The smoker you drink, the player you get!

What a week this is going to be.

Canada Day is today, (Monday) and the U.S. Fourth of July is Wednesday so it looks like North America is not going to get much work done this week!

Things got off to a bad start last Friday when a bunch of my old high school buddies ("Old" is not that far off the mark anymore!") stopped by and stayed until Sunday Morning!

They probably would have stayed longer but the "Mrs. Herself" got fed up and threw everyone out.

After they left I had 12 small bottles of whiskey left which I took down to the cellar to put away, but my wife found them this morning and instructed me to empty them.

She said, "Empty each and every bottle down the sink," so I proceeded with the task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank.

I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth sink, poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and put the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol, but thinke peep I am.

I'm not half so thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) at www.God-101.com

(Hollywood) in Re-hab!

It hasn't been a good week for poor old _______!

After Monday's disastrous box office/sales results for _____ new ________, things have taken a turn for the worse and gone on a dangerous downward spiral.

Tuesday started a week of heavy drinking and partying which led to allegations of a homosexual affair on Wednesday evening at a popular Hollywood night spot.

This lead to a shooting at __________'s home in the early morning hours when _________ walked in on the illicit affair.


Police charged ___________ with aggravated assault and he/she was released on bail pending a court appearance next month.

By Thursday ________ is rumoured to have slept with ________ best friends _________ and also performed some sort of lewd act with the family pet while _____ was out of town !

Friday night is not much better for our newly shaved bald friend as he/she was arrested for D.U.I. by Beverly Hills police, who then found thirteen tabs of ecstasy in the car.

Saturday morning _______was bailed out by his/her _________ who immediately filed for divorce and is seeking a 120 million dollar settlement plus custody of the monkey.

Sunday morning _______ tried to make amends with ________, but couldn't get near the house since the dog kept growling and barking at him/her.

_____ then took ________ into re-hab so that he/she would be in shape for next weeks start of production on ___________ which is reported to have the biggest budget in Hollywood history.

_________ payday for this ________ will be a $25 million dollar advance, which will bring his/her earnings this year to $120 million.

Your "Hush, Hush, and on the Q.T." scribe;
Allan W Janssen

(Just fill in who, and what, you want! It won't be too far off!)

This is one of the reasons I quit drinking!

End of story!