- PERSPECTIVE -

- EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM! -

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Middle aged hetrosexual, WASP male. Middle of the road, reasonably sane and  reasonably employed.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Sunday Morning Funnies #733

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

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A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . ..

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

'We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the R !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...

‘CELEBRATE!!!’

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants.

They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?"

"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."

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The Last Glass of Whiskey

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a glass of whisky, takes several gulps and... dies a sudden death.

In Heaven he begs of God, "Please, bring me back to the bar for a moment. I just want to finish drinking. There is still half a glass of wisky left. You can even turn me into a fly or a spider, only let me drink it up."

So God agrees, turns the drunk into a spider and take him back to the bar.

The drunk finds himself on the bar ceiling, just right over the unfinished glass of whiskey.

"How can I reach for it from here?", the drunk asks God.

"You are a spider, aren't you? So you can produce a web. Exert yourself and it'll come out of you, so you can go down to your glass."

The drunk exerts himself and a web really begins to come out of him. He exerts himself again and again, going down to the glass. All of a sudden the web stops.

"What should I do now? I'm doing my best, but there is no more web!"

"Exert yourself as hard as you can!", God advises.

The drunk makes one more effort with his last bit of strength and... Suddenly he feels someone tap on his shoulder... and hears his wife's voice,
"John, wake up! You've SHIT your pants!!!!!"

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com

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