it’s niche. You can get by with English.

9. If I live in Montreal but do not speak French, will life be difficult?

Not if you speak Hebrew.

10. Where did white Canadians come from? I mean, weren't there Eskimo/Aleutian people there first?

Europe: exporters of fine white folk for more than 1,000 years.

11. Why do you oppress those that aren't white?

Tradition.

12. Does white privilege exist?

Not if you want a job, social benefits or affordable housing.

13. In Michael Moore's documentary, Bowling for Columbine, he visits Toronto or some city near Michigan. Anyway, the people in this particular city do not lock their doors--even when they leave. Isn't that weird?

Actually, it was Windsor and, outside of Toronto, it’s not that weird.

14. Being a US born citizen, do I get priority over other people who want to move to Canada?

Oh yeah. We just luuuuv Americans. Especially those who come here because they don’t like America and then whine about how things are better in the US.

15. What is a bounty?

Average annual snow fall.

16. Is there a gay problem in Canada?

Only for the homophobes. But we’re working on a vaccine.

17. Do you guys have amazon.com?

Uhhh, yesss.

18. What does the water taste like?

Exactly like water. Except in some parts of Toronto where it tastes like old rotten pipes.

19. Why do Canadians pursue a college education?

They aren’t that hard to catch.

20. Why is Avril Lavigne not as popular as before?

Justice.

21. Why is Sandra Oh really famous in Canada, but in the US, she's just blah?

Blah here too: that’s why we sent her there.

We keep our REALLY famous people hidden so nobody knows we have them.

22. Why did Ryan Reynolds leave Alanis Morsiette? He's hot.

She’s cold.

23. Ryan Gosling is hot too.

Maybe we can set him up with Ryan Reynolds.

24. I get anxiety attacks. Can I buy Xanax over the counter or do I need a prescription?

I hate the doctors here! They think everyone is a drug addict.

Shit, I'm not a junkie. :(

You might not need them once you leave the US.

25. Do you guys have AT&T?

Nope. Dixie cups and a length of string will do the trick.

26. Where does the area code 416 go? My area code is 415.

Hey! We’re already neighbours!

27. Does Canada resemble India?

They are identical. Except for the geography. And the weather. And the culture, history, religion, laws, government, architecture, plant and wildlife. And some other things.

Otherwise, you can’t tell the difference.

28. Is there an obesity problem there?

Nope. It’s as easy to be a fat blob here as it is in America: we eat your food, watch your television and share your love of sloth.

29. I don't have anymore questions.

30. Do you want to add something??

Learn all the words to at least one Stompin’ Tom Connors tune, express an interest in clubbing baby seals and be prepared to explain the difference between an igloo and a quince. These points will make your transition to Canada much easier.

Your "Freindly Canuck" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com

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