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Middle aged heterosexual, WASP male. Semi retired, semi-sane and semi-serious. And endangered species and I'm not going quietly!!!!

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Sunday Morning Funnies!

I would like you to know that even though I might make fun of people from the Southern States at times, (You know, Kentucky, Georgia, Alabama, Arkansas, Louisiana etc.) because of their narrow minded, right wing fundamentalist views on Creation, Abortion, Biblical Literacy, Stem Cell Research, The American Way, Scientific Endeavours, Morality and General Sophistication, I in no way mean these things personally and bear you no ill will.

If you don't know who I am talking about, the people in question do!

And by the way, Canada is NOT a foreign country....... Louisiana IS!

(And by the way, Neil Young had it right!)

-You're probably a redneck if you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
-You might be a redneck if your house is mobile and the six cars in your front yard are not.
-You're probably a redneck if you can burp and say your name at the same time.
-You just might be a Red Neck if You've ever used lard in bed.
-You might be a redneck if you buy your mom False Teeth for mother's day.
-You have to help your richest relative remove the tires from their new home.
-Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
-You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
-You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
-Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as
"goin Wal-Martin."
-Your home has more miles on it than your car.
-There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
-Your pocket knife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A”.
-Your sister has a "Soldier of Fortune" subscription.
-Your wife is your sister and your daughter.
Your bank checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
-You've ever stabbed someones hand while reaching for the last pork chop.
-On Christmas eve, you left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.
-When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
-Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
-Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
-Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
-Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
-Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
-Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
-It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
-If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
-Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
-A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
-Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
-Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
-If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

-Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be hand-me-down item.
-While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
-Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
-Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
-Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
-You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
-You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
-You've ever made change in the offering plate.
-If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year”.
-You've been on TV more than five times describing the sound of a tornado.
-You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
-You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
-Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
-You have a special baseball cap for formal occasions.
-Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
-You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
-Your family tree does not fork.
-You know you are a redneck when the only pool u have is a sees pool.
-And finally, what’s the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
………Hey guys watch this!

(With thanks to Jeff Foxworthy for the inspiration!)

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase it's sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged - my wife won twice last week”.

Your "kissin cousin" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

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