Sunday Morning Funnies #29
This is dedicated to Sandy Knauer. (To help you lighten up a little!)
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One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously..
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa.” Father said, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know, daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died.
Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say “God bless mommy and good-bye daddy.”
He practically went into shock. Couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home, his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day. You’ll never believe what happened to me.
This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch.”
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A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him..
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'
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And an original of mine from the seventies;
Question; Why don't blind people like skydiving?
Answer; Because it scares the shit out of their seeing-eye dog!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously..
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa.” Father said, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know, daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died.
Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say “God bless mommy and good-bye daddy.”
He practically went into shock. Couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home, his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day. You’ll never believe what happened to me.
This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him..
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And an original of mine from the seventies;
Question; Why don't blind people like skydiving?
Answer; Because it scares the shit out of their seeing-eye dog!
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Labels: humor, satire, sunday morning funnies
posted by Allan W Janssen | 8:35 a.m.
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