Sunday Morning Funnies #215

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'

'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want.

But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out.

But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor. . ..

'We're having a new kitchen.'

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AND SOME FOOD FOR THOUGHT!

-Judge me all you want, but keep the verdict to yourself.

-Behind every damsel is a fire breathing dragon

-Guys are like port-o-potties. All the good ones are taken and all the bad ones are full of crap! -Anonymous

-Every 10 seconds a woman is giving birth, she must be found and stoped

-"Treat everyone the same, till you find out if they're an idiot or not"

-Do I give my friends advice? Jesus, no. They wouldn't take advice from me. Nobody should take advice from me. I haven't got a clue about anything..

-There is a light at the end of every tunnel....just pray it's not a train!.

-Save a baby seal...Club a liberal

-"I hate advice unless I'm giving it"

-"I have the answer in my head. i just havent found it yet"

-"Tradgedy is when i cut my finger, Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die"- Mel Brooks

-People can live one hundred years without really living a minute.

-Never hire a colorblind electrician.

-"They mis-underestimated me." -George W. Bush (president)

-"No one is a failure if they have friends" - the angel from It's a Wonderful Life"

-"Friend are the flowers in the garden of life"

-Yesterday was never here and tomorrow will never be, but today is a gift and that's why they call it the 'present'.

-"All that changes in history is the name we give things." -Harry Truman

-"You never see the bad days in a photo album but it’s those days that get us from one happy snapshot to the next."

-"There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again!"

-"The power to believe in yourself, is the power to change fate"

-"We must hang together, or surely we shall hang separately" -- Benjamin Franklin

-Do not envy the one you admire most, instead, try to make yourself one that can be envied

-"Sinning wouldn't be so popular if it's wages were paid immediately"

-Everyone has music in them. Only the talented have the ability to share it with the rest of the world

-"TO PLANT A GARDEN IS TO BELIEVE IN TOMORROW"

-"The good news is that you may have created my past and screwed up my present but you have no control over my future."

-Do not envy the one you admire most, instead, try to make yourself one that can be envied

-"Love starts with a hug, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear!"

-"Only those who can see the invisible can do the impossible!"

-"Its ok to kiss a fool, its ok to let a fool kiss you, but never let a kiss fool you!"

-"Friends are gods ways of apologizing for our families"

-Life's a garden, dig it.

-"You only live once...but if you live it right, once is enough"

Only after the last tree has been cut down,
only after the last river has been poisoned,
only after the last fish has been caught,
only then will you realize that money cannot be eaten.

-"If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it"-Jonathan winters.

-"The best man for a job is a woman"-Ares (from Xena Warrior Princess)

-"To control others is to have power, to control yourself is to know the way" - Lao Ma

-A woman has to work twice as hard as a man to be thought of as half as good. Luckily this is not difficult"

I believe in angels,
the kind that heaven sends.
I'm surrounded by angels,
but I call them my friends!

And my favorite..........

-You have ONE advantage over me sir,.....you can kiss my ass and I can't!!

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com and the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com