Sunday Morning Funnies #36
Who said Scottish Romance is dead! These are REAL ADS from the Lonely-hearts column.
1. Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08
2. Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03
3. Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested In pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82 .
4. Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41
5. Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87
6. Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes. Seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32
7. Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will Include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45
8. Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27
9. Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07
10. Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler Competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, Seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41
11. Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train... cause we're going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... 'All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon.
She heard her little darling continue... 'For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'and for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Parrot;
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was a total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued.
'May I ask what the turkey did?'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the server, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says,'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you're blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6 f oot tall, 175 lb. blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do y ou still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head,and mutters,
'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh' replied the auditor (somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer; but on he went, in his obnoxious way): 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits'.
'I see' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi...' he went on '...what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete prick'.
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
1. Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08
2. Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03
3. Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested In pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82 .
4. Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box /41
5. Ginger-haired Paisley troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87
6. Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes. Seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32
7. Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will Include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 3/45
8. Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27
9. Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07
10. Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler Competition at Frampton's Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, Seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41
11. Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train... cause we're going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... 'All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon.
She heard her little darling continue... 'For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'and for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Parrot;
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was a total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued.
'May I ask what the turkey did?'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the server, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says,'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you're blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6 f oot tall, 175 lb. blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do y ou still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head,and mutters,
'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh' replied the auditor (somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer; but on he went, in his obnoxious way): 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits'.
'I see' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi...' he went on '...what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete prick'.
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://Allans-Perspective.blogspot.com
Labels: humor, satire, sunday morning funnies
posted by Allan W Janssen | 8:13 a.m.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home