I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I'm semi-retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time.
In spite of that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now listening to my story!)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me?
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both..............! WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him from the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, 'Son... What happened last night?' 'Well Dad, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon.
"Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a speciality of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too, you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures."This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my goodness!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith."Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes,"the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally,when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....
Good Lord, she's fainted!"
AND FINALLY; In keepng with the "Perspective
" time honored tradition of "eventually pissing-off everyone at one time or another
" we present "Someting To Offend Everyone
-What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
-What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
-Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
-What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.
-What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
-What do lawyers use for birth control?
-What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
-What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
-What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
-Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
-Why is it hard to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-loking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
-What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
-What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
-A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in grade 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
-What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
-What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'
-Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Pepper spray will do that to you .
-Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
-What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
-How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
-What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA farirytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...'
-Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
Allan W Janssen is the author of the book The Plain Truth About God (What the mainstream religions don't want you to know!)
and is available at the web site www.God-101.com Visit the blog "Perspective" at http://God-101.blogspot.com
Labels: humor, satire, sunday morning funnies