My First Time!

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.

It was empty.

"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.

She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!) and is available at the web site www.God-101.com

Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com

Mr Pissed with Laughter

There is a guy from Florida who has a blog called "Mr. Pissed" and some of the articles are well worth a read. (There is a link to it on the left side down near the bottom!")

I am going to give you a quick preview of a few of them along with comments of my own.

A 79-year-old Roman Catholic nun pleaded no contest Monday to two counts of indecent behavior with a child for alleged sexual encounters with two male students at a church convent and school where she was principal during the 1960s.

The nun, Norma Giannini, and her attorney left the courthouse without comment after entering the pleas in Milwaukee County Circuit Court.

Giannini faces a maximum 10 years on each count when sentenced Feb. 1.According to the criminal complaint, the two men told authorities they had dozens of sexual encounters with Giannini, including intercourse, while attending St. Patrick's School.

One man said the nun told him in 1965, when he was 13, to open the buttons of her habit, but he was shaking so badly he could not do so. He said she then unbuttoned her clothing and had him touch her breasts, the complaint said.

The first incident was followed by 60 to 80 others, including two involving sexual intercourse, it said.The other man said he had sexual contact with the nun more than 100 times, beginning when he was in seventh grade. At least one incident involved sexual intercourse, the complaint said.Giannini went on to work in Illinois from 1970 to 1994.

Sister Betty Smith, regional president for the Sisters of Mercy in Chicago, has said the nun received extensive counseling at a St. Louis treatment facility after the order "learned of the situation" during the 1990s.

Giannini, listed in online court records as living in Oak Lawn, Ill., has been closely monitored and separated from minors since then, Smith said.

The nun has been retired from active work for five years because of failing health, she said.

Now you can think what you want of me but to be perfectly honest I have to tell you that if I was 13 or 14 and had a chance to be banging a Nun, I would have considered myself extremely fortunate and there is no way I would be telling anyone.

I also think I am in the majority on this if the truth be told.

At least that's the way I see it, for better or worse!

Sarah Carmen, 24, says the Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome that she suffers from can cause her to have orgasm at any time of day.

She explained: "Anything can set me off. Even the hairdryers cause funny pulsations through my body. "As a skin care specialist I have to use tools which vibrate a lot of the time for micro-dermabrasion and they sometimes set me off.

"I find if I'm nervous I'm less likely to get over-excited. So sometimes I try to psyche myself up and worry to control my orgasms. "Some of my regular customers know my problem. But with new clients it's hard to explain.

Who the hell brainwashed this woman into believing she has a problem?

Villagers at a wedding in Bihar decided the groom had arrived too drunk to get married, and so the bride married the groom's more sober brother instead, police said on Monday.

"The groom was drunk and had reportedly misbehaved with guests when the bride's family and local villagers chased him away," Madho Singh, a senior police officer told Reuters after Sunday's marriage in a village in Bihar's Arwal district.

The younger brother readily agreed to take the groom's place beside the teenage bride at her family's invitation, witnesses said.

"The groom apologised for his behaviour, but has been crying that word will spread and he will never get a bride again," Singh said by phone.

This reminds me of a true story that happened to me shortly after my first marriage went down the toilet.

There was a girl I liked and we went out on a date. I asked her how long she had been separated from her husband and she said that _______ was not her husband!

This perplexed me to no end since she had the same last name and I said; "Well, what a coincidence that you both had the same name then!"

She replied; "No, no coincidence at all, I used to be married to his brother!"

AND FINALLY!

A man has been placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle.

Robert Stewart was discovered in his room by two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland, in October last year.

On Wednesday Mr Stewart admitted to sexual breach of the peace in Ayr Sheriff Court, where depute fiscal Gail Davidson described how he had been found by the hostel workers.

She said: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply." They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down. "The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Both witnesses, who were extremely shocked, notified the hotel manager, who in turn alerted the police.

Apparently it took the cops about two hours to get his dick out of the spokes!

Your "all the news that fits" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

By the way I found out Mr. Pissed is not from Florida, he is from Pittsburg..... in which case he has my condolences.

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com and the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com

Saturday Morning Confusion #86

Today we touch on everyone's favourite topic...... SEX. (And Obsession.)

We have many and varied types of sex and people seem to invent new one's all the time. As an example, I myself tried "telephone sex" quite a few years ago and it was an interesting diversion for a while but we have a guy here who has taken the phone to new levels.

This is an article from CNN news you might find interesting.

LONDON, England (AP) -- The underwear-obsessed telephone stalker's undoing proved to be the opening of a gym opposite the apartment that the 40-year-old shared with his mother.

Detectives caught Paul Kavanagh on film, leaning over the balcony of the West London apartment, just as he was peppering the gym's female receptionists with calls.

Jailed for 2-1/2 years Friday, Kavanagh admitted making some 15,000 such harassing calls to women, asking them questions about their underwear. He posed as a clothing researcher and claimed to be gathering marketing data for a retailer.

He had been making the calls for 12 years, usually starting off his conversations with seemingly innocuous questions about the women's socks and cardigans. Then he would move on to their underwear, making lewd suggestions to his victims.

Kavanagh had been "making these calls for the purposes of sexual gratification and, I must say to my mind, for the purposes of cruelty," Judge Peter Testar concluded.

Using unregistered pay-as-you go phones, Kavanagh was finally caught targeting the gym's female staff, commenting on their clothes and the way they wore their hair.

Dedicated Priest:

Next on our list is a priest who makes the news by being a bit overzealous!

A priest accused of stalking Conan O'Brien was found fit to stand trial Friday, although his lawyer acknowledged he has been treated for psychological problems.

A judge found the Rev. David Ajemian, a priest in the Archdiocese of Boston, was fit after a court-appointed psychologist examined him. State Supreme Court Justice Abraham Clott ordered him held on $2,500 cash bail.

Ajemian's attorney, Eric Seiff, agreed the priest was fit for trial. But Seiff also said the priest had been taking medication and has been treated for a year for psychological problems.

Msgr. Dennis Sheehan of Our Lady Help of Christians Parish in Newton, Mass., attended the hearing. He said the cardinal of the Boston Archdiocese "asked me to come as a sign of his concern."

Ajemian, 46, was arrested last week while trying to enter a taping of "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" in New York City despite being warned to stay away by NBC security personnel.

Ajemian, who allegedly began writing O'Brien in September 2006, has been placed on leave by the Boston Archdiocese and can't minister publicly. He was removed in June from his last posting, at St. Patrick Parish in Stoneham, after two years at the parish.

(I don't know about you, but I think they make a lovely couple!)

A spokesman at the archdiocese did not respond to questions about whether the move was related to the stalking allegations.

But on July 2, Ajemian wrote security officials at NBC questioning "why you chose to raise this matter with my superiors after I left you a clear message by phone several weeks ago that I would cease all contact with the show," according to court papers.

In the same letter, he called himself "a stalker of a very different order than the kind you are used to dealing with" and dared them to "tell Conan about your surveillance of me."

In a previous letter, Ajemian expressed frustration to O'Brien that he had been denied a spot in his audience after he'd flown to New York "in the dimming hope that you might finally acknowledge me."

"Is this the way you treat your most dangerous fans???" he wrote.

"You owe me big time pal."

He also told O'Brien he knew where he lived and wrote, "Remember (mobster) Frank Costello once dodged a bullet in your building and so can you."

Ajemian's seminary mentor, the Rev. John Mark Hannon, said Thursday he believes Ajemian can still be a good priest if he receives proper psychiatric help.

"He was a good seminarian. He was kind and generous and affable and concerned how people were," said Hannon, who mentored Ajemian before he graduated from St. John's Seminary in 2001.

Ajemian, the son of former Time magazine journalist Robert Ajemian, attended Harvard University at the same time O'Brien did. Ajemian graduated from Harvard in 1983, while O'Brien graduated in 1985.

It was unclear whether the two crossed paths there. O'Brien's roommate at Harvard, the Rev. Paul O'Brien, a priest in Lawrence who is not related to Conan O'Brien, declined comment.

NBC said Conan O'Brien would not comment on Ajemian.

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com and the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com

Melody D'Amour

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at http://www.god-101.com/ and the blog "Perspective" at http://god-101.blogspot.com/

Binge Drinking!

Guys, something I have suspected for years has finally been proven!

Binge drinking and wanton, gratuitous sex are actually GOOD for you.

The next time the Missus (Or the Missus Herself in my case) gets on your case about the partying, simply crank up the volume on the computer machine and let her listen to this. BINGE DRINKING !

Presented as a public service!.

Allan

If you love Jesus, bend over!

Gather round boys and girls, and especially you girls because we have a snake-oil salesman in our midst.

I have been trying to track down just who this guy is but the web-site gives no clue and I'm at a dead end.

But, I will pass on what this asshole is trying to do.

He has a pseudo-religious site that says it's O.K. to .................... well, I will let you read it for yourself.

Anal Sex in Accordance with God's Will

Are you saving yourself for your wedding night? The Devil wants you to fail, that’s why he puts stumbling blocks in your way.

But God wants you to succeed, and that’s why he has given us an alternative to intercourse before marriage: anal sex.

Through anal sex, you can satisfy your body’s needs, while you avoid the risk of unwanted pregnancy and still keep yourself pure for marriage.

You may be shocked at first by this idea. Isn’t anal sex (sodomy) forbidden by the Bible? Isn’t anal sex dirty?

What’s the difference between having anal sex before marriage and having regular intercourse? Let’s address these issues by debunking some myths about anal sex and God's will.

“I thought the Bible said anal sex was a sin.”

This is a common misconception. Anal sex is confusing to many Christians because of the attention paid to the Bible’s condemnation of homosexual acts.

However, it’s important to realize that these often quoted scriptures refer only to sexual acts between two men. Nowhere does the Bible forbid anal sex between a male and female.

In fact, many Biblical passages allude to the act of anal sex between men and women. Lamentations 2:10 describes how “The virgins of Jerusalem have bowed their heads to the ground,” indicating how a virginal maidens should position themselves to receive anal sex.

Another suggestive scripture tells of a woman’s pride in her “valley” (referring to her buttocks and the cleft between them) and entices her lover to ejaculate against her backside: "How boastful you are about the valleys! O backsliding daughter who trusts in her treasures, {saying,} 'Who will come against me?' (Jeremiah 49:4)

And in the Song of Songs, the lover urges his mate to allow him to enter her from behind: “Draw me after you, let us make haste.” (Song of Solomon, 1:4)

“If you’re going to have anal sex, why not just have regular sex?”

This is a good question: If you’re going to have sexual contact before marriage, why not just go the whole nine yards and have regular sex?

There are many good reasons for having anal sex instead. The first reason is practical: having conventional vaginal intercourse can lead to unwanted pregnancies.

While it’s true that the Lord bade us to “be fruitful and multiply,” (Gen 1:22) the Bible also counsels that “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” (Ecl. 3:1)

Pregnancy outside of wedlock can have dire and life-altering consequences for all those involved.

Having anal sex allows you to greatly reduce this risk.

Second, for a young woman who has never engaged in sexual intercourse, having anal sex allows her to preserve her virginity (i.e., maintain an intact hymen) until marriage.

There is no greater gift that a bride can give than to offer her pure, unsullied maidenhead to her husband on their wedding night.

Finally, anal sex allows both partners to save the most intimate and powerful sexual act, that of face-to-face vaginal intercourse, for their mates in marriage.

This type of sexual relationship represents the most powerful union between a man and a woman, and so it rightfully should be reserved for one’s life partner.

Fortunately, you can engage in anal sex prior to marriage and still be able to share the deeper, more meaningful act of consecrated love through vaginal intercourse with your wedded spouse.

Now, we are not finished with this bullshit just yet my friends!

The Good News About Oral Sex

Like anal sex, oral sex is the subject of much confusion and disagreement among the faithful. There are those who say that oral sex is unnatural because God did not intend our mouths to be used in such a manner.

Others associate oral-genital contact with the sexual depravities of Sodom and Gomorrah.

As you will see in the Scripture, neither one of these views is supported. Not only that, but oral sex has benefits that are of particular importance to Christians: oral sex allows the natural prevention of unwanted pregnancy and is an alternative to premarital intercourse for those committed to preserving their chastity before marriage.

There is nothing in the Bible that forbids engaging in acts of oral-genital contact.

Oral sex has wrongly been grouped in with “sodomy” and the sexual sins of Sodom and Gomorrah.

As we have seen with anal sex, this argument does not hold water, because the sins of the Sodomites were specifically homosexual and/or non consensual in nature.

There is no way this could be extrapolated to argue against a heterosexual act of oral sex for mutual pleasure.

On the other hand, the Bible does contain some favorable references to oral sex, some in poetic language and some more explicit.

“His Fruit Was Sweet to My Taste”

In Christian discussions concerning oral sex, the Song of Solomon is most frequently cited as an example of scriptural allusion to the act: Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. (Song of Solomon 2:3)

While the previous passage refers to fellatio, the following can be read as a metaphor for cunnilingus: Awake, O north wind, and come, wind of the south; make my garden breathe out fragrance, let its spices be wafted abroad. May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits! (Song of Solomon 4:16)

And again, the Song of Solomon urges lovers to eat and drink freely of one another’s bodies: I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse: I have gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk: eat, O friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly, O beloved. (Song of Solomon 5:1)

This reading of the scriptures portrays the act of oral sex as both natural, like eating, and a joyful expression of love, passion, and sexual sharing between a man and woman.

In the New Testament, this passage directs partners to render “benevolence” to one another, which can be extended to performing oral sex on each other as part of their duty to the Lord and one another: Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. (Corinthians 7:33)

Not only does this passage imply that oral sex between a man and woman is acceptable and desirable, but as we shall see, the Bible also provides more specific edicts concerning the completion of the oral sex act, namely swallowing the male emission.

Now here comes (pardon the pun)the REALLY good part, this is called the ClOSER.

The Necessity of Swallowing - The Sin of Spilling Seed

Most of us are familiar with the Biblical story of Onan, whose sin against God was that of spilling his seed on the ground:

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. 10 And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. (Genesis 38:9)

This scriptural passage has traditionally been used as an injunction against masturbation. However, upon closer reading, it becomes apparent that this scenario has nothing to do with masturbation at all.

Onan was not masturbating; he was copulating with his brother’s wife (and there was a good reason for that, in God’s plan). His sin was pulling out (coitus interruptus) and ejaculating on the ground rather than into the woman. He did so in order to avoid impregnating her.

However, he could have easily avoided God’s wrath (and the penalty of death), by simply having the woman fellate him and then swallow his semen.

This would have kept him from impregnating her, as well as completely prevented the spilling of seed that was an offense in God’s eyes.

The extreme case of Onan aside, how bad is it in general to spill semen?

The Old Testament ranks it with other acts of uncleanliness that meet with God’s disapproval: And if any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even. 17 And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even. (Leviticus 15:16-17)

Getting ejaculate on oneself or one’s clothing results in uncleanness that requires extensive reparations and atonement. Obviously one simple way to prevent the spillage of semen is to have your partner perform fellatio and swallow the emission.

In fact, in light of these scriptures, performing fellatio to completion and then spitting out the resulting emission seems almost unthinkable.

The Benefits of Swallowing - Drink of the Living Water

Aside from swallowing semen as a measure to prevent the waste and spillage of seed, ingesting ejaculate can have spiritual benefits, as we will see.

Although the Old Testament makes reference to the bitterness of semen (And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water. [Numbers 5:24]), the New Testament casts the act of consuming ejaculate in a much more affirming light, as in the following passage, where Jesus speaks to the woman of Samaria about the gift of “living water”:

Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, "Give me a drink,' you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water." 11 The woman said to him, "Sir, you have no bucket, and the well is deep.

Where do you get that living water?...15 The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water, so that I may never be thirsty or have to keep coming here to draw water." 16 Jesus said to her, "Go, call your husband, and come back." (John 4:10-16)

“Living water” in this context refers to semen, which literally is the liquid of life. As Christ indicates, drinking of the “living water” provides a spiritual replenishment for the soul.

When the woman asks Jesus where she can get this “water”, he tells her to fetch her husband, clearly with the intention of instructing her on how to fellate him and swallow his semen.

Oral Sex in Christ

In summary, we can say that the Scripture supports and even encourages the act of oral sex between loving heterosexual partners.

Moreover, the Bible specifically encourages fellatio to completion (orgasm) with the female partner consuming or swallowing the ejaculate.

This prevents spilling seed, which is an affront to the Lord, and also provides spiritual benefit to the receiving partner.

Oral sex has the added benefits of preventing unwanted pregnancies and helping couples satisfy their sexual urges while preserving their chastity until marriage.

For these reasons, all Christian men and women should feel confident and comfortable including oral sex as part of their sexual life in accordance with God’s will.

SO, to sum this whole thing up, I don't condone, condemn or really give a shit what you do in your sex-life but please don't stoop so low as to say the "Bible told me so!"

That's the worst form of deception there is and this guy should be ashamed of himself. Either that or shot and pissed on!

Your "hold the mayo" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

(I can hardly wait to hear from the feminists on this one!!! If you want to visit the site go HERE )

Fun With Jane and Dicks!

In an unconfirmed report published today, a spokesperson for actress Jane Fonda has indicated that in order to rejuvenate her stalled acting career she will be making a sequel to her wildly popular movie Barbarella!

Quoted as saying; "What goes around, cums around," (no pun intended) Miss Fonda is said to be looking forward to appearing in a new episode of every middle aged American Male's teenage fantasies.

Director Ying Fuk Yu said that the new movie will be shot in wide screen and technicolor, and in deference to the fact that Miss Fonda is quite a few years older ...... slightly out of focus! Coming soon to a Megaplex near you!

Your "hush, hush, and on the Q.T." scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Maybe it just seems that way!

We got this rather suspicious article from Hong Kong.

(Reuters) - A 107-year-old Hong Kong villager, who still enjoys an occasional smoke, has attributed his longevity in part to decades of sexual abstinence, a newspaper said on Sunday.

I don't know why I have lived this long, Chan Chi -- one of Hong Kong's oldest people -- was quoted as saying during an annual dinner for the city's elders. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have lived a sex-less life for many years -- since I was 40, said Chan, a widower whose wife died during World War Two.

Chan, from Hong Kong's less built-up New Territories hinterland, was pictured looking sprightly and eating heartily at the banquet.

A former chef, he said a low-fat diet and regular dawn exercises had helped him fight off the ravages of old age.

But the centenarian, who's had no difficulty living a monastic existence for nearly 70 years, admits the pleasures of tobacco have been harder to resist.

"Now I want to quit," he was quoted as saying of his decades-long cigarette addiction.

"Maybe the government should ban cigarette sales so I can give it up," he added.

Meanwhile a study done on Mr. Chi by scientist from a Boston Medical Center said his actual age was closer to 80 and he just looked that old through a combination of heavy smoking and lack of sex!

Your "not over the hill yet" scribe;
Allan w Janssen

A Modern Man!

I might as well tell you now! I'm having an identity crisis!

I've had quite a few people e-mail me and say "What the hell is that blog all about?" "Is it a political blog, is it about religion, is it about sex, satire or what? What gives?"

Then there was Buffalo from the great Mid-West ;-) who said;
"You might want to linger for a spell to explore this ol’ boy’s blog.
I haven’t quite figured him out yet, but he is fair to middlin’ interesting!

And of course we can't forget Mr. A. Brown, amongst others, who gave us this quote; "I Enjoy your blog. I'm still trying to figure out what in the hell you're all about, but that is half the enjoyment."

To which I then said; "Don't try and figure it out, this is just some of the shit that runs through my head and this stuff is as much for my amusement as it is for yours!"

Back to him; "Well, once I can forgive you for being Canadian you will probably find yourself on my "Great Reads" list!"

I didn't really plan on having a theme for these musings, and maybe it's the British humour in me, but just so that there is no further doubt about it, here is what this Modern Man is really all about! Just tell your friends!



Your "what's he up to now" scribe;
Allan W Janssen