Dear Allan:

Forget Anne Landers or Dear Abby, what we need is a down to earth, reality based advice column and I am starting it right now. If you have any personal problems then by all means write to "Dear Allan" and get a sensible (Male) solution to what's bugging you bunky!

DEAR ALLAN: I have been married for 31 years to a good woman with whom I have three children, one remaining at home. My wife and I have had sex three or four times in the past 15 years.

This has worked a hardship on me such as I cannot describe. Divorce is not an option, and attempts to resolve this matter through therapy have backfired. One therapist told my wife I was a narcissist, and another told her I was "selfish." I have not been retributive in these matters. I do not harangue her or argue.

But, this situation is intolerable and becomes more a source of sorrow with each passing day.

I cannot speak with her anymore about this because she deflects my queries, saying she does not want to have sex while we have a teenager in the house, which is an excuse, of course. She is healthy; this is not hormonal.

I am at the point where I have lost all desire for the woman. Fifteen years of being ignored will do that to you.

Suggestions?

Dear Frustrated;

Naturally (especially in my case) the first thing that comes to mind is drinking. If this is also a religious problem then there are a few alternatives left.

There is of course "masturbation," and if that doesn't do the trick, them go with that old standby "Hookers!"

I would recommend AGAINST an Affair since they all get "messy" eventually.

If you wish to remain totally abstinent outside of marriage then the last resort is a combination of Prozac and Tranquilizers. Hope this helps!

Your humble servant;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com