Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way, and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf!'.”
She looked at me and said ... "Take a sweater!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You Might Be A CANADIAN Jedi If...
- You are still in the queue for your cyborg hand.
- You keep voting for the evil emperor because "it's better the devil you know".
- Due to budget cuts, your army now consists of Jar Jar Binks and 3 thermal
detonators.
- Chewbacca and Han Solo are legally married.
- You got arrested because you forgot to register your light saber.
- You don't have to worry about Jabba the Hut because he died of mad cow
disease.
- You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with you, eh."
- You have ever used the force to influence hockey games.
- The majority of your fellow Jedi vote "dark side" (especially the Ontario and
Toronto ones).
- You think the ice world of Hoth "ain't so cold".
- You can't actually use you light saber because it has to have a saber lock on it at all times and be locked inside a saber safe with the light in a separate locked receptacle.
- All your spacecraft have all been grounded due to the KYOTO agreement.
- You were refused a position on the Jedi council because weren't fluently bilingual.
- Your Ewoks build dams.
- You believe the Death Star is only destroying planets because of its history of
poverty, and if you are nice to it, it will go away.
- All pod racing advertising contracts went to friends of the Emperor.
- You have used your lightsaber as a source of heat.
- You have used your lightsaber to cut the blocks of ice for your igloo.
- You have sliced open a moose to escape the harsh cold of the average Canadian winter.
- Your lightsaber has a bottle opener on it.
- The storm troopers raiding your home and place of business wear a red serge.
- Princess Leah crossed the floor and joined the dark side.
- You decide to never use the Force in public because some people don't believe in the Force and you don't want to risk offending their unbelief.
- You cheer for the dark side in order to 'bring balance' to the Force.
- You see your role primarily as a peacekeeper between warring, morally equivalent, factions.
- You've ever picked up an OEM equivalent light saber from Canadian Tire.
- You 'pimp' your light saber with Canadian Tire chrome replacement parts.
- You find yourself succumbing to Darth Martin's jedi mind tricks ("You don't want to look into the sponsorship scandal", "I don't want to look into the sponsorship scandal"; "You don't want an election right now", "I don't want an election right now"; "Harper is scary ...").
- Your Death Star garbage ends up in Michigan.
- The Wookiees insist they are a "distinct society" and insist on forcing their impossible language on everyone else.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hunters from Michigan
(true story)
This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now.
The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and
Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!
And you thought your day was not going well?
Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 at www.God-101.com
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Sunday Morning Funnies! Or, just farting in the wind!
First things first, me hardees! Can ye possibly guess what's going on here????
That's right, the Prince did an anal acoustic, arse blaster, fart, backdoor trumpet, break wind, bottom burp, cut the cheese, creeper, deer snort, drooped a rose, fannitosis, fire in the hole, flatulence, fluff (women), gasser, here comes Freddie, hanger (The killer that emerges the morning after two days of drinking and permeates everything, making whatever room you were in unusable for at least half an hour!) kill the canary, morning thunder, one-cheek sneak, poof, poop without the mess, pop tarts, rip one, rattler, rip ass, silent but deadly, S.O.D. (stench of death),smelly jelly (a wet fart), sphincter whistle, tooters, tushie belches, wet one, whallop, and of course toot! We also can't forget the "Dutch Oven!" (Farting in bed and pulling the covers over your partners head to smell it!)
By the way, the Queen was not amused!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What makes farts stink?The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and skatole in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and skatole will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is it possible for a fart to kill you?A great many of you have asked if farts can be fatal, or if you can die from smelling a particularly bad fart. My initial response to this question was "no," but I thought I'd better ask a doctor. So now it is official, the medical opinion I received is no, a fart can't kill you. BUT!! If you fart, burp and hiccup all at the same time it is usually fatal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beans, beans, the musical fruit:
The more you eat, the more you toot!
The more you toot, the better you feel,
So let's have beans for every meal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peaches, peaches, I smell peaches,
Yonder goes a boy with a hole in his breeches!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fart can be useful;
It gives the body ease,
It warms the bed in winter
And suffocates the fleas
Let your wind pass free.
Wherever ye may be
Through Church and Chapel
Let it toot and rattle.
(With thanks to the Missus Herself!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The fart it is a wondrous thing that's made inside your belly,
It comes out of your bottom and is often very smelly.
Now, everybody does them, from beggars through to queens
And you can do some beauties when you've been eating beans!
So don't worry about those rumblings,
Be proud of all your trumps!
But remember, if you strain too hard
Your farts come out as lumps!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here I sit, broken-hearted,
Paid a dime but only farted.
Yesterday I took a chance,
Saved a dime but shit my pants.
Or;
Here I sit all broken hearted,
Tried to shit but only farted!
Here I sit in a trance,
Tried to fart, but shit my pants!
Some come here to sit and think,
But I come here to shit and stink!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Farter From Sparta
(Submitted by Steve S.)
There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
While he played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His reportoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyre!
AND FINALLY:
When you're hot you're hot,
And when you're not you're not;
But when you're on the pot,
Give it all you've got.
Your "odoriferous" scribe;
Allan W Janssen
That's right, the Prince did an anal acoustic, arse blaster, fart, backdoor trumpet, break wind, bottom burp, cut the cheese, creeper, deer snort, drooped a rose, fannitosis, fire in the hole, flatulence, fluff (women), gasser, here comes Freddie, hanger (The killer that emerges the morning after two days of drinking and permeates everything, making whatever room you were in unusable for at least half an hour!) kill the canary, morning thunder, one-cheek sneak, poof, poop without the mess, pop tarts, rip one, rattler, rip ass, silent but deadly, S.O.D. (stench of death),smelly jelly (a wet fart), sphincter whistle, tooters, tushie belches, wet one, whallop, and of course toot! We also can't forget the "Dutch Oven!" (Farting in bed and pulling the covers over your partners head to smell it!)By the way, the Queen was not amused!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What makes farts stink?The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and skatole in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and skatole will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is it possible for a fart to kill you?A great many of you have asked if farts can be fatal, or if you can die from smelling a particularly bad fart. My initial response to this question was "no," but I thought I'd better ask a doctor. So now it is official, the medical opinion I received is no, a fart can't kill you. BUT!! If you fart, burp and hiccup all at the same time it is usually fatal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beans, beans, the musical fruit: The more you eat, the more you toot!
The more you toot, the better you feel,
So let's have beans for every meal!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peaches, peaches, I smell peaches,
Yonder goes a boy with a hole in his breeches!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fart can be useful; It gives the body ease,
It warms the bed in winter
And suffocates the fleas
Let your wind pass free.
Wherever ye may be
Through Church and Chapel
Let it toot and rattle.
(With thanks to the Missus Herself!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The fart it is a wondrous thing that's made inside your belly, It comes out of your bottom and is often very smelly.
Now, everybody does them, from beggars through to queens
And you can do some beauties when you've been eating beans!
So don't worry about those rumblings,
Be proud of all your trumps!
But remember, if you strain too hard
Your farts come out as lumps!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here I sit, broken-hearted, Paid a dime but only farted.
Yesterday I took a chance,
Saved a dime but shit my pants.
Or;
Here I sit all broken hearted,
Tried to shit but only farted!
Here I sit in a trance,
Tried to fart, but shit my pants!
Some come here to sit and think,
But I come here to shit and stink!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Farter From Sparta
(Submitted by Steve S.)
There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
While he played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His reportoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyre!
AND FINALLY:
When you're hot you're hot, And when you're not you're not;
But when you're on the pot,
Give it all you've got.
Your "odoriferous" scribe;
Allan W Janssen
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Today is visual arts day!
Due to gross mis-management of World affairs, the leaders of the G-8 countries have been forcibly retired and put into a nature preserve where they can't do us any more harm!
G8 Leaders, S. Abe - A. Merkel - S. Harper - V. Putin - N. Sarkozy - T. Blair - G. Bush - R. Prodi
"LAND HO!"
Here's something you don't see too often. A tornado just starting to form!
You say you don't know squat about Japanese toilets? Live and learn... the humble squat toilet, little changed from its pre-20th century origins, can still be found in some Japanese homes. Why? Because it works, and works well! The typical Japanese squat toilet looks somewhat like a urinal that fell off the wall, or a porcelain baby carriage half-buried in the floor. Westerners confronted by a squat toilet for the first time may experience an anxiety attack.. where do I sit?? Umm, you don't, you squat. Remember to face the hooded end, where the flush mechanism is, and you're halfway to success.
This is a perfect example of a small meteor smacking into the ocean in the not too distant past!
Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 at www.God-101.com
G8 Leaders, S. Abe - A. Merkel - S. Harper - V. Putin - N. Sarkozy - T. Blair - G. Bush - R. Prodi"LAND HO!"
Here's something you don't see too often. A tornado just starting to form!
You say you don't know squat about Japanese toilets? Live and learn... the humble squat toilet, little changed from its pre-20th century origins, can still be found in some Japanese homes. Why? Because it works, and works well! The typical Japanese squat toilet looks somewhat like a urinal that fell off the wall, or a porcelain baby carriage half-buried in the floor. Westerners confronted by a squat toilet for the first time may experience an anxiety attack.. where do I sit?? Umm, you don't, you squat. Remember to face the hooded end, where the flush mechanism is, and you're halfway to success.
This is a perfect example of a small meteor smacking into the ocean in the not too distant past!
Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 at www.God-101.com
Still More Confusion!
Post No Bills!
I wish she was too!
Bill, Bill, Bill.
Thanks for your support!
How about: "A tree, outstanding in its field!"
Ya fat bastard!
Mom's don't lie!
Saturday Morning Confusion!
This should confuse you some. Especially is you have a Saturday morning hangover!
Jack Sparrow's look-alike
Nick Richmond, resembles Sir Sean Connery. Politicians and actors are also well represented by look-alikes. A leading actor is impersonated by the UK's Nick Richmond, who bears a resemblance to Sir Sean Connery.
Austin Powers's look-alike
Paris Hilton's look-alike
Ozzy's look-alike
Clifton James, a double for General Montgomery. In 1944, shortly before D-Day, M.E. Clifton James, who bore a close resemblance to Field Marshall Bernard Montgomery, was sent to Gibraltar and North Africa, in order to deceive the Germans about the location of the upcoming invasion. This story was the subject of a book and film, I Was Monty's Double.
Liza Minelli's look-alike
Angelina Jolie's look-alike
Steve Sires, resembling Bill Gates of Microsoft. Another well-known look-alike is Steve Sires, who resembles Bill Gates of Microsoft. Sires came to attention when he attempted to trademark "Microsortof," and subsequently acted in some Microsoft company commercials. He has, however, become notorious for taking part in Nothing So Strange, in which Sires' character makes a speech, looks up and is assassinated.
Tom Cruise's look-alike
Bill Clinton's look-alike
George Bush's look-alike
Beyonce's look-alike
Arnold Schwarzenegger's look-alike
Jack Sparrow's look-alike
Nick Richmond, resembles Sir Sean Connery. Politicians and actors are also well represented by look-alikes. A leading actor is impersonated by the UK's Nick Richmond, who bears a resemblance to Sir Sean Connery. 
Austin Powers's look-alike
Paris Hilton's look-alike
Ozzy's look-alike
Clifton James, a double for General Montgomery. In 1944, shortly before D-Day, M.E. Clifton James, who bore a close resemblance to Field Marshall Bernard Montgomery, was sent to Gibraltar and North Africa, in order to deceive the Germans about the location of the upcoming invasion. This story was the subject of a book and film, I Was Monty's Double. 
Liza Minelli's look-alike
Angelina Jolie's look-alike
Steve Sires, resembling Bill Gates of Microsoft. Another well-known look-alike is Steve Sires, who resembles Bill Gates of Microsoft. Sires came to attention when he attempted to trademark "Microsortof," and subsequently acted in some Microsoft company commercials. He has, however, become notorious for taking part in Nothing So Strange, in which Sires' character makes a speech, looks up and is assassinated. 
Tom Cruise's look-alike
Bill Clinton's look-alike
George Bush's look-alike
Beyonce's look-alike
Arnold Schwarzenegger's look-alike
Friday, July 27, 2007
The Whole World is NUTS! Or: "I'll have a beer instead!"
I thought I had seen it all, but little did I know that; "You ain't seen nothin' yet!"
I went into a local donut shop (Tim Horton's) this afternoon and found out that a bottle of apple juice is cheaper than a bottled water!
O.K. - The apple juice was a bit smaller than the water, but Jesus Christ, GIVE ME A BREAK! (What the hell is going on?)
Now here is the real kicker, boys and girls. The water they use is tap water that is run through a filter an extra time!
San Francisco's mayor banned city employees from using city funds to buy bottled water when tap water is available. Ann Arbor, Michigan passed a resolution banning commercially bottled water at city events and Salt Lake City, Utah asked department heads to eliminate bottled water.
Critics charge the bottled water industry adds plastic to landfills, uses too much energy by producing and shipping bottles across the world and undermines confidence in the safety and cleanliness of public water supplies, all while much of the world's population is without access to clean water.
But industry observers said such opposition is unlikely to drain U.S. sales of bottled water, which reached 2.6 billion cases in 2006, according to Beverage Digest. The industry newsletter estimated that U.S. consumers spent about $15 billion on bottled water last year.
Dave Kolpak, a portfolio manager at Victory Capital Management, said the environmental objections will have little impact on the bottom line for either Pepsi or Coke, though he admitted it could slow the market's growth rate.
Your "I'll have a beer please" scribe;
Allan W Janssen
Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 at www.God-101.com
I went into a local donut shop (Tim Horton's) this afternoon and found out that a bottle of apple juice is cheaper than a bottled water! O.K. - The apple juice was a bit smaller than the water, but Jesus Christ, GIVE ME A BREAK! (What the hell is going on?)
Now here is the real kicker, boys and girls. The water they use is tap water that is run through a filter an extra time!
PepsiCo Inc. will spell out that its Aquafina bottled water is made with tap water, a concession to the growing environmental and political opposition to the bottled water industry.
According to Corporate Accountability International, a U.S. watchdog group, the world's No. 2 beverage company will include the words "Public Water Source" on Aquafina labels.
"Concerns about the bottled-water industry, and increasing corporate control of water, are growing across the country," said Gigi Kellett, director of the "Think Outside the Bottle" campaign, which aims to encourage people to drink tap water.
San Francisco's mayor banned city employees from using city funds to buy bottled water when tap water is available. Ann Arbor, Michigan passed a resolution banning commercially bottled water at city events and Salt Lake City, Utah asked department heads to eliminate bottled water.
Critics charge the bottled water industry adds plastic to landfills, uses too much energy by producing and shipping bottles across the world and undermines confidence in the safety and cleanliness of public water supplies, all while much of the world's population is without access to clean water.
But industry observers said such opposition is unlikely to drain U.S. sales of bottled water, which reached 2.6 billion cases in 2006, according to Beverage Digest. The industry newsletter estimated that U.S. consumers spent about $15 billion on bottled water last year.
"Consumers have an affection for bottled water. It's not an issue of taste or health, it's about convenience," the newsletter's publisher, John Sicher, said. "Try walking up (New York City's) Third Avenue on a hot day and getting a glass of tap water."
Dave Kolpak, a portfolio manager at Victory Capital Management, said the environmental objections will have little impact on the bottom line for either Pepsi or Coke, though he admitted it could slow the market's growth rate.Your "I'll have a beer please" scribe;
Allan W Janssen
Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 at www.God-101.com
The New Ten Commandments!
Gerry Nicholls is a Toronto based writer who has hit the nail on the head as far as all this "political correctness" bullshit goes.
I got real tired of being politically correct years ago and as a result, (as if you hadn't guessed) I often go out of my way to shock and dismay members of the officially sanctioned far left world view and the self proclaimed intelligentsia.
You know, University Professors, socialists, most 19 year old's, etc. etc.
Gerry came up with the "Ten Left Commandments" and they bear repeating here!
Now I realize that this is a list that is pertinant to Canadian values but I think it could be applied just about anywhere, so with apologies to Charlton Heston, here they are:
1. Thou shalt have compassion for the poor, downtrodden and elderly, except no compassion shalt be spared for the poor, downtrodden and elderly who are sick and suffering on hospital waiting lists, as this would endanger our most sacred of cows: socialized health care.
2. Thou shalt love peace and promote universal brotherhood, except it's OK for big union bosses to smite or otherwise intimidate workers who wish to cross a picket line.
3. Thou shalt support the notion that no one is above the law, except in the case of Mohawk "warriors" who have every right to defy our laws and and do as they please. After all, they have guns!
4. Thou shalt support official bilingualism, except in Quebec where thou shalt support the government's right to criminalize the English language.
5. Thou shalt oppose corporations that seek to increase profits, but thou shalt support governments which seek to increase taxes.
6. Thou shalt oppose and denigrate anything associated with the United States and scorn all Americans, the exception being Al Gore and Michael Moore, whom ye shall worship and follow without question.
7. Thou shalt defend human rights, except for the human rights of gun owners, smokers, pit bull owners or any other unpopular or politically incorrect minority group.
8. Thou shalt not whip up public hysteria about terrorism, but thou shalt whip up public hysteria about global warming.
9. Thou shalt solve all the problems of the world, from climate change, to Third World poverty, to Bono's need for publicity, with over-hyped rock concerts.
10. Thou shalt extol religious tolerance, except when it comes to Christianity which thou shalt mock, ridicule and otherwise malign at every opportunity.
With the Tenth Commandment in mind we have banned prayer in public schools and universities (That's CHRISTIAN prayer, Bunky) but some schools are granting Muslim requests for prayer times, prayer rooms and ritual foot baths, prompting a debate on whether Islam is being given preferential treatment over other religions.
The University of Michigan at Dearborn is planning to build foot baths for Muslim students who wash their feet before prayer. An elementary school in San Diego created an extra recess period for Muslim pupils to pray.
At George Mason University in Fairfax, Va., Muslim students using a “meditation space” laid out Muslim prayer rugs and separated men and women in accordance with their Islamic beliefs.
Critics see a double standard and an organized attempt to push public conformance with Islamic law.
Barry Lynn, of Americans United for the Separation of Church and State, says however that the law is murky on these expressions of faith. And the American Civil Liberties Union says overt religious symbols like crucifixes are not legal, but whether Muslim foot baths and prayer rugs fall into that category is not clear.
“That’s a difficult one, and it’s right on the edge,” says Jeremy Gunn, director of the ACLU program on freedom of religion and belief in Washington, D.C.
At the forefront of the movement is the Muslim Students’ Association, which has formed a Muslim Accommodations Task Force to push for foot baths and prayer rooms.
At least 17 universities have foot baths built or under construction, including Boston University, George Washington University and Temple University, and at least nine universities have prayer rooms for “Muslim students only,” including Stanford, Emory and the University of Virginia, according to the MSA’s website.
Zuhdi Jasser, a Muslim and chairman of the American Islamic Forum for Democracy, which promotes separation of mosque and state, says he is concerned about the accommodations.
The University of Michigan agreed to install foot baths after talks with the MSA, said Terry Gallagher, director of public relations at the campus. Some Muslims ritually wash their feet before praying five times a day.
Daniel Pipes, founder of the Middle East Forum, a conservative think tank, sees the requests as part of a movement to force the public to acquiesce to Islamic law.
In the San Diego case, a substitute teacher at Carver Elementary School alleged that teachers were indoctrinating students into Islam.
The San Diego Unified School District determined that a teacher’s aide was wrong to lead Muslim students in prayer. Carver still has a special recess to allow 100 Muslim students to pray.
The ACLU, which has often sued schools for permitting prayer, says it is waiting to see what kind of policy the school settles on before deciding whether to sue. It says promoting prayers is unconstitutional.
Thompson says such conflicts are bound to proliferate. He and other Christians, he says, are preparing to ask for equal consideration such as a Christian prayer recess.
Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 at www.God-101.com
I got real tired of being politically correct years ago and as a result, (as if you hadn't guessed) I often go out of my way to shock and dismay members of the officially sanctioned far left world view and the self proclaimed intelligentsia.
You know, University Professors, socialists, most 19 year old's, etc. etc.
Gerry came up with the "Ten Left Commandments" and they bear repeating here!
Now I realize that this is a list that is pertinant to Canadian values but I think it could be applied just about anywhere, so with apologies to Charlton Heston, here they are:
1. Thou shalt have compassion for the poor, downtrodden and elderly, except no compassion shalt be spared for the poor, downtrodden and elderly who are sick and suffering on hospital waiting lists, as this would endanger our most sacred of cows: socialized health care.
2. Thou shalt love peace and promote universal brotherhood, except it's OK for big union bosses to smite or otherwise intimidate workers who wish to cross a picket line.
3. Thou shalt support the notion that no one is above the law, except in the case of Mohawk "warriors" who have every right to defy our laws and and do as they please. After all, they have guns!
4. Thou shalt support official bilingualism, except in Quebec where thou shalt support the government's right to criminalize the English language.
5. Thou shalt oppose corporations that seek to increase profits, but thou shalt support governments which seek to increase taxes.
6. Thou shalt oppose and denigrate anything associated with the United States and scorn all Americans, the exception being Al Gore and Michael Moore, whom ye shall worship and follow without question.
7. Thou shalt defend human rights, except for the human rights of gun owners, smokers, pit bull owners or any other unpopular or politically incorrect minority group.
8. Thou shalt not whip up public hysteria about terrorism, but thou shalt whip up public hysteria about global warming.
9. Thou shalt solve all the problems of the world, from climate change, to Third World poverty, to Bono's need for publicity, with over-hyped rock concerts.
10. Thou shalt extol religious tolerance, except when it comes to Christianity which thou shalt mock, ridicule and otherwise malign at every opportunity.
With the Tenth Commandment in mind we have banned prayer in public schools and universities (That's CHRISTIAN prayer, Bunky) but some schools are granting Muslim requests for prayer times, prayer rooms and ritual foot baths, prompting a debate on whether Islam is being given preferential treatment over other religions.
The University of Michigan at Dearborn is planning to build foot baths for Muslim students who wash their feet before prayer. An elementary school in San Diego created an extra recess period for Muslim pupils to pray.
At George Mason University in Fairfax, Va., Muslim students using a “meditation space” laid out Muslim prayer rugs and separated men and women in accordance with their Islamic beliefs.
Critics see a double standard and an organized attempt to push public conformance with Islamic law.
“What (school officials) are doing … is to give Muslim students religious benefits that they do not give any other religion right now,” says Richard Thompson, president and chief counsel at the Thomas More Law Center, an advocacy group for Christians.
“The whole issue is to provide for a religious foundation for those who are observant while respecting separation of church and state,” says Salam Al-Marayati, executive director of the Muslim Public Affairs Council, based in Los Angeles. Many schools accommodate the Christian and Jewish sabbaths and allow Jewish students to not take tests on religious holidays, he says.
Barry Lynn, of Americans United for the Separation of Church and State, says however that the law is murky on these expressions of faith. And the American Civil Liberties Union says overt religious symbols like crucifixes are not legal, but whether Muslim foot baths and prayer rugs fall into that category is not clear.
“That’s a difficult one, and it’s right on the edge,” says Jeremy Gunn, director of the ACLU program on freedom of religion and belief in Washington, D.C.
At the forefront of the movement is the Muslim Students’ Association, which has formed a Muslim Accommodations Task Force to push for foot baths and prayer rooms.
At least 17 universities have foot baths built or under construction, including Boston University, George Washington University and Temple University, and at least nine universities have prayer rooms for “Muslim students only,” including Stanford, Emory and the University of Virginia, according to the MSA’s website.
Zuhdi Jasser, a Muslim and chairman of the American Islamic Forum for Democracy, which promotes separation of mosque and state, says he is concerned about the accommodations.
“Unusual accommodations for one faith at the cost of everybody else doesn’t fall on the side of pluralism,” he said.At George Mason University, non-Muslim students were asked to observe Muslim rules in the prayer area, such as keeping men on one side and women on the other and removing their shoes, according to Broadside, the school newspaper. Alissa Karton, assistant to the vice president for student life, said the article prompted the school to order students to roll up prayer rugs when not in use and move the dividers.
The University of Michigan agreed to install foot baths after talks with the MSA, said Terry Gallagher, director of public relations at the campus. Some Muslims ritually wash their feet before praying five times a day.Daniel Pipes, founder of the Middle East Forum, a conservative think tank, sees the requests as part of a movement to force the public to acquiesce to Islamic law.
“The goal of Islamists is the application of Islamic law,” Pipes says.
In the San Diego case, a substitute teacher at Carver Elementary School alleged that teachers were indoctrinating students into Islam. The San Diego Unified School District determined that a teacher’s aide was wrong to lead Muslim students in prayer. Carver still has a special recess to allow 100 Muslim students to pray.
The ACLU, which has often sued schools for permitting prayer, says it is waiting to see what kind of policy the school settles on before deciding whether to sue. It says promoting prayers is unconstitutional.
“If you start carving out time in the school day that you would not do but for the need to let students pray, then it begins to look like what you’re trying to do is to assist religion,” says David Blair-Loy, legal director for the ACLU in San Diego.
Thompson says such conflicts are bound to proliferate. He and other Christians, he says, are preparing to ask for equal consideration such as a Christian prayer recess.
“What you’re going to see out there is more of these kinds of cases as the Muslim community tests how far it can go in the public school system,” he says. “If this can happen for Muslims, it can happen for Christians and other religions.”
Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 at www.God-101.com
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Cloning Gone Bad!
Allan's mad scientist, practical joker, half-brother, has bred a few crazy animals.
Find a suitable name for these new species and put them in the comments section.
Find a suitable name for these new species and put them in the comments section.
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