Sunday Morning Funnies!

Smart blonde.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Abstinence.

Three couples go to see their local priest about become members of his church. The first couple are retired, the second couple are middle-aged and the final couple are newlyweds.

The minister told them that if they could abstain from sex for a whole month they would be welcome in his church.

When the month is up the three couples return. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first two weeks, but after that, it was fine. The newlyweds said it was fine until she got the turkey out the freezer.

"What do you mean?" asked the priest.

"Well," explained the newlywed man. "She bent over to get the turkey out of the freezer, and I couldn't resist. I just had to give it to her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said "You are not welcome here."

"I know," said the man. "That's what the manager of the supermarket said too."

My friend is dead!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says: "OK, now what?"

Doctors terminology.

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Wellll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

Barbie & G.I.Joe.

A little girl waits in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "So what would you like for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I'd like a Barbie and a G.I.Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "But I thought Barbie comes with Ken?"

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I.Joe, she only fakes it with Ken!"
(Just what the hell is Barbi into these days?)
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Last year, a BBC News correspondent in Sudan reported that village elders in the Upper Nile state had punished Charles Tombe, who had been caught being amorous with a goat, by requiring him to pay a dowry to the goat's owner, to endure a "wedding" to the goat, and to treat the goat as his "wife" to embarrass him.

The dispatch ran worldwide and was the most popular story on the BBC News' Web site for 2006. BBC News reported in May 2007 that the goat, "Rose," which had given birth to one kid in the interim (clearly, not fathered by Tombe), had recently passed away after choking on a plastic bag. (Gee, that's too baaaaaaad!)

Allan