I'm a fucking asshole!

Yes you are....and in your case, that's O.K.

Al Gore investigated, then cleared!

A day after receiving Oscar glory for a documentary on global warming, former Vice President Al Gore was called a hypocrite by a Tennessee group saying his Belle Meade home is using too much energy.

The home’s average month electric bill topped $1,359.

At first, police thought he had a marijuana "grow-op" in the house to use that much electricity, but an investigation failed to turn up anything!

In spite of this, Drew Johnson, president of the Tennessee Center for Policy Research said; “As the spokesman of choice for the global warming movement, Al Gore has to be willing to walk (the) walk, not just talk the talk, when it comes to home energy use!”

Your "It's not easy being green" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Roll them bones!

Well, the uproar over James Cameron's documentary about the burial place and ossuary of Jesus has started, just as I predicted last weekend.

Keep watching this story, it has the potential to put the "Shroud of Turin" thing to shame!"

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

It's A Dogs Life! Or, Who Let the Dogs Out?

Your "Allan the Mutt" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Religious Right Now Wants Unintelligent Design

The Religious Right has begun to change its tack in the battle over creationism versus evolution.

Stung by the proliferation of scientific evidence for evolution, public opinion polls running against them, and the transformation of Britney Spears from a slim chaste teen to a fat slut, leading theoreticians in the Religious Right are preparing to dump Intelligent Design for an new theory of Unintelligent Design.

“We were losing the battleground for hearts and minds.” said Don Wildmon, chairman of the Kansas School Board Associations. “So we needed a new pitch and a whole new campaign."

The group commissioned a lot of consumer research, which identified people’s fascination with wars, terrorism, natural disasters killing tens of thousands of people, NASCAR pileups, random violence and Donald Trump’s comb-over.

In an official statement Mr. Wildmon said; "People now have the feeling that the world is spinning out of control, and that they have no security anymore. They question whether the Big Guy is up there looking out for them, hence our new doctrine, Unintelligent Design."

Don Wildmon went on to say; "The idea is that the chaos on the world is all part of God’s plan and was put into practice by God's idiot Half-Brother Thor."

“We believe we are on are onto a winning marketing strategy," he said. "People are hard-wired to believe there is a Divinity and to blame the mess on an errant family member just seems natural."

Your "Biblical" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

Let's not overdo it! Or, everything in moderation!

Modern Muslim's have no idea how lucky they are!

I just found out that Muhammad originally wanted people to pray 12 times a day, but, after much debate, his followers finally talked him out of it and he settled on five times a day!

Good thing too, otherwise you poor people wouldn't have time to do anything else during the day except pray!

Your "pious" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

No Particular Reason!

I just sit here like a dummy, wondering why I miss B.C.

You're going to cut off my WHAT!

If you have ever been "cut to the quick," you know how much a cut quick can hurt! Now scientists are telling us that it does a lot more than just make your eyes water!

Dr. Sandra Weintraub was doing a study at Norhtwestern University's Cognitive Neurology and Alzheimer's Disease Center in Chicago. She asked who was suffering from "Primary Progressive Aphasia, (PPA, a neuro-degenerative disease that slowly destroys a persons ability to remember things) from amongst a group of people who were there for an orientation session.

Of the two dozen people who were there, nine people said that they had PPA. Of those nine, she asked who had a vasectomy sometime in the past and eight of them put up their hands. (89%)

Weintraub recalls; "My reaction was, WOW!"

After a lot of study on this subject, they concluded that 40% of people with PPA had a vasectomy while only 15% of unimpaired people had one!

Let that be a lesson to all you guys, do not let anyone fool around with your Willy! If you do, you might not remember that they did!
If you know what I mean!

Your "not with me you don't" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Worse Than Tunnel Vision!

Israeli newspapers have printed photos of Defence Minister Amir Peretz trying to watch military manoeuvres through binoculars with the lens caps still on. Mr Peretz was inspecting troops in the Golan Heights with the Israeli army's new chief of staff, Gen Gabi Ashkenazi.

But, one Israeli paper pointed out that he is not the first prominent official to make this mistake. According to the daily Yediot Ahronot, US President George W Bush and former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon have both done the same thing.

These guys have been accused in the past of having "tunnel vision," but this beats that by a country mile!

Your "on the front lines" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Guest Post: Come Fly With Me!

By Leonard David
Special to Space News

A passenger-carrying suborbital spaceliner and the airplane that will serve as its first stage are starting to take shape on the factory floors at Scaled Composites of Mojave, Calif.

Work on the SpaceShipTwo prototype is moving forward, as is the fabrication of the White Knight 2 mothership, and at this point spaceline operator Virgin Galactic is eyeing late 2009 as the beginning of commercial flights with paying customers.

Scaled Composites is the firm led by aerospace designer Burt Rutan, whose team designed and built SpaceShipOne, the vehicle that made a trio of piloted suborbital flights in 2004, snagging the $10 million Ansari X Prize by completing back-to-back suborbital hops within a two-week time period.


When Scaled Composites developed SpaceShipOne, the company viewed it as Tier 1 of an effort whose next step, Tier 1b, would be manufacturing a fleet of space planes to carry commercial passengers on suborbital trips into space.

In July 2005, Rutan and U.K. billionaire Sir Richard Branson announced they had signed an agreement to form The Spaceship Co., to be jointly owned by Virgin and Scaled Composites.

The new aerospace production group was created to manufacture launch aircraft, spaceships and support equipment and market them to spaceline operators, including Branson’s Virgin Galactic, which placed orders for five spaceships and two launch aircraft with options on additional systems. Branson’s order secured the exclusive use of the systems for the initial 18 months of commercial passenger operations.

SpaceShipTwo will be carried to launch altitude by the aircraft White Knight 2, which will release the space vehicle for launch at an altitude of 1,828.8 meters. The space vehicle is being built to seat six passengers and two pilots. The price to buy a ticket now is $200,000, which covers pre-training, the suborbital trip to an altitude of 109.4 kilometers and post-landing frivolity.

At present, Virgin Galactic has $20 million in deposits, said Will Whitehorn, the company’s president. “We just surpassed the 200-customer level in terms of people who have actually made a financial commitment, put their money down and signed their contracts,” Whitehorn said.

Space travel registrations on the Virgin Galactic Internet Web site, number about 82,000 expressions of interest, Whitehorn said. “Those registrations are genuine … with quite a number prepared to sign in the next three or four years. But they do want to see a finished spaceship before they are prepared to commit. I don’t blame them for that. We’re hoping to have a working spaceship that’s actually commencing spaceflight in its test mode by the middle of 2008.”

Toe the Line, or Else!

A few weeks ago we had an article about Herouxville, Quebec, which has one immigrant family in its population of about 1,300, and is 160km (100 miles) north-east of Montreal.

It is attempting to attract new citizens and its council published (with tongue in cheek) the new rules for immigrants on the town's website.

"We wish to inform these new arrivals that the way of life which they abandoned when they left their countries of origin cannot be recreated here," the declaration reads.

"We consider it completely outside norms to... kill women by stoning them in public, burning them alive, burning them with acid, circumcising them, etc."

It points out that women are allowed to drive, vote, dance and own their own homes.

The rules ban Sikh children from carrying ceremonial daggers to school, even though the Supreme Court has ruled they can.

The man behind the declaration, councillor Andre Drouin, told the National Post newspaper the rules were not racist.

"We invite people from all nationalities, all languages, all sexual orientations, whatever, to come live with us, but we want them to know ahead of time how we live," he said.

Mr Drouin said there had been a number of recent incidents of culture clashes that meant the new rules were needed.

Mr Drouin said most e-mails were supportive of the new declaration.

However, the president of the Muslim Council of Montreal, Salam Elmenyawi, condemned the council, saying it had set back race relations decades.

He told Reuters news agency: "I was shocked and insulted to see these kinds of false stereotypes and ignorance about Islam and our religion."

In response to Mr. Elmenyawi I would like to quote some of the rules that my wife had to follow when she was in Saudi Arabia with her first husband back in the 1980's!

1. You must live in a walled compound supplied by the Saudi government. Living anywhere else is forbidden.
2. Women are NOT allowed to drive.
3. Women cannot go out of the compound without a male companion.
4. Women must always wear an Abaya when outside. (This is a long cloak that covers you from head to foot.
5. You must surrender your passport when entering Saudi Arabia and obtain an "exit visa" when wishing to leave. Internal travel papers must be issued to foreigners.
6. No personal photographs or magazines allowed in the country that have pictures of women with bare arms or legs.
7. No crucifixes or Star of David medallions to be displayed or worn. No church or Synagogue services allowed.
8. Any and all T.V. programs will be censured by the Saudi Government!

Now, just so you know, here is the complete declaration from the town of Herouxville and it doesn't seem very Draconian at all. Tongue in cheek or not!

Municipalité Hérouxville
Publication of Standards

The social development and territory security are some of the major objective goals of the democratically voted individuals in our MRC. Hérouxville being part of the MRC, we share these same objectives. To do this, we would like to invite, without discrimination, in the future, all people from outside our MRC that would like to move to this territory.

Without discrimination means to us, without regard to race or to the color of skin, mother tongue spoken, sexual orientation, religion, or any other form of beliefs.
So that the future residents can integrate socially more easily, we have decided unanimously, to make public, certain standards already in place and very well anchored in the lives of our electors.

These standards come from our municipal laws being Federal or Provincial, and all voted democratically. They also come from the social life and habits & customs of all residents of our territory.

Our objective is to show that we support the wishes of our electors and this being shown clearly by the results of our poll regarding this issue. And our goal is to inform the new arrivals to our territory, how we live to help them make a clear decision to integrate into our area.

We would especially like to inform the new arrivals that the lifestyle that they left behind in their birth country cannot be brought here with them and they would have to adapt to their new social identity.

Published by The mayor and 6 city counselors of Hérouxville, democratically elected.

Municipalité Hérouxville

The Standards

Our Women

We consider that men and women are of the same value. Having said this, we consider that a woman can; drive a car, vote, sign checks, dance, decide for herself, speak her peace, dress as she sees fit respecting of course the democratic decency, walk alone in public places, study, have a job, have her own belongings and anything else that a man can do. These are our standards and our way of life.

However, we consider that killing women in public beatings, or burning them alive are not part of our standards of life.

Our Children

Our children are required to attend public or private schools to insure their social development and to help integrate into our society. Any form of violence towards children is not accepted.

Our Festivities

We listen to music, we drink alcoholic beverages in public or private places, we dance and at the end of every year we decorate a tree with balls and tinsel and some lights. This is normally called “Christmas Decorations” or also “Christmas Tree” letting us rejoice in the notion of our national heritage and not necessarily a religious holiday. These festivities are authorized in public, schools, and institutions and also in private.

Our Health Care

In our old folks homes men and women are treated by responsible men and women. Please note that there is no law voted democratically that prohibits a woman treating a man and a man treating a woman.

In our hospitals and CLSC’s woman doctors can treat men and women and the same for the men doctors. This same principle applies for nurses, firemen and women, ambulance technicians. These responsible people do not have to ask permission to perform blood transfusions or any task needed to save a life.

For the last few years men have been allowed into the delivery room to assist in the birth of their baby. They have been with their wives to prenatal courses to help them in this task.

In the said establishments the patients are offered traditional meals. There is often music playing in the background. There are magazines or news papers available and any other form of multimedia that shows our community spirit and our way of life.

Our Education

In our schools certified men and women teach our children. The women or men teachers can teach boys or girls with no sexual discrimination. They do not have to dress any different to accomplish their tasks.

In our schools the children cannot carry any weapons real or fake, symbolic or not. The children can sing, play sports or play in groups.

To promote decency and to avoid all discrimination some schools have adopted a dress code that they strongly enforce.

For the last few years to draw away from religious influences or orientation no locale is made available for prayer or any other form of incantation. Moreover, in many of our schools no prayer is allowed. We teach more science and less religion.

In our scholastic establishments, be private or public, generally, at the end of the year you will possibly see “Christmas Decorations” or “Christmas Trees” The children might also sing “Christmas Carols” if they want to.

Many of our schools have cafeterias that serve traditional foods. Students may decide to eat elsewhere.

The history of Quebec is taught in our schools. Biology lessons are also given.

Our Sports & Leisure

For the longest time boys and girls have played the same games and often play together. For example, if you came to my place we would send the kids to swim together in the pool, don’t be surprised this is normal for us.

You would see men and women skiing together on the same hill at the same time, don’t be surprised this is normal for us. You would also see men and women playing hockey together, don’t be surprised this is normal for us.

In our public swimming pools we have men and women lifeguards for our security to protect us from drowning, don’t be surprised this is normal for us.

All the laws adopted that permit these phenomenons have followed a strict democratic process. You would appreciate this new life style and share our habits & customs.

Our Security

Our immense territory is patrolled by police men and women of the “Surete du Quebec”. They have always been allowed to question or to advise or lecture or to give out an infraction ticket to either a man or woman.

You may not hide your face as to be able to identify you while you are in public. The only time you may mask or cover your face is during Halloween, this is a religious traditional custom at the end of October celebrating all Saints Day, where children dress up and go door to door begging for candy and treats.

All of us accept to have our picture taken and printed on our driver’s permit, health care card and passports. A result of democracy.

Our Work Place

The employers must respect the governmental laws regarding work conditions. These laws include holidays known and accepted in advance by all employees. These work conditions are negotiated democratically and once accepted both parties respect them.

No law or work condition imposes the employer to supply a place of prayer or the time during the working day for this activity. You will also see men and women working side by side. We wear safety helmets on work sites, when required by law.

Our Business

Our businesses are governed by municipal, provincial and federal laws. In our busi-nesses men and women work together and serve the clientele whether they be man or woman.

The products sold by these businesses can be of any kind. Food products for example must be approved by different governmental agencies before being offered to the general public. You might see in the same store several different types of meat, eg. Beef , chicken, pork and lamb.

Other stores offer their clientele a place and equipment to exercise. These places have windows that their clientele can look outside while exercising and are composed of men and women dressed in clothing appropriate for exercising.

Our Families

You will appreciate that both parents manage the children needs and both have the same authority. The parents can be of the same race or not, be from the same country or not, have the same religion or not, even be of the same sex or not.

If a boy or girl wants to get married, they may, they have the liberty to chose who their spouse will be. The democratic process is applied to ensure each and everyone’s liberty to choose.

In our families, the boys and girls eat together at the same table and eat the same food. They can eat any type of meat, vegetables or fruit. They don’t eat just meat or just vegetables they can eat both at the same time and this throughout the whole year.

If our children eat meat for example, they don’t need to know where it came from or who killed it.Our people eat to nourish the body not the soul.

Other

You might still see crosses that tell our past. They are an integrated part of our history and patrimony and should be considered as such.

To publish all the laws and standards of Municipalité Hérouxville would be a tedious task.

The standards published above are just a sample so the new arrivals to this territory can clearly identify with us before making their decision to move here.

Certainly, being the elected members, we would give the new arrivals the assurance that the conditions that they have fled from in their country would not happen again here in our territory.

Signed jointly by the mayor and 6 city counselors of Hérouxville, all democratically elected.

Makes sense to me! Except of course that since we are talking about a village in Quebec, all the street and store signs have to be predominately in French.

Your "common sense" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Sail Away! Come Sail Away!

This is a picture my buddy Fred sent me of his new boat!

It seems that last year he answered some sort of an advertisement from a guy in Nigeria who wanted to smuggle 58 million dollars out of the country and needed a contact in the West.

One thing led to another a Fred finally got about 10%, or 5.8 million out of the deal and no one has seen him since!

This picture is the first news we got from him since last September when he informed us that he had also won $265,000 dollars in a European Internet lottery!

Some guys have all the luck!

Your "green with envy" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Beaver Seen In NYC; First In Centuries!

(AP) NEW YORK - Beavers grace New York City's official seal. But they haven't been spotted for as much as 200 years — until this week!

After the sighting, Paris Hilton was quoted as saying that she was glad to be back in "The Big Apple" but didn't understand what all the fuss was about!

Your "Hush, Hush" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Oscars

A short note here. It's the wee hours of the morning and I have just finished watching the Oscars!

You can say what you want about America and its politics and values and lifestyle and aspirations, but the fact remains that the "Great American Entertainment Machine" sure knows how to put on one hell of a show!


I certainly don't claim that this is what makes America great.........! But it sure is what America does best!

Your "Live from Hollywood" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Maybe it just seems that way!

We got this rather suspicious article from Hong Kong.

(Reuters) - A 107-year-old Hong Kong villager, who still enjoys an occasional smoke, has attributed his longevity in part to decades of sexual abstinence, a newspaper said on Sunday.

I don't know why I have lived this long, Chan Chi -- one of Hong Kong's oldest people -- was quoted as saying during an annual dinner for the city's elders. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have lived a sex-less life for many years -- since I was 40, said Chan, a widower whose wife died during World War Two.

Chan, from Hong Kong's less built-up New Territories hinterland, was pictured looking sprightly and eating heartily at the banquet.

A former chef, he said a low-fat diet and regular dawn exercises had helped him fight off the ravages of old age.

But the centenarian, who's had no difficulty living a monastic existence for nearly 70 years, admits the pleasures of tobacco have been harder to resist.

"Now I want to quit," he was quoted as saying of his decades-long cigarette addiction.

"Maybe the government should ban cigarette sales so I can give it up," he added.

Meanwhile a study done on Mr. Chi by scientist from a Boston Medical Center said his actual age was closer to 80 and he just looked that old through a combination of heavy smoking and lack of sex!

Your "not over the hill yet" scribe;
Allan w Janssen

Guest Post: Tim McGirk!

Brace yourself. James Cameron, the man who brought you "The Titanic" is back with another blockbuster.

This time, the ship he's sinking is Christianity.

In a new documentary, Producer Cameron and his director, Simcha Jacobovici, make the startling claim that Jesus wasn't resurrected --the cornerstone of Christian faith-- and that his burial cave has been discovered near Jerusalem.

And get this, Jesus sired a son with Mary Magdalene.

(Gee, I wrote that in my book; "The plain truth about God-101" [what the church doesn't want you to know!] about six years ago!

And no, it's not a re-make of "The Da Vinci Code."

Let's go back 27 years, when Israeli construction workers were gouging out the foundations for a new building in the industrial park in the Talpiyot, a Jerusalem suburb. of Jerusalem.

The earth gave way, revealing a 2,000 year old cave with 10 stone caskets.

Archeologist's were summoned, and the stone caskets carted away for examination.

It took 20 years for experts to decipher the names on the ten tombs. They were: Jesua, son of Joseph, Mary, Mary, Mathew, Jofa and Judah, son of Jesua.

Israel's prominent archaeologist Professor Amos Kloner didn't associate the crypt with the New Testament Jesus. His father, after all, was a humble carpenter who couldn't afford a luxury crypt for his family. And all were common Jewish names.

There was also this little inconvenience that a few miles away, in the old city of Jerusalem, Christians for centuries had been worshipping the empty tomb of Christ at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher.

Christ's resurrection, after all, is the main foundation of the faith, proof that a boy born to a carpenter's wife in a manger is the Son of God.

But film-makers Cameron and Jacobovici claim to have amassed evidence through DNA tests, archaeological evidence and Biblical studies, that the 10 coffins belong to Jesus and his family.

Ever the showman, (Why does this remind me of the impresario in another movie,"King Kong", whose hubris blinds him to the dangers of an angry and very large ape?) Cameron is holding a New York press conference on Monday at which he will reveal that three of the coffins are supposedly those of Jesus of Nazareth, his mother Mary, and Mary Magdalene.

News about the film, which will be shown soon on Discovery Channel, Britain's Channel 4, Canada's Vision, and Israel's Channel 8, has been a hot blog topic in the Middle East (check out a personal favorite: Israelity Bites)

In the Holy Land, Biblical Archeology is a dangerous profession. This 90-minute documentary is bound to outrage Christians and stir up a titanic debate between believers and skeptics. Stay tuned.
--Tim McGirk/Jerusalem

In spite of what McGirk said in his post, Bar-Ilan University Prof. Amos Kloner, the Jerusalem District archaeologist who officially oversaw the work at the tomb in 1980 and has published detailed findings on its contents, on Saturday night dismissed the claims. "It makes a great story for a TV film," he told The Jerusalem Post. "But it's impossible. It's nonsense."

Kloner, who said he was interviewed for the new film but has not seen it, said the names found on the ossuaries were common, and he added that "Jesus, son of Joseph" inscriptions had been found on several other ossuaries over the years.

The only thing for sure about this documentary is that it's going to get a lot of publicity. Of course, that was the whole point, wasn't it?

Your "show me" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

Sunday Morning Funnies!

If it's "A penny for you thoughts," why does everyone feel the need to put their "two cents worth" in?

The waitress
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said; “No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Newfie!

Every country has a group that is the butt of jokes. In Great Britain it’s the Irish, in Germany it’s the Friese, (ME) and in Canada it’s the Newfie’s

Three women - one German, One Japanese, and a Newfie were sitting naked in a Jacuzzi. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German lady pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained. "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Newfie woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the Jacuzzi and went into the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging out from her behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and just stared at her. The Newfie woman said, "LORD THUNDERIN GEEZE, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTING A FAX."

Daisy

A few weeks ago (January 16th) we told you about James Crane who worked on the 101st floor of Tower 1 of the World Trade Center. He was blind so he had a golden retriever "seeing eye dog" named Daisy and she was with him on that 11th day of September, 2001!

The story was that Daisy led him to safety and then went back into the building twice and rescued over 900 people. After much research by your diligent scribe we have ascertained that the real story is that Daisy led her master to safety all right, but since he was blind they were so slow over 900 people piled up behind them.

Some idiot in the lobby thought the dog was leading them to safety when in actual fact they were being slowed down by the blind guy.

A common, but understandable mistake!!!!!!

AND NOW! OUR SUNDAY MORNING SERMON!

Your "preacher" scribe;
Allan W Janssen