I only hit him in the ass!

(The word Biathlon comes from the Greek word meaning two contests. At the Winter Olympics it means joining two sports together. Those two sports are cross country skiing and rifle shooting. The skiers have to go as fast as they can for a certain distance, then they have to shot at a target. It is really hard to do because your heart is beating fast from skiing so hard and then you have to try slow your heart down so you can hit a target that is about the size of a coin.)

I got kicked out of my health club today! Banned for life, as it were!

I like cross country skiing and have gotten into the habit of using the cross country ski machine for training two or three times a week.

The only drawback was that they always put me on the same machine in the back of the room.

This machine faces a wall with nothing on it except a woodland scene and after about ten or fifteen minutes it starts to get really boring. Boring, boring, boring!

As the weeks dragged on I grew more and more restless and finally decided I had to do something to liven things up a bit.

That's when I had an Epiphany and decided it would be far more interesting if instead of cross country skiing, I started to train for the Biathlon.

The next time I went in I brought along my old "Daisy Ryder BB Gun" and threw myself into a strict training regimen.

First, I did the cross country ski thing for about two kilometres and then got out the BB gun, lay on the floor, and picked off one of the guys working out on the rowing machine a few aisles over.

I quickly did another kilometre and was just getting my sights on a guy working out on a Bowflex when two security guards grabbed me and unceremoniously threw me out into the street.

I was told in no uncertain terms never to return and that the BB gun was confiscated!

Well, now that I don't have workout privileges at the health club anymore, I think I will take advantage of the nice weather and practice my "full contact golf!"

Your "keeping fit" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

New museum says dinosaurs were on Noah's Ark!

This story didn't get nearly as much publicity here in North America as it did in Europe. That's because most Europeans think that American Right Wing Republicans and Fundamentalist are nuts. Coo-coo. Crazy. Bonkers. Well, you get the idea!

Guest Post By Andrea Hopkins

PETERSBURG, Ky (Reuters) - Like many modern museums, the newest U.S. tourist attraction includes some awesome exhibits -- roaring dinosaurs and a life-sized ship.

But only at the Creation Museum in Kentucky do the dinosaurs sail on the ship -- Noah's Ark, to be precise.

The Christian creators of the museum, unveiled on Saturday, hope to draw as many as half a million people each year to their state-of-the-art project. It depicts the Bible's first book, Genesis, as literal truth!

While the $27 million museum near Cincinnati has drawn snickers from media and condemnation from U.S. scientists, those who believe God created the heavens and the Earth in six days about 6,000 years ago say their views are finally being represented.

"What we've done here is to give people an opportunity to hear information that is not readily available ... to challenge them that really you can believe the Bible's history," said Ken Ham, president of the group Answers in Genesis that founded the museum.

Here exhibits show the Grand Canyon took just days to form during Noah's flood, dinosaurs coexisted with humans and had a place on Noah's Ark, and Cain married his sister to people the earth, among other Biblical wonders.

Scientists, secularists and moderate Christians have pledged to protest the museum's public opening on Monday. An airplane trailing a "Thou Shalt Not Lie" banner buzzed overhead during the museum's opening news conference.

Opponents argue that children who see the exhibits will be confused when they learn in school that the universe is 14 billion years old rather than 6,000.

"Teachers don't deserve a student coming into class saying 'Gee Mrs. Brown, I went to this fancy museum and it said you're teaching me a lie,"' Dr. Eugenie Scott, executive director of the National Center for Science Education, told reporters before the museum opened.

A Gallup poll last year showed almost half of Americans believe that humans did not evolve but were created by God in their present form within the last 10,000 years.

Three of 10 Republican presidential candidates said in a recent debate that they did not believe in evolution.

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

You Live Where?

Saturday Morning Confusion!

My problem with the shooting of Ian Bush that we discussed in the last article is that the man was handcuffed and shot in the back of the head. This, to me, stinks to high heaven and needs to be looked into.

On the other hand, there are some situations where the use of "deadly force" is justified and even demanded. Take this case!

An Ontario Provincial Police officer was not criminally responsible in the shooting death of a mentally challenged Renfrew man in April, the provincial Special Investigations Unit has found.

Michael Foster, 24, died after the officer shot him in the chest outside Foster's home west of Ottawa. He was pronounced dead in hospital after he was shot in the chest by police.

This shooting is also a tragedy but; "It is entirely reasonable to conclude that the subject officer had an honest and reasonable belief that it was necessary to shoot Mr. Foster in order to protect himself from either death or grievous bodily harm," SIU director James Cornish said in a news release issued Friday afternoon.

The SIU, a civilian agency, investigates cases of serious injury, sexual assault or death involving police. Its investigation found that the officer only shot Foster after the man had brandished a pellet gun and multiple knives at police, thrown a knife in the direction of the officer who later shot him, and ignored repeated commands to stop and put the weapons down, the release said.

Police were called to Foster's home after he began acting aggressively toward his mother and girlfriend after an afternoon of drinking.

After Foster was shot, the police officer administered first aid and Foster was sent to hospital, where he was pronounced dead.

Something like this I have no problem with and sympathize with the cop who had to shoot someone, because not only do they have to do a difficult job, he will have to live with the shooting the rest of his life.
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I don't often agree with everything Donald Trump says but I have to admit I like Rosie O'Donnell about as much as he does.

Rosie O'Donnell has had enough of The View.

ABC has announced she won't be back on the daytime chat show following an angry confrontation over U.S. politics with co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck on Wednesday.

Rosie O'Donnell started at The View last September, and will not complete the season. The fight was a prolonged discussion about the war in Iraq, with harsh words by both parties.

Though the pair have frequently disagreed on air, this was their longest and most bitter argument to date. Toward the end, the network went to split screen as both co-hosts were speaking at once.

O'Donnell, known for her outspoken manner and strong political views, has received an early exit from her contract, which was due to end in mid-June.

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Chickenshit Shia cleric al-Sadr emerges after months of hiding

Shia cleric Muqtada al-Sadr resurfaced in Iraq Friday after nearly four months in hiding, and demanded U.S. troops leave Iraq.

Al-Sadr, 33, went underground, reportedly in Iran, at the start of a U.S.-led security crackdown on Baghdad. He also had ordered his militia off the streets to prevent conflict with U.S. forces.

Shia cleric Muqtada al-Sadr resurfaced Friday after spending four months in hiding.

His return to the Shia holy city of Najaf appeared to be an effort to regain control over his militia, which has begun fragmenting, and to take advantage of the illness of a Shia rival — Supreme Islamic Council of Iraq leader Abdul-Aziz al-Hakim, who was recently diagnosed with lung cancer and went to Iran for treatment.

Al-Sadr drove in a long motorcade from Najaf to its sister city of Kufa to deliver an anti-American sermon to 6,000 chanting supporters at the main mosque.

While the call for a U.S. pullout was nothing new, al-Sadr also peppered his speech with nationalist overtones, criticizing the government for not providing services, appealing to his followers not to fight with Iraqi security forces and reaching out to Sunnis.

"To our Iraqi Sunni brothers, I say that the occupation sows dissension among us and that strength is unity and division is weakness," he said. "I'm ready to co-operate with them in all fields."

Al-Sadr did not address his reasons for returning but during his time in absentia, his militia appeared to be splitting into extremist and moderate factions.

Gee, maybe we could send a few of our cops over there to deal with this nutcase!

Your "all the news" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

Canada's Finest?

Let me tell you something I have learned about cops.

I have formed an opinion about them because of a few of my own experiences;

A. I have friends from my school days who were on the Toronto Swat Team, on the Toronto Marine Unit, and another on the Durham Regional Force.

B. Plus, I had a few run-ins with the cops and our court system about 10-15 years ago that were all alcohol related. (This is one of the reasons I don't drink much anymore, I figure I drank enough before 50 to last me for anything over 50!)

Anyways, the problem with cops is that they all suffer from the same disease! You see, when a baby cop is in the police academy they are taught that their job is to "UPHOLD" the law!

Where we run into a problem is that every cop in the world, after he or she has been on the beat for a certain amount of time, has a dramatic shift in outlook and goes from being an "upholder of the law" to actually considering themselves to be the law.

(This might be partly because law enforcement officers live in a closed society where most if not all their friends are other cops, and also, the use of the power given to a police officer starts to go to their heads after a while.)

This, over a period of time, leads to an "Us vs. Them" mentality and is contagious to the point where eventually every cop is infected to a greater or lesser degree.

This also means that when one of them is in trouble, everyone else will close ranks to protect their own! (And please, please, don't insult my intelligence by telling me that cops don't lie!)

Now the purpose behind this whole story is to tell you about one of Canada's Finest who is now on the hot seat!

Out in western Canada there was an R.C.M.P. officer who arrested a young guy and took him to jail. (Just for arguments sake, we will call him Ian Bush)

It doesn't really matter what Ian was arrested for, since it was a minor offence, but rather it was the outcome that is serious and mysterious.

This young man, during the course of the arrest, was shot and killed by an R.C.M.P. officer (Paul Koester) in "self defense" after the man apparently became belligerent.


(This, by the way, was contrary to his nature, according to people who knew him.)

The whole point is that in an inquest being held a few years after the death, it just came to light that the young man who was killed was;

A. Handcuffed!

B. Shot in the BACK of the head at close range!

Here is some of the testimony so far:

Testimony today before Coroner Shane DeMeyer indicated there had been a violent struggle leading up to Bush being shot in the back of the head.

Sergeant Jim Hignell, a blood specialist, painted a picture to the jury of his interpretation of the crime scene. He said he believed that Bush was on top of Koester on a couch in the room.

Bush had Koester in a choke hold. Koester was able to draw his service revolver and beat Bush with the barrel end and then, fearing for his life, pulled the trigger.

No evidence has been introduced showing any bruise marks to Koester’s throat area.

Howard Rubin produced for the court a pair of life like statues and asked Sergeant Hignell to reproduce the struggle to the jury.

Hignell explained that he would have difficulty in getting himself into a position to fire the gun into the back of Bush’s head.

Under further cross examination Sergeant Jim Hignell testified that he spoke to RCMP Counsel last night.

What was said during that conversation is not known because of a client privilege.

The inquest was told that the struggle by Bush and Koester took place at about the seating level on the couch with Bush on top of Koester.

The shooting took place three blocks away from the arena where Bush and some friends had attended a hockey game; they had come out of the arena and were apparently drinking a beer when the police showed up.

When Bush failed to give his right name to Koester, he was taken to the detachment and then taken into the interrogation room.

Testimony will show that Koester said he turned on the tape machine to get a video and audio conversation of the event. Police would find out later there was no tape in the machine!!!!!

Constable Paul Koester, who is said to be stationed in Williams Lake, will testify tomorrow.

He was scheduled to appear today but Counsel agreed that it would be better to have all of his testimony and cross examination conducted at one time.

Koester is expected to testify that he tried to hit Bush with the barrel of the gun several times and then, fearing for his life, pulled the trigger as he was blacking out.

We will see what the rest of the inquest brings to light, but I'll leave you to draw any conclusions!

In the meantime, remember that old saying; "There's something rotten in Denmark."

Because if there is, it's probably the police force!

Your "hush, hush, and on the Q.T." scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Survey Says.....!

Please answer with either "A" or "B" in the comments section below!

A. YES, I live in a country that has been invaded by the United States!

B. NO, I live in a country that is still on their "to do" list!

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

Bush Family Pet Announces Presidential Run!

Guest Post Robert Friedman:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former Bush family pet, Barney, has announced that he will run for President as an independent candidate in 2008. Barney, who resigned from his post as Presidential dog earlier this year, is upbeat about his prospects for success.

“Barney is eager to run," says a close adviser. "In fact, Barney is always eager to run. It's his canine nature. Throw a stick and Barney will scramble after it without hesitation.

He and President Bush share that instinct, although Barney is bright enough to return with the stick. President Bush gets confused and just stands there until the Secret Service brings him back home to Laura."

Explains professional dog walker and close personal friend, Betty Donaldson, "Barney has a few bones to pick with the Bush Administration.

That's because Barney follows some simple rules in his life. Never pee in anyone's flowerbed. Engage in battle only when your doggie dish or territory is directly threatened. Never foul your own nest.

Barney feels that President Bush has disregarded these rules by idiotically invading Iraq, ignoring global warming, appointing crooked, inept cronies to important jobs, and implementing a wide range of other destructive policies.

Also, President Bush eats from the table, which disturbs Barney. He was taught never to do that."

Adds former Barney trainer, James Nelson, "Barney believes that George Bush should be whapped repeatedly on the snout with a rolled-up newspaper. While I would never endorse such negative training methods, I can kind of see Barney's point in this case."

Supporters have rallied to Barney's cause. "Remember that maverick image John McCain used to have?" asks Barney campaign worker James Bennett of Fort Hood, Indiana. "You know, before McCain started sucking up to the religious right and betraying the independent ideals he supposedly represents?

Also, Barney's Press Secretary and campaign manager Fido said Barney is the real thing. "He's never run with the pack. You might even call him a lone wolf. I admire that."

PETA President, Ingrid Newkirk, elaborates, "I think that being a dog gives Barney a unique perspective on human activity. Dogs don't torture each other, or lie, or pretend to forget things when called up before Congressional committees. I mean, find me a dog who isn't a better person than Alberto Gonzales.

Barney can see that we're really messing up in the dominant species department. My guess is that he's realized primates just aren't fit for the job. We've had a good run, if you ignore the fact that we're in the midst of destroying our own planet.

Well, hey, everybody makes mistakes sometimes, you know? Me, I think it might be a good moment for us to step aside and give another species a shot."

Film critic Roger Ebert believes that Barney's positive attitude towards public service was heavily influenced by American cinema. "Barney grew up watching old Rin Tin Tin, Lassie and Benji films. He saw that dogs could really help people out of serious problems, like being tied to train tracks or trapped in deep wells.

He also learned that humans aren't always particularly bright. I think watching these heroic dogs formed Barney's character. Running for President - a position that once meant trying to help average Americans rather than screwing them - is a reflection of those core beliefs." Long-time Republican political operatives disagree.

"I don't think this is a genuine campaign at all," says one anonymous White House advisor. "I believe Barney is sniffing around for a political appointment, or maybe even for the Vice-Presidency.

I mean, let's get serious. He's a dog. Granted, we were able to convince people that George Bush is competent, at least long enough to get him into office twice, which was frankly a miracle.

But even sophisticated political spinning won't get a yapping dog elected president. Maybe Vice President, but not President."

Political analyst Howard Fineman disagrees. "I've been pointing out for a while that this election cycle is tailor-made for a strong independent candidate. Barney fits the collar. He's a far better attack dog than any of the Republican candidates, who may behave as if they plan to bite you in the leg but are unlikely to do so.

Plus, as a dog of color, he brings far more diversity to the table than even the Democratic candidates do. I think we're all going to be a bit surprised by what a Barney candidacy unleashes."

Robert Friedman:

Star Wars approaches middle-age!

It was thirty years ago today that star wars hit the big screen!
Sure doesn't seem that long ago - in a galaxy far far away!
(Ya done good, George!)

Your "may the force be with you" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Images

Who said this, Hitler or Falwell?

Friends, before the iron grows too cold, I'd like to play a little game called "who said this, Hitler or Falwell!"

This is a simple game of Godwinism, in which I present a quote and YOU guess who said it!

Let's begin, shall we?

1. My feelings as a Christian point me to my Lord and Savior as a fighter.

2. This 'turn the other cheek' business is all well and good but it's not what Jesus died for.

3. Secular schools can never be tolerated because such a school has no religious instruction and a general moral instruction without a religious foundation is built on air; consequently, all character training and religion must be derived from faith.... We need believing people.

4. I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!

5. Universal education is the most corroding and disintegrating poison that liberalism has ever invented for its own destruction.

6. We were convinced that the people needs and requires this faith. We have therefore undertaken the fight against the atheistic movement, and that not merely with a few theoretical declarations: we have stamped it out.

7. We want to fill our culture again with the Christian spirit … We want to burn out all the recent immoral developments in literature, in the theater, and in the press. . .we want to burn out the poison of immorality which has entered into our whole life and culture as a result of liberal excess.

8. This the national government will regard its first and foremost duty to restore the unity of spirit and purpose of our people. It will preserve and defend the foundations upon which the power of our nation rests. It will take Christianity, as the basis of our collective morality, and the family as the nucleus of our people and state, under its firm protection....May God Almighty take our work into his grace, give true form to our will, bless our insight, and endow us with the trust of our people.

9. Remain strong in your faith, as you were in former years. In this faith, in its close-knit unity our people to-day goes straight forward on its way and no power on earth will avail to stop it.

10. We're fighting against humanism, we're fighting against liberalism ... we are fighting against all the systems of Satan that are destroying our nation today .

Hitler or Falwell answer key below! How many did YOU get right?

1. Hitler
2. Falwell
3. Hitler
4. Falwell
5. Hitler
6. Hitler
7. Hitler
8. Hitler
9. Hitler
10 Falwell

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

Talk like Bob Dylan Day!

We missed "Talk like a Pirate Day" back in the spring. We also missed "Talk like Yoda Day last Tuesday, we did." But, this is your chance to redeem yourself.

Today, May 24th, is Bob Dylan's birthday and also "Talk like Bob Dylan Day!"

Yes, youuuu toooooooo can talk like Bob Dylan all day and drive your friends and associates nuts. Give it a try, and good luck.

Your "how does it feeeeeeeel" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

OH NO!

OH SHIT!

"Ugly American" takes on a whole new meaning!

A naked American tourist raised eyebrows when he went for a walk through a German city and told police he thought this was acceptable behavior in Germany.

"We have been having unusually hot weather here lately but, all the same, we can't have this," a spokesman for police in the southern city of Nuremberg said Tuesday. "The man said he thought walking around naked was tolerated in Germany."

Many Germans enjoy nude sunbathing which is allowed in public parks. The 41-year-old was carrying his clothes in a bag when police stopped him Monday evening after complaints from pedestrians.

The tourist was not under the influence of drugs, said police. They made him get dressed and pay a 200 euro ($269) deposit pending his investigation for indecent behavior.

Meanwhile, they don't seem to have that problem in Mexico City!
Thousands of naked volunteers pose for U.S. photographer Spencer Tunick at Mexico City's Zocalo square May 6, 2007. A record 18,000 people took off their clothes to pose for Tunick on Sunday in Mexico City's Zocalo square, the heart of the ancient Aztec empire.

Your "the bare facts" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

Drunk and Disorderly? No, Pissed and Disabled!

A wheelchair-bound German stunned police when they pulled him over for using the road and found he was 5 times over the legal alcohol limit for drivers.

"He was right in the middle of the road," said a spokesman for police in the northeastern city of Schwerin Tuesday. "The officers couldn't quite believe it when they saw the results of the breath test. That's a life-threatening figure."

The 31-year-old told police he had been out drinking with a friend and was a little over a mile from home when a squad car stopped him as he weaved through the village of Ventschow.

Police said that because the man was technically traveling as a pedestrian, he could not be charged with a driving offence.

"It's not like we can impound his wheelchair," the spokesman said. "But he is facing some sort of punishment, we're just not sure what yet!"

Your "on the spot" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition! or... Why I became an Agnostic!

"Christianity began as a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. When it went to Athens, it became a philosophy. When it went to Rome, it became an organization. When it went to Europe, it became a culture. When it came to America, it became a business." (From The Plain Truth About God-101 - what the church doesn't want you to know!")

L. Ron Hubbard (Founder of Scientology) once said "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wanted to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion. (He also said "Le's see just how stupid they {followers} really are!" from the book - God-101 "what the church doesn't want you to know!")




While our modern day evangelists have not started their own religion, they have unquestionably improved on Hubbard’s idea.

Capitalizing on Christianity has proved to be far more lucrative than starting a new religion.

Because Televangelists are on the whole a shady lot who don't even have the morals to be used car salesman I have a natural distrust of Baptists in the United States.

They are responsible for the trouble we have between religion and politics in the States, with such notable examples as the Creationism and the Intelligent Design movement, genetic research, gay marriage, school curriculum's, religious artifacts and quotations on public buildings and in public institutions, etc. etc.

Also, a series of scandals in the 1980s resulted in the fall from grace of several famous televangelists, including Jim Baker, (and don't forget Tammy Fay) who served a prison sentence for financial improprieties associated with his ministry, and Jimmy Swaggart, who made a famous tearful confession to a dalliance with a prostitute.
Most of these televangelists have continued preaching nonetheless, even though their audiences may be a small fraction of what they were at the height of their popularity.

One of the most prominent examples of this is the notorious Oral Roberts incident of 1987, in which the televised preacher demanded that his audience give him $8,000,000 or "God would kill him".

They did. God didn't!

(From the book The Plain Truth About God-101 "what the church doesn't want you to know!" **-In regards to Oral Roberts’ claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $8 million by March, God’s lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated; “If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.’’ Dennis Miller, SNL News

Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell achieved further notoriety in 2001 with their conviction that the September 11 terrorist attacks constituted divine retribution provoked by rampant sexual immorality.

In 2005, Robertson announced on The 700 Club that Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez ought to be "taken out" by the US government. Many viewed this as a call for assassination.

Later that year, in November, Robertson warned the town of Dover, Pennsylvania of a severe natural disaster following the defeat of the local school board for advocating intelligent design.

In 2006, Robertson said God smote Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon after he withdrew troops from the Gaza Strip.

Don't even get me started on Benny Hinn! That son-of-a-bitch couldn't get hired by a carnival sideshow because of his "overacting!"

Anyway, to get back on track, my distrust of Southern Baptists Fundamentalists is well founded, especially since they hold such sway over the current administration in Washington.

I was under the impression that they were in the majority across the United States but after a bit of research, to my great relief, I find this isn't true.

Sure there are a few states that have a majority of Baptists, such as Arkansas:

ARKANSAS' LARGEST DENOMINATIONS

1. Southern Baptists 665,307
2. United Methodists 179,383
3. Catholics 115,967
4. American Baptist Assn. 115,916
5. Baptist Missionary Assn. of America 87,244
6. Churches of Christ 86,342
7. Assemblies of God 67,187
8. National Assn. of Freewill Baptists 26,268
9. Presbyterians (PCUSA) 25,345
10. Nazarenes 17,110

And Kentucky - Largest Kentucky Denominations:

1. Southern Baptist Convention 979,994
2. Catholic Church 406,021
3. United Methodist Church 208,720
4. Independent Christian Churches 106,638
5. Christian Church (Disciples) 67,611
6. Churches of Christ 58,602
7. Presbyterian Church USA 36,940
8. Church of God (Cleveland, TN) 33,572
9. Assemblies of God 30,103
10. National Assn of Free Will Baptists 20,441

But on the whole Baptists, I am pleased to report, are not the majority. It seems the Catholics hold sway by a very wide margin and this gives me comfort since my wife is a Catholic and at least I understand them and the way they think.

Largest U.S. denominations

1.) The Catholic Church, 67,820,833 members;
2.) The Southern Baptist Convention, 16,267,494;
3.) The United Methodist Church, 8,186,254;
4.) The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 5,999,177;
5.) The Church of God in Christ, 5,499,875;
6.) National Baptist Convention, USA, Inc., 5,000,000;
7.) Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, 4,930,429;
8.) National Baptist Convention of America, 3,500,000;
9.) Presbyterian Church (USA), 3,189,573;
10) Assemblies of God, 2,779,095

Source: 2006 Yearbook of American and Canadian Churches

Oh yes, The Church of Allan - 12 members!

This means there are over 67 million Catholics in America compared to only slightly less than 25 million Baptists so it doesn't look like we are going to have a right wing fundamentalist uprising any time in the near future.

But then again, I've been wrong before.

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

Gir---illas just want to have fun!

A 57-year-old Dutch woman who was attacked by a gorilla at a Rotterdam zoo said the ape was still her favorite even though she felt she was going to die when he bit her and then dragged her into his enclosure where she remained with him for over a half an hour....

I stood by the small apes in the Africa section when I heard a thud behind me. I turned around and there was Bokito. I had nowhere to go. He gripped me, sat on me with his full weight and bit me.

Bokito got me into his enclosure where he just wanted to have some private time with me!" the woman told the Telegraaf.

"He is and remains my darling," the paper quoted the woman as saying from her hospital bed, where she is being treated for bite wounds and a broken arm and wrist.

The 11-year old male gorilla burst out of its enclosure on Friday and went on a rampage in the zoo's cafeteria before being recaptured.



"I go to the zoo almost every day with my husband, and we're always going to see Bokito. I even have pictures and videos from Berlin when he was only four months old," the woman told Dutch mass-circulation daily Telegraaf.

"I could only think 'O God, I'm going to die, I'm going to die' but it turns out that the gorilla wasn't all that dangerous, he just liked me..... a lot!"

The Telegraaf said people had since come from across the country to Rotterdam Zoo to see the gorilla.

Your "monkey see, monkey do" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

OH NOOOO000000000oooooooooo........!

People just prove over and over that even if they are not personally stupid they sure do stupid things.

Just heard on the news that two mountain climbers in the Canadian Rockies were killed when they fell to their deaths off a cliff face!

The strange thing about this is that they were roped together! I've got to tell you something! If I'm hanging on to a cliff face by my toes and fingernails, the last thing in the world I would do is tie myself to someone else!

Listen, I'm no idiot, if I make the mistake of going mountain climbing in the first place and then fall off the mountain on top of it all, I have no one to blame but myself.

I'll be damned if I'm going to let someone else's clumsiness pull me off the side of a cliff.

Your "afraid of heights" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Positive Feedback.

Bible Belt Blogger said...
Thank you for mentioning my interview with former President Carter. If your readers would like to hear the interview or read my entire story, it's available at: Bible Belt Blogger

Also, I've posted an on-line exclusive about President Carter's thoughts on Jerry Falwell and the Moral Majority's impact on the 1980 election.

Thanks again.

Frank Lockwood
Religion Editor
Arkansas Democrat-Gazette

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

Little Mermaid has no Shame!

Unknown offenders put a Muslim dress and head scarf on the famed Little Mermaid statue in Copenhagen early Sunday May 20 2007, police said.

After receiving a telephone call, a police car was dispatched to the site and she was undressed, Copenhagen police spokesman Jorgen Thomsen said.

The Little Mermaid was created by Danish sculptor Edvard Eriksen in tribute to Danish storyteller Hans Christian Andersen.

Sitting on a rock at the entrance of the Copenhagen harbor since 1913, she draws an estimated 1 million visitors a year, and is occasionally targeted by vandals.

A police spokesman said the statue was draped in Muslim garb to protest the inclusion of Turkey in the European Union while local Muslim groups thought it was just because the little mermaid looked "indecent," and besides that, she was propably "cold!"

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

Jimmy Carter tells it like it is!

Thought you might find this story from AP interesting, I know I did!

Bush's global impact 'worst in history': Carter.

Former U.S. president Jimmy Carter has called President George W. Bush's administration "the worst in history" in international relations, criticizing the White House's policy of pre-emptive war and its Middle East diplomacy.


The criticism from Carter, which a biographer says is unprecedented for the 39th president, also took aim at Bush's environmental policies and the administration's "quite disturbing" faith-based initiative funding.

"I think as far as the adverse impact on the nation around the world, this administration has been the worst in history," Carter told the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette in a story that appeared in the newspaper's Saturday editions.

"The overt reversal of America's basic values as expressed by previous administrations, including those of George H.W. Bush and Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon and others, has been the most disturbing to me."

Carter spokeswoman Deanna Congileo confirmed his comments to the Associated Press on Saturday and declined to elaborate. Carter spoke while promoting his new audiobook series, Sunday Mornings in Plains, a collection of weekly Bible lessons from his hometown of Plains, Ga.

"Apparently, Sunday mornings in Plains for former President Carter includes hurling reckless accusations at your fellow man," said Amber Wilkerson, Republican National Committee spokeswoman. She said it was hard to take Carter seriously because he also "challenged Ronald Reagan's strategy for the Cold War."

"We now have endorsed the concept of pre-emptive war where we go to war with another nation militarily, even though our own security is not directly threatened, if we want to change the regime there or if we fear that some time in the future our security might be endangered," he said. "But that's been a radical departure from all previous administration policies."

Carter, who won a Nobel Peace Prize in 2002, criticized Bush for having "zero peace talks" in Israel. Carter also said the administration "abandoned or directly refuted" every negotiated nuclear arms agreement, as well as environmental efforts by other presidents.

Douglas Brinkley, a Tulane University presidential historian and Carter biographer, described Carter's comments as unprecedented.

"This is the most forceful denunciation President Carter has ever made about an American president," Brinkley said. "When you call somebody the worst president, that's volatile. Those are fighting words."

Carter also lashed out Saturday at British Prime Minister Tony Blair. Asked how he would judge Blair's support of Bush, the former president said: "Abominable. Loyal. Blind. Apparently subservient."

"And I think the almost undeviating support by Great Britain for the ill-advised policies of President Bush in Iraq have been a major tragedy for the world," Carter told BBC radio.

Jeez Jimmy, don't be so easy on them, why don't you tell it like it really is!!!!

Your "all the news that fits" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Sunday Morning Funnies!

Smart blonde.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Abstinence.

Three couples go to see their local priest about become members of his church. The first couple are retired, the second couple are middle-aged and the final couple are newlyweds.

The minister told them that if they could abstain from sex for a whole month they would be welcome in his church.

When the month is up the three couples return. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first two weeks, but after that, it was fine. The newlyweds said it was fine until she got the turkey out the freezer.

"What do you mean?" asked the priest.

"Well," explained the newlywed man. "She bent over to get the turkey out of the freezer, and I couldn't resist. I just had to give it to her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said "You are not welcome here."

"I know," said the man. "That's what the manager of the supermarket said too."

My friend is dead!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says: "OK, now what?"

Doctors terminology.

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Wellll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

Barbie & G.I.Joe.

A little girl waits in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "So what would you like for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I'd like a Barbie and a G.I.Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "But I thought Barbie comes with Ken?"

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I.Joe, she only fakes it with Ken!"
(Just what the hell is Barbi into these days?)
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Last year, a BBC News correspondent in Sudan reported that village elders in the Upper Nile state had punished Charles Tombe, who had been caught being amorous with a goat, by requiring him to pay a dowry to the goat's owner, to endure a "wedding" to the goat, and to treat the goat as his "wife" to embarrass him.

The dispatch ran worldwide and was the most popular story on the BBC News' Web site for 2006. BBC News reported in May 2007 that the goat, "Rose," which had given birth to one kid in the interim (clearly, not fathered by Tombe), had recently passed away after choking on a plastic bag. (Gee, that's too baaaaaaad!)

Allan

Gotcha!

Those Internet marketers are a sneaky bunch of bastards alright. The latest scam they have is sending you "mail returned" notices as if some e-mail you sent was not delivered.

Naturally you click on the attachment to see what it was you sent and "lo and behold" there is an advertisement for Viagra, or hair grower, or dick enhancer or whatever!

You got to give these guys an "A" for effort......... and a punch in the mouth if you ever run across one of them!!!

Your "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com