Sunday Morning Funnies

Let's start off with one for the ladies cause us guys love ya so!

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Men, on the other hand, are like a fine wine.
They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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Jason is a three year old who loves to play; “What sound does that animal make?”
One day while at the petting zoo he did the usual “baaa, baaa” and moo, moo” and “oink, oink!”
When his mother pointed to a group of ducks and asked him; “What sound do the ducks make, Jason?” His answer was; “Aflac!” (North American joke)
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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, either come in or stay out!"
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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?".
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear" she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room".
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy".
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A Paddy walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
Paddy shouts 'Na ol an t-uisce, ta sé lan de chac bo' (Don't drink the water, it's full of cowsh * t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you'.
Paddy shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
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A wise old man retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.
The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that.

In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I?ll give you each a dollar if you?ll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession?s really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I?ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and they continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven?t received my Social Security check yet, so I?m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we?re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you?re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
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AND FINALY.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Your faithful scribe;
Allan W Janssen