Dating Game

My wife is from Scotland so aside from learning how to speak Scottish I have also come to appreciate the Scots sense of humour.

In typical Glaswegian manner even the lonely hearts advertisements have a distinctive brand of Scottish pragmatism combined with an off-the-wall outlook on life.

Here are a few examples of actual ads in a Glasgow paper. Whether they are on the level or not is rather irrelevant.

*Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, (320 lbs.) Gemini, seeks nimble sex-pot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinnrs and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 457

*Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a "ride," anything considered. Box 34

*Glasgow area man, 35, heavy drinker, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, (smokes) Celtic football club and starting scraps on Argyle Street at three in the morning. Box 201

*Bitter, disillusioned Dunedian lately rejected by longtime fiance seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in the cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 104

*Ginger-haired troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few. Seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 257

*Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes. Seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential. Box 122

*Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 167

*Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of the Orkney's, seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 288

*Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemetaries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 666

*Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Frampton 92's nightclub, Maryhill area in September 1978. Seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please. Box 283

*Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 p.m. and 11:30 p.m. Box 177

*Cullen man, mid twenties, seeks nubile young lady for cooking, cleaning and fornication contract. Must be prepared to ba a live-in and have a strong knowledge of local dialect. Oh, and big tits! Box 192

And you thought dating was rough where you live!