- PERSPECTIVE -

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Stuff!

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com

The Real Answer to the Evoution / Creation Debate!

A little girl asked her mother: How did the human race appear?

The mother answered: God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was
all mankind made.

Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered:
Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: Mom how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys.

The mother answers: Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, while your father told you about his side.............!

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com

The Sky is Falling

We are slowly getting into the summer holiday driving period and a lot of people are wondering whether they should stay closer to home with gas prices the way they are!

Let me tell you something folks. The doom and gloom crowd is out in full force!

Oil prices and overall inflation will remain elevated for the foreseeable future, former U.S. Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan predicted yesterday.

"As far as I can tell it's a long-term uptrend," the former central banker told 1,900 people who attended a lunch-time speech in Montreal.
Greenspan said oil prices are rising partly based on market speculation and due to significant structural imbalances in supply and demand.

We now have the experts predicting $200 dollar oil and five dollar a gallon gas with all sorts of nasty results ......... which leads me to believe that oil is about to fall back below a hundred bucks and the economy is poised to cool off some more, and stability to return for at least the short term.

If it doesn't happen in the next couple of months we can count on it by about September!

Why, because when a few smart people preach "doom and gloom," there might be something to it! But, when EVERYONE starts yelling that "the sky is falling," this is about the time things take a turn for the better! It happens every time!

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com

Saturday Morning Confusion #2

If ya ain't confused yet bunky, then this'll do it!

-Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

-Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

-Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

-Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

-Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

-Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

-Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

-Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

-Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

-Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? A phenomena known as carpetuation!

-Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end on your first try?

-How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

-When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'

-Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

-In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

-How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

-The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com

Friday, May 30, 2008

Beavers back in Scotland!

After a four hundred year absence there will once again be beavers in Scotland.

Driven to extinction four centuries ago, plans are underway to re-introduce the "Beaver" to Scotland in a mass government sponsored program.

(Note: Due to translation problems from Scottish to English the Perspective Research Department is attempting to determine exactly what type of "Beaver" they were referring to!)

Goodbye Harvey!

For a million bucks, NAME THAT TUNE!

I was looking at some music charts this morning and got into a section called "The 100 Best Albums of All Time!"

I found a couple of dozen lists with different opinions on just what the top albums were and I have to be quite honest, I didn't agree with any of them!

After a bit of thought I came to the conclusion that the only true test of what the greatest albums were, would be to let the largest number of people possible decide!

How to do this survey? Well, by sales of course!

Let the people vote with their pocketbook!!

(This, by the way, is Capatilism at its very finest!)

So bunky, here is the list of what we all decided was the "cream de la cream!"

(Now I have to tell you that this is North American statistics, but I am looking for European and World Wide fiqures as well. Will let you know!)

Millions Sold - Title - Artist's Name

28 Their Greatest Hits (vol. 1) The Eagles
27 Thriller Michael Jackson
23 The Wall Pink Floyd
22 Led Zeppelin IV Led Zeppelin
21 Back In Black AC/DC
21 Greatest Hits VOL I & II Billy Joel
20 Come On Over Shania Twain
19 The Beatles The Beatles
19 Rumours Fleetwood Mac
17 Boston Boston
17 The Bodyguard (soundtrack) Whitney Houston
16 The Beatles 1967 - 1970 The Beatles
16 Hotel California Eagles
16 Greatest Hits Elton John
16 Jagged Little Pill Alanis Morissette
16 No Fences Garth Brooks
16 Cracked Rear View Hootie & The Blowfish
15 Physical Graffiti Led Zeppelin
15 The Beatles 1962 - 1966 The Beatles
15 Saturday Night Fever The Bee Gees
15 Born In The U.S.A. Bruce Springsteen
15 Dark Side Of The Moon Pink Floyd
15 Appetite For Destruction Guns 'n Roses
15 Double Live Garth Brooks
14 Supernatural Santana
14 Bat Out Of Hell Meat Loaf
14 Ropin' The Wind Garth Brooks
14 Backstreet Boys Backstreet Boys
14 Baby One More Time Britney Spears
13 Frampton Comes Alive Peter Frampton
13 Greatest Hits Simon & Garfunkel
13 Purple Rain (soundtrack) Prince & The Revolution
13 Whitney Houston Whitney Houston
13 Baby One More Time Britney Spears
13 Millennium Backstreet Boys
13 Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band Live Bruce Springsteen
13 Metallica Metallica
13 Greatest Hits 1974 - 1978 Steve Miller Band
12 Abbey Road The Beatles
12 Led Zeppelin II Led Zeppelin
12 Hot Rocks The Rolling Stones
12 Slippery When Wet Bon Jovi
12 II Boyz II Men
12 Kenny Rogers Greatest Hits Kenny Rogers
12 Breathless Kenny G
12 Hysteria Def Leppard
12 The Woman In Me Shania Twain
12 No Jacket Required Phil Collins
12 Yourself Or Someone Like You Matchbox Twenty
12 Forrest Gump Soundtrack Various Artists
12 Wide Open Spaces Dixie Chicks
11 Ten Pearl Jam
11 Dirty Dancing Soundtrack Various Artists
11 James Taylor's Greatest Hits James Taylor
11 Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band The Beatles
11 Crazysexycool TLC
11 Pieces Of You Jewel
11 Houses Of The Holy Led Zeppelin
11 Titanic Soundtrack Various Artists
11 No Strings Attached 'N Sync
11 Falling Into You Celine Dion
11 Eagles Greatest Hits Volume II Eagles
11 Devil Without A Cause Kid Rock
11 Human Clay Creed
10 The Stranger Billy Joel
10 1984 Van Halen
10 Aerosmith's Greatest Hits Aerosmith
10 Best Of The Doobies The Doobie Brothers
10 Can't Slow Down Lionel Richie
10 Daydream Mariah Carey
10 Dookie Green Day
10 Eliminator ZZ Top
10 Faith George Michael
10 Fly Dixie Chicks
10 Greatest Hits Journey
10 Led Zeppelin Led Zeppelin
10 Legend Bob Marley & The Wailers
10 Let's Talk About Love Celine Dion
10 Life After Death Notorious B.I.G.
10 Tragic Kingdom No Doubt
10 Like A Virgin Madonna
10 Music Box Mariah Carey
10 'N Sync 'N Sync
10 Nevermind Nirvana
10 Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'em HAMMER
10 Tapestry Carole King
10 The Hits Garth Brooks
10 The Immaculate Collection Madonna
10 The Joshua Tree U2
10 The Lion King Soundtrack Various Artists
10 Unplugged Eric Clapton
10 Van Halen Van Halen
10 Greatest Hits Tom Petty
9 Top Gun Soundtrack Various Artists
9 Footloose Soundtrack Various Artists
9 All Eyez On Me Tupac
9 Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness Smashing Pumkins
9 High Infidelity REO Speedwagon
9 Greatest Hits Patsy Cline
9 Mariah Carey Mariah Carey
9 Cooleyhighharmony Boyz II Men
9 Garth Brooks Garth Brooks
9 Licenced To Ill Beastie Boys
9 The Sign Ace Of Base
9 Whitney Whitney Houston
9 Escape Journey
9 Best Of The Doors The Doors
9 Some Gave All Billy Ray Cyrus
9 Pyromania Def Leppard
9 Greatest Hits John Denver
9 Brothers In Arms Dire Straits
9 Great Band Era Various Artists
9 Big Willie Style Will Smith
9 Greatest Hits 2 Pac

(On a side note, the absolutely greatest album ever made was side 2 of Abbey Road!-Ed)

The Top Ten Artists in U.S. Album Sales

Number - Artist - Sales
1 The Beatles 106,530,000
2 Garth Brooks 92,000,000
3 Led Zeppelin 83,620,000
4 Elvis Presley 77,280,000
5 Eagles 65,000,000
6 Billy Joel 63,250,000
7 Barbra Streisand 62,750,000
8 Elton John 61,620,000
9 Aerosmith 54,370,000
10 Pink Floyd 52,600,000

There ya go!

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com

CONNECTIONS!

Another in the riveting series about how and why things work the way they do!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Bubble Boy's Bubble has Burst!

We here at "Perspective" have a new name for Georgie W........ "The Bubble Boy!"

It seems that former White House press secretary Scott McClellan continues to press his case this morning that the Bush administration manipulated intelligence to justify the war in Iraq.

Appearing on NBC’s Today show this morning, Mr. McClellan said that the administration ignored evidence that contradicted its position on Iraq, and he sharply criticized some of Mr. Bush’s closest advisers.

(Responding to criticism that he did not voice his objections when he was in the White House, Mr. McClellan said that he was insulated from the real world.)

“I gave them the benefit of the doubt, like a lot of Americans,” he said. Mr. McClellan said he later concluded that “things went terribly off course” in Iraq after he left what he termed “the White House bubble,” where outside views often were not considered.
Mr. McClellan’s remarks came a day after the White House and a tight-knit group of former aides sought to depict him as disgruntled and trying to cash in with sensational allegations to sell books.

John Holusha of The New York Times summed it up best when he said:

The cries of betrayal from former aides served as a stern warning to other potential turncoats that, despite some well-publicized cracks, the Bush inner circle remains tight.

Their language was so similar that the collective reaction amounted to a big inside-the-Beltway echo chamber.
Personally I can't believe that the average American, especially the Republicans, have not seen through this masquerade a long time ago!

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com

Indy is back!

Tomorrow is the world premier of the new Indiana Jones film so we thought you might enjoy this!

Guest Post by Miss Cellania

Twenty-seven years after we saw the first installment of the Indiana Jones series, the fourth movie, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opens nationwide tomorrow.

In honor of the occasion, we’ll take a look at all the movies and tell you some stories you may not know about the Indy franchise.

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

1. It Started with Bond Ambitions; George Lucas wrote a story called “The Adventures of Indiana Smith” in 1973. While on vacation in Hawaii in 1977, he spoke with Steven Spielberg, who mentioned he always wanted to do a James Bond film. Lucas told him the Indiana Smith character was even better than James Bond, and that’s how the collaboration between the two movie giants began.

2. Tom Selleck Almost Starred in it; Spielberg wanted to use Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones from the beginning, but Lucas rejected the idea, since he had already used Ford in American Grafitti and Star Wars. So Tom Selleck was chosen for the role.

However, he dropped out to star in the television series Magnum, P.I. Selleck thought it would be a scheduling conflict, but filming on Raiders of the Lost Ark finished before Magnum went into production.

Nick Nolte turned down the role also. Danny DeVito was the first choice for the character Sallah, but dropped out to do the TV show Taxi.

3. The Fourth Wall; (it keeps out snakes) Indiana Jones is not the only one afraid of snakes. When Marion (Karen Allen) falls in the snake pit, you can see the reflection of a cobra in the glass wall between them.

You can also see a glass wall between Indiana and the cobra in the original movie and videotape, but it was cleaned up for the DVD release.

4. The Temple of Doom (1984) Star Wars Tributes; There are many Star Wars touches in The Temple of Doom. The name of the nightclub in Shanghai is Club Obi Wan.

The sound effect you hear when the lava pit opens as they begin to sacrifice Willie is the sound of Darth Vader opening his light saber.

The sound effect of the plane failure is the same sound effect used for the Millennium Falcon when it stalls in The Empire Strikes Back.

And the vest that Indy wears in his palace room was made for Han Solo.

5. Dan Akroyd has a Cameo; Part of the crew made cameo appearances.

In the airport scene at the beginning of the movie, Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, costume design Anthony Powell, and PR man Sid Ganis are missionaries. Executive producer George Marshall is a coolie pulling a rickshaw.

Dan Akroyd (not a crew member) appears as an airport official who walks the cast to the plane.

6. An Elephant Almost Ruined the Movie; The dress Kate Capshaw wore in the Shanghai nightclub scene was covered with rare vintage beads made in the ’20s and ’30s. The club scene was filmed last, but the dress also made an appearance during the camping scene, where an elephant began eating it! Since there were no extra beads to match, the costume department had to repair the dress as best as they could.

The result was so tight that Capshaw had trouble moving in it when they filmed the nightclub scene.

Costume designer Anthony Powell filled out insurance forms for the dress, citing the cause of the damage as “dress eaten by elephant”.

This was only the second movie for Capshaw, who has a masters degree in special education. Spielberg married Capshaw in 1991.

7. The Last Crusade (1989) Even the Rats were Insured; The thousands of rats used in The Last Crusade were insured. The insurer wanted to know the minimum number of rats the scene could be shot with, and used the answer to write a policy with a “1,000 rat deductible.” The cast was padded with another thousand mechanical rats. Their voices were enhanced with the sound effects of ….chicken voices!

8. Lucas’ Dog was his Inspiration; At the end of the movie, Jones explains to his friend Sallah that his nickname Indiana came from his pet dog from long before.

Sallah responds, “You were named after a dog?” and gets a great laugh out of it.

But it’s true. Indiana was the name of an Alaskan malamute George Lucas owned in the ’70s. The same dog inspired the look of the Star Wars character Chewbacca.

Jones’ real first name is Henry, which is why his father Henry Jones, Sr. calls him Junior.

The characters Willie and Short Round in The Temple of Doom were also named after other people’s dogs.

9. The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) The Sequel Almost Involved Mars; Nineteen years is a long time to come up with a new title for a movie, and many were posed before producers settled on Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Fake titles that have been released over the years include Indiana Jones and the Staff of Moses, Indiana Jones and the Shores of Avalon, Indiana Jones and the Jade Princess, Indiana Jones and the Raiders of Time, and Indiana Jones and the Ravages of Time.

Real script titles or ideas that were rejected were Indiana Jones and the Garden of Life, Indiana Jones and the Monkey King, Indiana Jones and the Saucer Men From Mars, and Indiana Jones and the Red Scare.

Working titles for The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull have included Fourth Installment of the Indiana Jones Adventures,

Indiana Jones 4, Indiana Jones and the City of the Gods, Raiders of the Lost Ark Sequel, and The Untitled Genre Project. It is clear that a lot of work went into the movie before they even knew what it would be about!

10. The Secret of the Film’s Look; Great pains were taken to give the fourth movie the look and feel of the first three, despite the time gap.

Steven Spielberg insisted on using stunt men instead of computer animation. Computer-generated effects are used only when absolutely necessary.

The footage was shot on film instead of digital format. Cinematographer Janusz Kaminski painstakingly studied the first three movies in order to preserve the style of previous cinematographer Douglas Slocombe (who is now retired). The result looks, as George Lucas said, “like it was shot 3 years after the Last Crusade, you’d never know there was 20 years between shooting.” Unlike a certain other George Lucas franchise we all know and love.
* * * * *

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com

CONNECTIONS!

Another in the riveting series about how and why things work the way they do!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

NEWS FLASH!!!

We received an E-mail in the office this morning with a news flash that said; "Jessica Alba likes it huge!!!"

We don't normally do many celebrity columns but since she is an actress who is definitely larger than life. we assigned a couple of the Perspective Research Department staff to go and find out what "it" is!

Will keep you posted.

Your 'all the news that fits' scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com

CONNECTIONS!

Another in the riveting series about how and why things work the way they do!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Twenty One Rules for Turning Twenty One.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to . As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly.. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN.. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com

CONNECTIONS!

Another in the riveting series about how and why things work the way they do!

Monday, May 26, 2008

Oh Shit! Yes, and lots of it!

Members of a small, isolated Amish community are refusing to follow state code in their handling of waste from a school’s two outhouses, citing their religious convictions.

The Amish property owner said he is even willing to go to jail to defend his beliefs.

Local officials aren’t eager to go to that extreme, but are in a quandary over how to assure the laws are applied uniformly and the raw sewage doesn’t contaminate water supplies.

Waste from the outhouses has been collected in plastic buckets, then dumped onto the fields.

The county is demanding the Amish install a holding tank and contract with a certified sewage hauler for disposal.

A district judge last month found Andy Swartzentruber, on whose land the outhouses sit, and school elder Sam Yoder in violation of state sewage disposal law. They have until Tuesday to pay more than $500 each in fines or to appeal the ruling.

“I’d rather go to jail, and abide by our religion,” Swartzentruber told The Associated Press one recent afternoon while taking a break from tilling a field.

While all Amish shun the modern world, the Swartzentrubers are known for their more austere restrictions on technology, more severe limits to interaction with the outside world and more rigid notions of the separation of church and state, Donald Kraybill, an Amish expert at Elizabethtown College said.

Yoder and five other Amish men laid out their beliefs in a handwritten letter to the sewage enforcement agency in January.

It seems their troubles began in October 2006 when residents complained anonymously that the schoolhouse and outhouses were erected on his property without permits.

Residents said they worried about potential water contamination since non of the waste disposal system (Or lack there of)conformed to code.

An inspection found plastic buckets collecting waste in the outhouses, and Swartzentruber told sewage officials the waste was disposed of by being dumped onto his fields, according to sewage agency documents.

County officials said they want to work something out with the Amish. If they choose, they can propose building their own holding tank, as long as it can be shown to meet construction standards.

“People respect their religious beliefs,” township supervisor Giles Dumm said. “Nobody’s coming down on them about that.”

But, he said, “it’s not fair to the rest of the community if some people have to abide by the sewage laws and some don’t.”
Agency, state and township officials have met with Swartzentruber and other local Amish at least seven times since October to discuss permit requirements.

If the stalemate continues, county officials said, another option may be seeking an injunction to prohibit use of the school or the outhouses.

“We feel this sewage plan enforcement along with its standards is against our religious (beliefs),” they wrote. “Our forefathers and the church are conscientiously opposed to install the sewage method accordingly to the world’s standards.”
O.K. kids, listen up! This is one of the best examples of how religion can fuck up your head in no time flat.

To think that some dogma is supposed to prevent you from giving away or even disposing of your shit, and at the same time is threatening the outside water supply is not only stupid, but downright criminal.

I have had all the members of the Perspective research department scrutinise the entire bible and there is NOT ONE any reference to spreading your poop on your fields.

(Besides that, manure from vegetarian animals like cows is a lot better for the crops!)

I can definitely say that the shit is going to hit the fan on this one!

Your "full of shit" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com

Mars Probe Lands Safely!

If you haven't heard by now the latest Mars Lander Probe touched down on the Martian surface last night and immediately began it's exploration of the surface looking for the location of intelligent life on that planet.

NASA in conjunction with The NSA launched the probe after footage of a Martian recognizance team was made public last fall.

Not knowing the true intention of these "aliens" has spurred the U.S. government to find out about as much of the visitors as posssible in the shortest time period.

The Perspective research department has obtained this copy of the video taken of the aliens and advises people to be on the lookout for them and report any suspicious activity!

CONNECTIONS!

Another in the riveting series about how and why things work the way they do!

Sunday, May 25, 2008

The Audition!

Still don't believe in evolution, eh? Take a look at this bunky!

But, it's not all that easy! Watch this guy go to an audition!!!!!

Sunday Morning Funnies #733

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

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A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . ..

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

'We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the R !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...

‘CELEBRATE!!!’

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants.

They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?"

"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."

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The Last Glass of Whiskey

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a glass of whisky, takes several gulps and... dies a sudden death.

In Heaven he begs of God, "Please, bring me back to the bar for a moment. I just want to finish drinking. There is still half a glass of wisky left. You can even turn me into a fly or a spider, only let me drink it up."

So God agrees, turns the drunk into a spider and take him back to the bar.

The drunk finds himself on the bar ceiling, just right over the unfinished glass of whiskey.

"How can I reach for it from here?", the drunk asks God.

"You are a spider, aren't you? So you can produce a web. Exert yourself and it'll come out of you, so you can go down to your glass."

The drunk exerts himself and a web really begins to come out of him. He exerts himself again and again, going down to the glass. All of a sudden the web stops.

"What should I do now? I'm doing my best, but there is no more web!"

"Exert yourself as hard as you can!", God advises.

The drunk makes one more effort with his last bit of strength and... Suddenly he feels someone tap on his shoulder... and hears his wife's voice,
"John, wake up! You've SHIT your pants!!!!!"

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com