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Middle aged heterosexual, WASP male. Semi retired, semi-sane and semi-serious. And endangered species and I'm not going quietly!!!!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

If you love Jesus, bend over!

Gather round boys and girls, and especially you girls because we have a snake-oil salesman in our midst.

I have been trying to track down just who this guy is but the web-site gives no clue and I'm at a dead end.

But, I will pass on what this asshole is trying to do.

He has a pseudo-religious site that says it's O.K. to .................... well, I will let you read it for yourself.

Anal Sex in Accordance with God's Will

Are you saving yourself for your wedding night? The Devil wants you to fail, that’s why he puts stumbling blocks in your way.

But God wants you to succeed, and that’s why he has given us an alternative to intercourse before marriage: anal sex.

Through anal sex, you can satisfy your body’s needs, while you avoid the risk of unwanted pregnancy and still keep yourself pure for marriage.

You may be shocked at first by this idea. Isn’t anal sex (sodomy) forbidden by the Bible? Isn’t anal sex dirty?

What’s the difference between having anal sex before marriage and having regular intercourse? Let’s address these issues by debunking some myths about anal sex and God's will.

“I thought the Bible said anal sex was a sin.”

This is a common misconception. Anal sex is confusing to many Christians because of the attention paid to the Bible’s condemnation of homosexual acts.

However, it’s important to realize that these often quoted scriptures refer only to sexual acts between two men. Nowhere does the Bible forbid anal sex between a male and female.

In fact, many Biblical passages allude to the act of anal sex between men and women. Lamentations 2:10 describes how “The virgins of Jerusalem have bowed their heads to the ground,” indicating how a virginal maidens should position themselves to receive anal sex.

Another suggestive scripture tells of a woman’s pride in her “valley” (referring to her buttocks and the cleft between them) and entices her lover to ejaculate against her backside: "How boastful you are about the valleys! O backsliding daughter who trusts in her treasures, {saying,} 'Who will come against me?' (Jeremiah 49:4)

And in the Song of Songs, the lover urges his mate to allow him to enter her from behind: “Draw me after you, let us make haste.” (Song of Solomon, 1:4)

“If you’re going to have anal sex, why not just have regular sex?”

This is a good question: If you’re going to have sexual contact before marriage, why not just go the whole nine yards and have regular sex?

There are many good reasons for having anal sex instead. The first reason is practical: having conventional vaginal intercourse can lead to unwanted pregnancies.

While it’s true that the Lord bade us to “be fruitful and multiply,” (Gen 1:22) the Bible also counsels that “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” (Ecl. 3:1)

Pregnancy outside of wedlock can have dire and life-altering consequences for all those involved.

Having anal sex allows you to greatly reduce this risk.

Second, for a young woman who has never engaged in sexual intercourse, having anal sex allows her to preserve her virginity (i.e., maintain an intact hymen) until marriage.

There is no greater gift that a bride can give than to offer her pure, unsullied maidenhead to her husband on their wedding night.

Finally, anal sex allows both partners to save the most intimate and powerful sexual act, that of face-to-face vaginal intercourse, for their mates in marriage.

This type of sexual relationship represents the most powerful union between a man and a woman, and so it rightfully should be reserved for one’s life partner.

Fortunately, you can engage in anal sex prior to marriage and still be able to share the deeper, more meaningful act of consecrated love through vaginal intercourse with your wedded spouse.


Now, we are not finished with this bullshit just yet my friends!

The Good News About Oral Sex

Like anal sex, oral sex is the subject of much confusion and disagreement among the faithful. There are those who say that oral sex is unnatural because God did not intend our mouths to be used in such a manner.

Others associate oral-genital contact with the sexual depravities of Sodom and Gomorrah.

As you will see in the Scripture, neither one of these views is supported. Not only that, but oral sex has benefits that are of particular importance to Christians: oral sex allows the natural prevention of unwanted pregnancy and is an alternative to premarital intercourse for those committed to preserving their chastity before marriage.

There is nothing in the Bible that forbids engaging in acts of oral-genital contact.

Oral sex has wrongly been grouped in with “sodomy” and the sexual sins of Sodom and Gomorrah.

As we have seen with anal sex, this argument does not hold water, because the sins of the Sodomites were specifically homosexual and/or non consensual in nature.

There is no way this could be extrapolated to argue against a heterosexual act of oral sex for mutual pleasure.

On the other hand, the Bible does contain some favorable references to oral sex, some in poetic language and some more explicit.

“His Fruit Was Sweet to My Taste”

In Christian discussions concerning oral sex, the Song of Solomon is most frequently cited as an example of scriptural allusion to the act: Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. (Song of Solomon 2:3)

While the previous passage refers to fellatio, the following can be read as a metaphor for cunnilingus: Awake, O north wind, and come, wind of the south; make my garden breathe out fragrance, let its spices be wafted abroad. May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits! (Song of Solomon 4:16)

And again, the Song of Solomon urges lovers to eat and drink freely of one another’s bodies: I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse: I have gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk: eat, O friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly, O beloved. (Song of Solomon 5:1)

This reading of the scriptures portrays the act of oral sex as both natural, like eating, and a joyful expression of love, passion, and sexual sharing between a man and woman.

In the New Testament, this passage directs partners to render “benevolence” to one another, which can be extended to performing oral sex on each other as part of their duty to the Lord and one another: Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. (Corinthians 7:33)

Not only does this passage imply that oral sex between a man and woman is acceptable and desirable, but as we shall see, the Bible also provides more specific edicts concerning the completion of the oral sex act, namely swallowing the male emission.


Now here comes (pardon the pun)the REALLY good part, this is called the ClOSER.

The Necessity of Swallowing - The Sin of Spilling Seed

Most of us are familiar with the Biblical story of Onan, whose sin against God was that of spilling his seed on the ground:

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. 10 And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. (Genesis 38:9)

This scriptural passage has traditionally been used as an injunction against masturbation. However, upon closer reading, it becomes apparent that this scenario has nothing to do with masturbation at all.

Onan was not masturbating; he was copulating with his brother’s wife (and there was a good reason for that, in God’s plan). His sin was pulling out (coitus interruptus) and ejaculating on the ground rather than into the woman. He did so in order to avoid impregnating her.

However, he could have easily avoided God’s wrath (and the penalty of death), by simply having the woman fellate him and then swallow his semen.

This would have kept him from impregnating her, as well as completely prevented the spilling of seed that was an offense in God’s eyes.

The extreme case of Onan aside, how bad is it in general to spill semen?

The Old Testament ranks it with other acts of uncleanliness that meet with God’s disapproval: And if any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even. 17 And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even. (Leviticus 15:16-17)

Getting ejaculate on oneself or one’s clothing results in uncleanness that requires extensive reparations and atonement. Obviously one simple way to prevent the spillage of semen is to have your partner perform fellatio and swallow the emission.

In fact, in light of these scriptures, performing fellatio to completion and then spitting out the resulting emission seems almost unthinkable.

The Benefits of Swallowing - Drink of the Living Water

Aside from swallowing semen as a measure to prevent the waste and spillage of seed, ingesting ejaculate can have spiritual benefits, as we will see.

Although the Old Testament makes reference to the bitterness of semen (And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water. [Numbers 5:24]), the New Testament casts the act of consuming ejaculate in a much more affirming light, as in the following passage, where Jesus speaks to the woman of Samaria about the gift of “living water”:

Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, "Give me a drink,' you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water." 11 The woman said to him, "Sir, you have no bucket, and the well is deep.

Where do you get that living water?...15 The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water, so that I may never be thirsty or have to keep coming here to draw water." 16 Jesus said to her, "Go, call your husband, and come back." (John 4:10-16)

“Living water” in this context refers to semen, which literally is the liquid of life. As Christ indicates, drinking of the “living water” provides a spiritual replenishment for the soul.

When the woman asks Jesus where she can get this “water”, he tells her to fetch her husband, clearly with the intention of instructing her on how to fellate him and swallow his semen.

Oral Sex in Christ

In summary, we can say that the Scripture supports and even encourages the act of oral sex between loving heterosexual partners.

Moreover, the Bible specifically encourages fellatio to completion (orgasm) with the female partner consuming or swallowing the ejaculate.

This prevents spilling seed, which is an affront to the Lord, and also provides spiritual benefit to the receiving partner.

Oral sex has the added benefits of preventing unwanted pregnancies and helping couples satisfy their sexual urges while preserving their chastity until marriage.

For these reasons, all Christian men and women should feel confident and comfortable including oral sex as part of their sexual life in accordance with God’s will.


SO, to sum this whole thing up, I don't condone, condemn or really give a shit what you do in your sex-life but please don't stoop so low as to say the "Bible told me so!"

That's the worst form of deception there is and this guy should be ashamed of himself. Either that or shot and pissed on!

Your "hold the mayo" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

(I can hardly wait to hear from the feminists on this one!!! If you want to visit the site go HERE )

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2 Comments:

Blogger Buffalo said...

I ran across this web site several years ago - which means more than 2 years ago. As I recall, today I just glanced at the page your link brought up, the site is satire. Don't remember what brought me to that conclusion though.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007 10:43:00 AM  
Blogger Allan said...

Sounded pretty serious to me although who is to say. Remember I had a satirical piece a few months ago on how the hormones in semen were good for a woman but I didn't go so far as to bring faith into it.
As much as I dislike mainstream religion, the use of it to promote something like this I find extremely offensive.
That's my story and I'm sticking with it!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007 1:23:00 PM  

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