I Swear I'm not Lying

Somehow I just know you're not going to believe this. A lot of you will say, "Jesus H Christ, Janssen's spinning another tale," and others will say, "you can't believe a word the s.o.b. says," but I swear on my kids life that this is true!

I was just reading about Jehovah's Witnesses.

You might remember I told you that my sister-in-law is a Witness and they sometimes drive around during the day and try to decide which nice house they will live in once the rapture comes and all the non-faithful are whisked away to God knows where.

Well, something much, much stranger than that has come to my attention.

Now I gotta tell ya again that I'm not making this up, O.K.?

Let's say there is a 30 year old guy and he has a six year old daughter or son. With me so far?

Now, the kid gets leukemia or some such thing and a simple blood transfusion would save their life. (Blood transfusions have got to be the simplest medical procedure there is!)

Does he grab the kid and rush him/her to the hospital so they can still make it to the grandma's house for a visit on the weekend. Do they? Huh?

NO!

Apparently, God told them, "no transfusions" and rather than break this law they are prepared to .................... are you ready for this? LET THE KID DIE!!!!!!

(There goes the trip to Grandma's!)

I told you that it sounded nuts and you wouldn't believe me, but I swear I didn't make this up!

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at http://www.god-101.com/

HALLELUJAH!

Be Thankful for NORMAL Friends

O.K. kids, here's the poop. If your mother starts getting on your back about your WEIRD freinds, just show her these. That'll shut her up!

Last Spinach Supper.

A lot of interesting "Popeye" themed stuff. Simply go HERE to see the rest of them.

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at http://www.god-101.com/

Rim Shot!

A bit of financial news, not only because it's interesting, but because this company is just down the road from here and a darling of the business community in S. W. Ontario and across Canada for that matter.

Shares of Research In Motion Ltd. are climbing on rumours that the BlackBerry maker may be bought by software giant Microsoft Corp. and it's all because of that cute little blackberry like the one I have sitting on my desk.

"Microsoft has been mentioned as a possible buyer," Frederic Ruffy, an analyst at options education firm Optionetics, said yesterday.

"According to speculation, the software giant might be interested in RIM in response to Google's recent announcement that it is interested in making its own mobile phone operating system, which would compete with Windows Mobile."

Both Waterloo, Ont.-based RIM and Redmond, Wash.-based Microsoft declined to comment on the rumours. RIM's current market capitalization is about $50 billion, which would make a purchase of the company expensive.

Microsoft, however, has deep pockets.

Industry analysts have pegged Microsoft at a disadvantage in the cellphone market against its two main rivals, Apple and Google.

Apple entered the mobile market in June with its iPhone, while rumours continue about Google doing the same with a possible announcement as early as next week.

RIM said it added 1.2 million BlackBerry subscribers in the quarter, bringing its total base to more than nine million.

Your "financial whiz kid" scribe;

Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at http://www.god-101.com/

Kenya: Mob Chops Off Pastor’s Genitals

A pastor is fighting for his life after protesting villagers mutilated his genitals. (They cut off his balls!) This article is also known as; "Don't fuck with the locals!"

The mob was bitter that a man, who the preacher had promised to cure through prayer, died during the ‘healing.’

On Monday evening, villagers burnt the pastor’s church, locally known as Oterona in Gesiaga village, Nyamira District, but the evangalist escaped. Police said the villagers caught up with the man in his hideout.

The preacher was admitted to Nyamira District Hospital where superintendent, Dr Morris Odhiambo, described the pastor’s condition as stable, but declined to comment further.

Residents said the sect does not believe in conventional medicine and local OCPD, Mr Joseph Kimeli, said no arrests had been made.

(If anyone's wondering, this is the reason I will never go do missionary work!)

Your "stay at home" scribe;

Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at http://www.god-101.com/

Morning

I'm NOT a Morning Person!

I woke early one morning
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away

He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun
It seemed his very trilling
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed
Then quickly shut the window
And crushed his fucking head.

I Repeat......
I'm NOT a Morning Person!

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at http://www.god-101.com/

Here's Looking at You, Kid!

Carlos Miranda



Pope Bean I



















Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at http://www.god-101.com/

Random Stuff!

O.K. Enough with the inspirational shit, let's get down to some good ol' trippy shit!

The usual amount of weird shit happened this week and I thought some of it deserved a comment or two!

We have our "Asshole of the week" feature on Saturday's along with "Saturday Morning Confusion," but this week I also have a "Man of the Day" candidate.

A French tax official (un-named) cheated the government out of 600,000 euros ($820,000) by creating a phantom identity as a university professor and claiming a salary for some 15 years, the government said Monday.

Education Ministry officials uncovered the scam in June and began legal and disciplinary action immediately, Budget Minister Eric Woerth said in a statement. He said he; "Desired action to be undertaken urgently to prevent a recurrence of an abuse of this kind."

Any guy that can create a fictional University Professor and then collect his salary for 15 years gets my vote for most balls!

Next, a new twist to the term "chrome dome!"

A German court has awarded 3,000 euros ($4,500) in damages to a man who had to have the top of his skull replaced with plastic because of a faulty hospital fridge.

Doctors removed the top of the man's head and put it in cold storage while they operated on his brain, the court in the western city of Koblenz said Tuesday.

Because the refrigerator was defective, the section of skull was not kept cool enough and could not be reattached.

Doctors replaced the bone with a plastic prosthesis.

The man sought compensation of at least 20,000 euros on the grounds that the prosthesis caused him headaches, affected his balance and made him unduly sensitivity to the weather.

Following consultations with experts, the court found that the operation had caused the man's discomfort, not the loss of the top of his skull. "The experts consulted by the court concluded the new skull roof was better than the original," a court spokesman said.

Compensation of 3,000 euros was "appropriate and sufficient," it said.

Do you remember that Bitch Leona Helmsley? This is the woman who was often referred to as the "Queen of Mean!" She died recently.

Well........... Leona Helmsley's dog will continue to live an opulent life, and then be buried alongside her in a mausoleum. But two of Helmsley's grandchildren got nothing from the late luxury hotelier and real estate billionaire's estate.

Helmsley left her beloved white Maltese, named Trouble, a $12 million trust fund, according to her will, which was made public Tuesday in surrogate court.

She also left millions for her brother, Alvin Rosenthal, who was named to care for Trouble in her absence, as well as two of four grandchildren from her late son Jay Panzirer — so long as they visit their father's grave site once each calendar year.

Otherwise, she wrote, neither will get a penny of the $5 million she left for each.

Helmsley left nothing to two of Jay Panzirer's other children — Craig and Meegan Panzirer — for "reasons that are known to them," she wrote.

Now, the latest hush, hush and on the Q.T. word out of N.A.S.A. is that there were NO astronauts who flew drunk!

After an exhaustive investigation they concluded that there was no basis for these claims. Well what did you expect?

Did anyone actually believe that NASA would allow anyone with the smell of booze on their breath to get in a rocket?

This makes for a great "Urban Myth" but for it to be so good that NASA considered it plausible and did an investigation is incredible!

And finally; I like Owen Wilson! I really do! But, when it comes down to successful and unsuccessful suicide attempts, I wish that Richard Jeni had botched his and Owen Wilson hadn't.

Your Humble Scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com

The Secret to the Secret of the Secret!

is 90 percent Perspiration and 10 percent Inspiration - C L I C K - H E R E !





Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com

Cop This!

Cops, unfortunately, are a necessary evil.

Society needs cops to protect us from criminals and violence, while at the same time there is nobody to protect us from the cops. The whole problem stems from the fact that while an officer of the law is sworn to uphold that law, he or she very quickly starts to assume that they ARE the law.

This is a very dangerous situation and one that I'm not sure there is a cure for!

A North Carolina couple who were terrorized by a police officer who had recently returned from Iraq are now fighting back, after sheriff's deputy Brian Scarborough broke into their house, assaulted them and then arrested the Kuhns for the crime of flying an upside down U.S. flag.

Mark and Deborah Kuhn of Asheville, North Carolina made headlines last week when they were arrested for flying an upside down U.S. flag, a commonly recognized sign of distress, in their backyard, after police claimed they were violating a statute for "desecration of the flag".

"This is a distress signal, we're not trying to desecrate the flag," Kuhn told Scarborough when he told the couple they were violating a statute. Police claimed the messages attached to the flag were the problem, but the notes merely pointed out that the upside down flag represented a distress signal and a warning that the country was in danger.

Even though Kuhn took the flag down, the officer immediately demanded that the couple show their ID's and when they refused told them to put their hands behind their back and was about to arrest them before the couple shut and locked the door.

Scarborough then proceeded to kick the door in, "And the next thing we know, the glass is flying, he unlocks the deadbolt and he comes into our house after us," Kuhn told The Alex Jones Show.

The officer then pursued Mark Kuhn through the house before intercepting him in the kitchen and putting him in a choke hold.

Deborah Kuhn called 911 to report that the officer had broken into the home and was assaulting her husband.

The officer then pulled out pepper spray to which Mark Kuhn responded, "Are you going to spray me in my house?" before Scarborough whipped out his billy club and the Kuhn's ran out of the house into the street, pleading for help from their neighbors.

"Nine police cars showed up, they whipped out the Tasers, they said 'get down or we're gonna Taser you' added Kuhn.

The couple were handcuffed, arrested and bundled into a squad car, to the protests of numerous neighbors who demanded to know why the Kuhns were being incarcerated, but were told to leave by police.

Contradicting the police's account of the incident, that Buncombe County Sheriff’s deputy Brian Scarborough was injured when the Kuhn's slammed the door on his hand, Deborah Kuhn vehemently maintains that Scarborough smashed the glass of their door with his bare fist before breaking in, a description which is backed up by three other eyewitnesses, one of which appeared on TV later that day.

The Kuhn's are now also being charged with "assault on a government employee" - meaning that the new definition of assault is if a police officer cuts his hand by breaking into your house and putting you in a choke hold - you have assaulted him.

Scarborough claims that Deborah Kuhn slapped him while she was on the phone to the police, but the audio file of the call clearly contradicts this.

They each face over a year in prison.

The Kuhn's case is similar in many ways to that of Kelly Rushing, a man from Lyon County Kentucky, who was arrested and charged for handing out videotapes of Ron Paul videos to police officers. Rushing was later found not guilty of the offence of "terroristic threats" but continues to be harassed by police.

It also mirrors the case of an Alabama man, who was arrested in 2004 for displaying a sign in his yard that read "Our Courts System is a Joke," under the pretext that it was illegal to criticize the authorities.

I urge all readers readers to call the following number and remind the officials concerned that that they are not living in Russia or Nazi Germany, and that officer Scarborough's conduct was shameful and an insult to everything America is supposed to stand for.

Scarborough's experience in Iraq of kicking down doors and taking innocent people to camps is not something that should be brought back to North America, and the charges against the Kuhns should be dropped immediately along with a formal apology issued.

Sheriff Van Duncan's Office: 828-250-4503

Allan W Janssen

The Secret to the Secret.

A lot of talk on the town… from Oprah on down…… is about the newest…… New Age rage…… The Secret.

If you are one of the seven people on the planet who have not heard of it yet bunky, it boils down to what they call The Laws of Attraction!

By this we mean that your attitude and expectations are what control something called expectations, and if you develop a positive attitude about doing something or gaining something then your (I will use an old – New Age term here) Karma will help you get it.

It’s really not a bad concept folks.

The idea is that negativity breed’s negativity, and positive thoughts and emotions lead to positive expectations and results.

In other words, if you wanted a better car than the one you have then The Secret suggests that you imagine yourself driving it.

Simple right! Feel your hands on the steering wheel and the car purring beneath you and then you are setting yourself up to one day actually drive that car.

The first example of this Secret, (which is not really much of a secret at all) friends and neighbors, was a 1952 book by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale called The Power of Positive Thinking.

Positive thinking, as described by Peale, could be broken down into a three step process of practicing repeated self-hypnosis, attaining divine, or God’s power to use for oneself, and eliminating and avoiding all negativity in life.

The first step in positive thinking is focused on the use of repeated techniques.

Peale describes positive thinking as first and foremost simply a series of practical and workable techniques for living a successful life.

The reader was instructed through constant repetition of affirmations to bypass his conscious mind and implant suggestions into his unconscious mind where they would operate automatically, without the interference of conscious will.

"Let them sink into your unconscious and they can help you overcome any difficulty. Say them over and over again. Say them until your mind accepts them, until you believe them – faith power works wonders.”

Peale's readers were instructed to "pray ceaselessly," to use his techniques repetitively and permanently.

From then till now this “Secret” has evolved with the times and today’s version states, in a nutshell, that “Expectation Leads to Realization!” (My phrase)

This is all well and good my countrymen but you are being led down the garden path.

A positive attitude is definitely needed but what they don’t mention is that positive EFFORT is required as well.

What has made this latest re-incarnation of an old theme so attractive to today's adherents is that it is being sold as “something for nothing!”

It would be enough to sell this idea strictly on its own merit but to really market it properly you have to convince people that you should be able to realize your dreams without any work or devoid of merit.

Anyone who feels they “deserve” something without the accompanying effort is the product of a generation that has a certain sense of “entitlement” to begin with and as a result they are the perfect “patsy” to be sold a bill of goods.

And who is to blame for this? WE ARE! (Meaning my generation, the baby boomers)

Our kids and grandchildren have been raised on a pedestal with a sense of entitlement unheard of in previous generations.

Where a hundred years ago the old Protestant Work Ethic was what got people ahead, this has slowly been modified with the advent of privilege and the leisure class, to the point where achievement and effort are completely divorced.

No more do we reward diligence and persistence, but rather we trade it for attitude and expectations, two commodities that without the former, are worthless.

Actually less than worthless because this way of thinking automatically sets us up for defeat and despair.

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com

Home, Sweet Home!

Click to enlarge.... then hold your breath!
Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com

Words of wisdom!

The Mayonnaise Jar and the Two Cups of Coffee.

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the Mayonnaise Jar ... and the Two Cups of Coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty Mayonnaise Jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.They agreed it that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the Mayonnaise Jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the Mayonnaise Jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the Mayonnaise Jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "Yes.”

The professor then produced Two Cups of Coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the Mayonnaise Jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“ Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided. "I want you to recognize that this Mayonnaise Jar represents your life."

The golf balls are the important things - Your God, Your Family, Your Children, Your Health, Your Friends and Your Favourite Passions – Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like - You're Job, Your House, Your Car.

The sand is everything else - The Small Stuff.

“ If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, "There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and take the garbage out.

Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

"One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Two Cups of Coffee represented?" The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Cups of Coffee with a friend".

THE PASTOR'S DONKEY

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR JUST $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is...being concerned about public opinion can bring you so much grief and misery; it can even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about someone else's ass.

You'll be a lot happier and you'll live longer!

Friendship

Friendship is like peeing your pants....... Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it's true warmth

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com

Antique Borg!

First Prototype!

UH!

O.K. kids, listen up! We all thought that Jessica Simpson was a moron..... right!

NOOOOOOO!

I have to tell you that Jessica is an Einstein compared to this broad below.

On the square, and hope to die if I'm lyin, this girl, young woman, air head, idiot or whatever she is, is lucky she can get through the day!

I had a couple of deep, philosophical and insightful thoughts that I wanted to share with you today, but after seeing this everything else went right out the window.

(This only goes to prove that entertainment beats education hands down, any day.)

Would you please look at it, (about 40 seconds) and someone tell me what the fuck she said?



These two sure don't do anything to dispel the myth of the "dumb blond!"

And by the way, if Miss Carolina ever sues me for slander on what I said here, then when it get to court I will just play the video and say; "I rest my case!"

Your arts and entertainment scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Ancient Lapland Tribe Discovered in Norway!

We now have proof-positive of Global Warming!
According to scientists, with the melting of snow and ice in the far North, ecosystems and lifestyles have been drastically altered.

This group Of Laplanders had lived alone and undetected for thousands of years in their ice huts and caves.

With the melting of glaciers in the far North their Igloo's were decimated and the reindeer left so when they came out into the open they were soon discovered and essentially forced to change their entire lifestyle.

Scientist studying this ancient tribe noticed that through century after century of living in the frigid environment that gradually developed a resistance to the cold.

Now with the warmer temperatures they have taken to fishing, eating wild berries and living in small huts.
Seen in this series of photo's, the group is for the very first time, out in the sun trying to get a tan!!!










Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com

Bush der Feurher

If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier -- so long as I'm the dictator.
--George W. Bush, Dec. 19, 2000
Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com

Back to School

O.K. kids, 10 days left and then it's back to the three R's, readin', ritin', and rithmatic!











Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God at www.God-101.com

Shit Happens!

From my book "The Plain Truth About God"
Taoism-Shit happens.
Confucianism- Confucius say, "Shit happens".
Calvinism- Shit happens because you don`t work hard enough.
Buddhism- If shit happens, it really isn`t shit.
Seventh Day Adventist- No shit on Saturdays
Zen- What is the sound of shit happening?
Hedonism- There`s nothing like a good shit happening.
Hinduism- This shit happened before.
Mormon- This shit is going to happen again.
Islam- If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Moonies- Only happy shit really happens.
Stoicism- This shit is good for me.
Protestantism- Let the shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism- Shit happens because you are BAD.
Hare Krishna- Shit happens rama rama.
Judaism- Why does this shit always happen to US?
Zoroastrianism- Shit happens half the time.
Christian Science- Shit is in your mind.
Atheism- Sheeit.
Existentialism- What is shit anyway?
Rastafarianism- Let`s smoke this shit.
Jesuitism- If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit?
Psychoanalysis- Shit happens because of your toilet training.
Scientology- Shit happens if you're on our shit list.
Unitarianism- Maybe shit happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.
Mysticism- What weird shit!
Agnosticism- What is this shit?
Nihilism- Who needs this shit?
Aztec- Cut out this shit!
Quaker- Let's not fight over this shit.
Forteanism- No shit??
12-Step- I am powerless to cut the shit.
Voodoo- Hey, that shit looks just like you!
New Age- Visualize shit not happening.
Deism- Shit just happens.
Secular Humanism- Shit evolves.
Shintoism- Shit is everywhere.
Wicca- Mix this shit together and make it happen!
Hasidism- Shit never happens the same way twice.
Objectivism- Our shit is good for you.
Theosophy- You don't know half of the shit that happens.
Dianetics- Your mother gave you shit before your were born.
Jehovah's Witnesses- No shit happens until Armageddon.
Hopi- Corn fertilizer happens.
Baha'i- It's all the same shit.