Sunday Morning Funnies!
I am starting a new feature this week. Sunday Morning Funnies!
News is depressing at the best of times so from now on, unless it's the end of the World, humour reigns on Sundays!
Let's start with a cartoon in the London Free Press about the U.S. wanting Canada to increase production in the Oil Sands by 5X!
(I told you we shouldn't let the States know Canada has the second largest oil reserves in the World after Saudi Arabia!)
Next, take my wife..please! No really, my wife is an ardent Scot and I have to listen daily to all the accomplishments of the Scottish people.
On that list is Robbie Burns Day, which is coming up on Friday.
Guess I will have to spend the entire week listening to how he wrote the words to "Auld Lang Syne!"
I don't know what the big deal is about a country where they have one poet and you can only play two songs on the bagpipes! (Stop squeezing and it wouldn't scream like that!)
Next we go all the way down under for a story about how an Australian guy is traveling around the Greek Islands:
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.
Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is traveling around the world and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia.
"Melbourne", he tells her.
“So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.
“Glen Iris" he replies.
“That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I, what street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies.
"This is unbelievable" she says, her voice quavering;
"What number?"
"Number 20", he replies.
She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this,
she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you.”
AND, one of funniest stories I've heard in a long, long time!
This is a true story from the "Word Perfect Helpline," which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. This guy should have received a promotion, not get fired! Needless to say the Help desk employee is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination Without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations)!
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle- it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power...A power failure? Aha!
Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer!"
Allan
News is depressing at the best of times so from now on, unless it's the end of the World, humour reigns on Sundays!
Let's start with a cartoon in the London Free Press about the U.S. wanting Canada to increase production in the Oil Sands by 5X!
(I told you we shouldn't let the States know Canada has the second largest oil reserves in the World after Saudi Arabia!)
Next, take my wife..please! No really, my wife is an ardent Scot and I have to listen daily to all the accomplishments of the Scottish people.
On that list is Robbie Burns Day, which is coming up on Friday.
Guess I will have to spend the entire week listening to how he wrote the words to "Auld Lang Syne!"
I don't know what the big deal is about a country where they have one poet and you can only play two songs on the bagpipes! (Stop squeezing and it wouldn't scream like that!)
Next we go all the way down under for a story about how an Australian guy is traveling around the Greek Islands:
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.
Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is traveling around the world and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia.
"Melbourne", he tells her.
“So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.
“Glen Iris" he replies.
“That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I, what street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies.
"This is unbelievable" she says, her voice quavering;
"What number?"
"Number 20", he replies.
She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this,
she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you.”
AND, one of funniest stories I've heard in a long, long time!
This is a true story from the "Word Perfect Helpline," which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. This guy should have received a promotion, not get fired! Needless to say the Help desk employee is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination Without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations)!
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle- it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power...A power failure? Aha!
Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer!"
Allan
Labels: humour, sunday morning funnies
posted by Allan W Janssen | 9:03 a.m.
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