Sunday Morning Funnies #171
Shamus And Murphy
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Never Lie To Your Mother!
A young man, Paul, invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate, Simon, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Paul volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates'.
About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan you don't suppose she took it do you?''Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure' said Paul.
So he sat down and wrote:
DEAR MOTHER,I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE Frying Pan BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PAUL
Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother whichread:
DEAR SON,I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Men Drinking
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
What Will We Name The Child?
Three guys are walking down the beach ...when they see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach.
Well, the first guy goes over to her and starts making love to her, when she says "What will we name the child?"The guy freaks and runs away.
So the second guy goes over to her and starts 'doing his thing' when she says "What will we name the child?" He freaks out also and runs away.
The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a condom and goes to do his thing. When she says "What will we name the child?"
He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going. Finally he finishes and pulls off the condom, ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean.
He turns to the girl and says, "If he gets out of that, we'll call him Houdini."
--------------------------------------------------------------
University Chemistry- True Story
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
"At what temperature does Hell freeze over?"
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic(gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume in Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added:
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of the theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Never Lie To Your Mother!
A young man, Paul, invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate, Simon, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Paul volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates'.
About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan you don't suppose she took it do you?''Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure' said Paul.
So he sat down and wrote:
DEAR MOTHER,I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE Frying Pan BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PAUL
Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother whichread:
DEAR SON,I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Men Drinking
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
What Will We Name The Child?
Three guys are walking down the beach ...when they see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach.
Well, the first guy goes over to her and starts making love to her, when she says "What will we name the child?"The guy freaks and runs away.
So the second guy goes over to her and starts 'doing his thing' when she says "What will we name the child?" He freaks out also and runs away.
The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a condom and goes to do his thing. When she says "What will we name the child?"
He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going. Finally he finishes and pulls off the condom, ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean.
He turns to the girl and says, "If he gets out of that, we'll call him Houdini."
--------------------------------------------------------------
University Chemistry- True Story
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
"At what temperature does Hell freeze over?"
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic(gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume in Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added:
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of the theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com
Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com
Labels: frying pan, hell freezes over, houdini, humor, satire, sunday morning funnies, twins
posted by Allan W Janssen | 7:58 a.m.
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