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Middle aged hetrosexual, WASP male. Middle of the road, reasonably sane and  reasonably employed.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Sunday Morning Funnies!


ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

On the fourth move, she had the man arrested.

The case came up in court the judge asked the man (about 20 years
old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, " well your Honor, it was like this!

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition.

She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming", and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling, and I had to smile.

Then she placed her self under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a
sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident"...I just lost it"
CASE DISMISSED!


Bull

A cattle rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the breeding fee from the bank.

The banker lends him the money and comes by a week later to see how His investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows.

The banker says he knows a great veterinarian and that he'll send him out the next day to check the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looks very pleased and told the banker, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows."

"Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?"asked the banker.

"I don't know," says the smiling farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint..."


Hangover!

A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:

Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
I Love you.

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table, eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,

"LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"

And finally: ALLAN"S MOTTO!



Cat: The other white meat!

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