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Middle aged hetrosexual, WASP male. Middle of the road, reasonably sane and  reasonably employed.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Penn and Teller; The Bible is Bullshit.



Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

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Saturday Morning Confusion!

As usual, lots of stuff happened this week to confuse, confound and mystify us!

A 43-year-old German man was taken to hospital in critical condition after he fell off a second storey balcony during a spitting contest with his 12-year-old son, police said Friday.

A spokesman for the police in the eastern town of Cottbus said the man in Forst had apparently lost his balance after thrusting too far forward in his attempt to out spit his son.

He tumbled over the ledge and landed on a balcony of the ground floor apartment, police said. He was taken to hospital in a rescue helicopter.

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Asia's largest design event showcased an unlikely hero: North Korean leader Kim Jong-ill.

The communist dictator was featured on key chains, T-shirts, and other artwork featured Sunday at Design Festa in Tokyo — an event featuring 6,000 artists from across the region.


One stall displayed greeting cards showing the leader, who famously sports a quiff, dressed as Elvis Presley and was titled "Jong Il B. Goode"

In apparent reference to an ongoing international standoff over North Korea's nuclear ambitions — and following Pyongyang's test of a nuclear weapon in October — other cards showed the secretive Kim posing in front of spy ships and mushroom clouds.

Elsewhere, key chains depicting the leader tied up in Japanese-style bondage ropes were sold out. Also popular was a stall selling T-shirts emblazoned with cartoon images of the leader.

"Kim Jong Il was one of our most popular models," said key chain designer Hayato Sakai, 32. "It's just a joke. Nobody takes it seriously."

"I think it's a timely theme," said illustrator Naotoshi Inoue, 46, who drew the Kim postcards. The design event opened just days after North Korea test-fired at least one short-range missile into waters between the Korean peninsula and Japan.

"If you think seriously about what Kim Jong Il is doing, it's so scary. But that's why it may also help to laugh," Inoue said.

Design Festa is held twice a year in Tokyo and is billed as Asia's biggest design event. About 60,000 people a year attend.
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Police found more than 8,000 pieces of women's clothing and lingerie in the home of a Japanese man who stole the items so he could sleep buried in them.

Maeyasu Kawamura, 60, was indicted for theft on Friday, police in Osaka prefecture, western Japan, said.

Police found 2,400 pieces of lingerie, 600 kimonos and 5,200 items of other clothing all piled up high in his small apartment room.

Kawamura has confessed to stealing the items, which included a wedding dress.
"He seemed to get a thrill out of sleeping covered in women's clothes," a police spokesman said. "He seemed to like the smell."

No further details were available.
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Guest Post, Mark Frauenfelder.

A Michigan man was arrested by police for accessing a coffee shop's public Wi-Fi hot spot. He was charged with a felony and faced up to 5 years in jail, but he took an offer of "paying a $400 fine, doing 40 hours of community service and staying on probation for six months."

The coffee shop owner said she was surprised by the arrest of 39-year-old Sam Peterson, who is a toolmaker, volunteer firefighter, and secretary of a bagpipe club. "He could have just come in the cafe, even if he didn't have any money, I would let him get on it," said the owner. Before the arrest, Peterson had no criminal record.

In the article about the incident, Sparta police chief Andrew Milanowski and Kent County assistant prosecuting attorney Lynn Hopkins come off as brittle, badly-programmed automatons.

"I was sitting there reading my e-mail and he came up and stuck his head inside my window and asked me who I was spying on," Peterson told FOXNews.com.

Someone from a nearby barbershop had called cops after seeing Peterson's car pull up every day and sit in front of the coffee shop without anybody getting out.

"I just curiously asked him, 'Where are you getting the Internet connection?', you know," Sparta Police Chief Andrew Milanowski said. "And he said, 'From the café.'"

Milanowski ruled out Peterson as a possible stalker of the attractive local hairdresser, but still felt that a law might have been broken.

"We came back and we looked up the laws and we figured if we found one and thought, 'Well, let's run it by the prosecutor's office and see what they want to do,'" Milanowski said.

A few weeks later Peterson said he received a letter from the Kent County prosecutor's office saying that he faced a felony charge of fraudulent access to computer networks and that a request had been made for an arrest warrant.

Looks like the cops and prosecutor's are getting that age old disease again - absence of common sense and decency, plus a personal abuse of authority!

Your "on the spot" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

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Friday, June 01, 2007

Kidney show a hoax!

TV company Endemol says a Dutch reality show featuring a contest to win a kidney is a hoax.

The Big Donor Show was billed to feature a terminally-ill woman choosing a recipient for her kidneys. However, at the last minute the programme's producers revealed on air that the woman starring on the reality show was an actress.

But the contestants trying to win the kidneys are genuine and are still in need of organs. All knew the programme was a hoax before they agreed to participate.

Programme makers Endemol said their show was intended to focus on the shortage of donor organs in the Netherlands.

(Kidney patient Caroline Klingers and her daughter Helen watch the live broadcast of the "Big Donor Show" on a television at the Kidney Patient Center in Bussum, central Netherlands, Friday June 1, 2007. The BNN television network said show is intended to draw attention to the shortage of organ donations for transplant. Doctors scoffed at the idea of a donation without careful screening to match the tissues of the donor and recipient, and the program has been widely condemned around Europe as tasteless and unethical. The network has identified the donor only as "Lisa," a 37-year-old woman with an inoperable brain tumor. During the show, BNN says, she will hear interviews with the three candidates, their families and friends before choosing who will get her kidney.)
Paul Römer, Managing Director of Endemol Netherlands, said: "If the Big Donor Show had been real it would indeed have been shocking but these facts illustrate that the reality is far more so.

"In staging this programme our goal has been to prompt a debate about this crisis in the Netherlands.

"In fact the impact of this has gone far wider than we imagined. This is an issue that goes beyond Dutch borders and across Europe. The message we want to send is that people need to take action now and fill in a donor card."

The Big Donor Show was condemned by Dutch Prime Minister Jan Peter Balkenende ahead of transmission and sparked controversy worldwide.

An Endemol spokesman told a news conference held after the programme: "I hope the indignation about the show will give way to indignation about the shortage of donors."

Speaking from experience, I have a step-son who almost died five years ago while waiting for a donor kidney.

Ontario is considering putting into place a law that makes organ donations automatic unless you specifically indicate you don't want to donate.

This is a great idea and should be implemented everywhere in North America.

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

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Thursday, May 31, 2007

He said WHAT?

There were a bunch of Indians here in Ontario who, about a dozen years ago, occupied land they claimed was theirs.

One thing led to another and the end result was that one of the unarmed natives got shot to death, and that's why the cops have been hesitant to uphold the law as far as illegal Indian Land Claims are concerned.

They just finished the inquest into the death this week, and in reporting on it, the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. had a piece of tape in which the Premier of Ontario (He's the big shot politician) said; "I want the fucking Indians off that land!"

Now since it was a public comment by the premier, the C.B.C. felt this was a good excuse to get the word "fuck" on the air and that's about all we have been hearing on the radio for the last two days. "I want those fucking Indians off that land!"

It got so bad with this juvenile excuse to use profanity on public radio that I am surprised it didn't go any further!

I'm fully expected the radio interviews didn't sink to new lows something like this:

"He said what!"

"Well sir, he said; 'I want those fucking Indians off that land!'"

"No, he didn't really say fuck, did he?"

"Yes sir, fuck!" "Loud as day!"

"Jesus Christ!"

"No sir, fuck!"

.... "fuckin Indians, eh!"

Yes sir, fuckin Indians!"

"Well holy fuck, I never thought that I would here the Premier say that!"

"Fuckin right sir, loud as day!"

Boy, what's this fuckin world coming too?"

"Fucked if I know sir!"

Your "wash your mouth out with soap" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

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Terrorist comments on "Freedom Tower"

After five long years work has finaly started on the Freedom Tower where the World Trade Center once stood.

Everyone agrees it's about time!

Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays

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Spam This!!!

A 27-year-old man described as one of the world's most prolific spammers was arrested Wednesday, and federal authorities said computer users across the Web could notice a decrease in the amount of junk e-mail.

Robert Alan Soloway is accused of using networks of compromised "zombie" computers to send out millions upon millions of spam e-mails.
"He's one of the top 10 spammers in the world," said Tim Cranton, a Microsoft Corp. lawyer who is senior director of the company's Worldwide Internet Safety Programs. "He's a huge problem for our customers. This is a very good day."

A federal grand jury last week returned a 35-count indictment against Soloway charging him with mail fraud, wire fraud, e-mail fraud, aggravated identity theft and money laundering.

Soloway pleaded not guilty Wednesday afternoon to all charges after a judge determined that — even with four bank accounts seized by the government — he was sufficiently well off to pay for his own lawyer.

While we are on the subject of spam, I got one of those phony "investment" letters in the mail today. The strange thing is that this one was in FRENCH!

Yea, right! I'm sure to answer that one!

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Quiet Time!

Cherish the quiet moments!

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How About a Hot Dog for Lunch?

A British performance artist has eaten part of a corgi, the breed of dog that is the favorite pet of Queen Elizabeth II, to protest the alleged mistreatment of animals by the royal family.

Mark McGowan set up a table on a London street Tuesday and dined on what he said was the meat from a corgi in hopes of drawing attention to media reports that Prince Philip, had beaten a fox to death during a hunt.

British performance artist Mark McGowan eats a piece of Corgi dog in a busy street in London Tuesday May 29, 2007. McGowan sat down at a pavement table and tucked into cooked corgi - Britain's Queen Elizabeth II's favourite animal. To make it more palatable, the corgi was turned into meat balls and served with salad. McGowan, who described himself as a vegetarian, looked physically ill as he chewed slowly through the first mouthful. He said the taste was disgusting.

"We love our animals in Britain," McGowan told AP Television News. "Why is it then that we then allow people, especially people who are supposed to be ambassadors for this country, to treat animals with such disrespect?"

Buckingham Palace declined to comment, and Britain's top animal-protection charity said there was no evidence to support the claim that Prince Philip abused the fox.

To make the corgi more palatable, it was mixed with apple, onion and seasoning, turned into meat balls, and served with salad.

McGowan said the corgi he consumed had died recently at a breeding farm and had not been killed for the purposes of the protest.

"I ate three lumps of it. But I spat two of them out, so I really ate one and a half of them," McGowan said.
Your "pass the mustard" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

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Yellowstone!









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Mini Mike!

Before we get into any preaching and moralizing let's watch this!


'Top Model' winner Jaslene Gonzalez reveals abusive past.

The road Jaslene Gonzalez traveled to become America's Next Top Model's eighth season winner was apparently a long one, as she had to overcome an abusive relationship prior to conquering the catwalk.

"Before I got into that relationship, I had a good head on my shoulders and walked with my head up high," said Gonzalez in the July issue of Seventeen, People reported Monday. "But during that relationship, things went down little by little. It was such a dark moment in my life. It was horrible!"

The 21-year-old online college admissions advisor from Chicago, IL said the relationship could have completely set her back from achieving her dream of winning Top Model, but she wouldn't let it.

And then there is Lindsy Lohan and Britney Spears and Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie and a whole host of young male stars who have had such a difficult time adjusting to the limelight.

It seems like every celebrity on the face of the Planet has demons in their closet that causes them to run up DUI's, assaults, inappropriate-hurtful-spiteful comments, nasty actions and all manner of other human failings.

Now, the question is, my dear friends; "Do I blame all my own failings and screw-ups on my terrible past and circumstances beyond my control, or do I stand up and take responsibility for my actions like a mature adult and take my lumps with a bit of dignity?"

Tough call eh?

Unfortunately, it's one that can only be resolved with age and maturity, which sort of cuts out all these young celebrity snots!

Your "hush, hush, and on the Q.T." scribe;
Allan W Janssen

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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Random Notes!

After years of diligent/careful anthropological research, I have come to the conclusion that the main ethnic distinction of Black's in North America is not rap music......... It's the use of bad grammar!


And you think we're tacky over here!

Latest word out of Holland is that a reality show there features a terminally ill woman and three contestants.

The winner of the three hopefuls gets one of her kidney's when she kicks! Really!

And finally, as another study has shown, anyone listening to Dan Hill's records for more than three hours at a time has an 80% chance of committing suicide! The other twenty percent will go out and buy socks and shoes!

Your "hush, hush and on the Q.T." scribe;
Allan W Janssen

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Asshole of the Week!

I'm only two days late but from now on every Sunday we are going to start the Sunday Morning Funnies section with our Asshole of the Week nomination.

This week our trophy and a loud fart go to Ken Ham, president of the group "Answers in Genesis" that founded the Kentucky Creationist Museum.

Just so you know!

Allan

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Well, French is good for something after all!

Edmonton's Valley Zoo is inviting the public to say "bonjour" to its newest Siberian tiger. Staff at the zoo have discovered that while Boris has lived in the land of rodeos and roughnecks for about a year, French remains his language of choice.

When the Quebec-born tiger arrived in May 2006, staff found him unresponsive to the English commands of staff. Ginette Heppelle, a French-speaking zookeeper from Saskatchewan was then asked to try a few lines in French.


"I said, 'Bonjour, Boris,' " said Heppelle, 29, who started work at the zoo around the same time Boris arrived. "I started to speak to him in French and he got up and came to see me."

Heppelle said Boris would even perk up when visitors gave greetings in French.

"Especially at the beginning, because that (French) is what he's used to," she explained just as Boris let fly with a powerful spray to mark his territory, much to the shock of photographers who scrambled to get out of the way.

Boris's preference for "la belle langue" may not come as a surprise to many animal trainers, who have known for years that higher-functioning animals will recognize and respond to particular human languages.

According to Dr. Christopher Sturdy, a psychologist at the University of Alberta who studies animal behaviour, dogs and cats can be taught in and respond to virtually any language.

Your "how's it goin, eh" scribe; (That's Canadian!)

Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

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Monday, May 28, 2007

What Kind of Person are You?

I took a quick test and it came back like this!
Allan, you scored as Fun. Your fun fun fun!

Fun

94%

Outgoing

63%

Nice

44%

Dramatic

31%

Shy

25%

mean

19%

Immature

13%

WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU?
created with QuizFarm.com

WHAT ARE YOUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS? I am obviously an Agnostic!

You scored as Agnostic, Agnostics consider the possibility
that they may be wrong about God's existence, no matter which
side of the fence they stand on. Always willing to objectively
evaluate the most ridiculous proof, nevertheless, these guys
are skeptics of the Nth degree.

Agnostic

92%

Spiritual Atheist

83%

Scientific Atheist

75%

Apathetic Atheist

67%

Theist

50%

Militant Atheist

33%

Angry Atheist

33%

What religion are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

WHAT ARE YOUR POLITICS?

Allan, you scored as Democrat,

Democrat

92%

Anarchism

75%

Socialist

67%

Green

67%

Republican

58%

Fascism

33%

Nazi

33%

Communism

25%

What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In?
created with QuizFarm.com

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Oh shit.... Yea, and lots of It!

Turkeys and chickens produce a LOT of poop.

As a matter of fact, ALL animals produce a significant amount of waste products.

Remember, cows contribute up to 3% of all the carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, just by being good farters!!!

Anyway, the problem of bird droppings from large turkey and chicken farms was finally solved by burning it for power!




The technology to turn that litter into electricity was developed by Scotsman Simon Fraser, whose job was to produce heat for a wood-burning distillery.

His brother was running a poultry farm that needed to get rid of its waste, so Fraser decided to try burning it instead of wood.

After some experimentation to make the often wet litter more flammable, he managed to turn it into a stable fuel.

The Frasers — the company is chaired by son Rupert Fraser — have now come to the U.S.

In addition to a Minnesota plant, the Newtown, Penn. -based company is looking at several other locations in North Carolina, Arkansas, Maryland and Mississippi.

"Really, we're all about restoring the environmental balance," says the younger Fraser. "We're creating energy; we're encouraging the sustainability of the poultry industry; and the fertilizer that is produced from the ash is really popular with the farmers."

The $202 million Minnesota plant, which began construction in 2004, will generate about 55 megawatts of electricity from the 700,000 tons of turkey litter and other agricultural biomass it expects to burn each year.

The electricity is being sold to Xcel Energy under a 21-year power purchase agreement. "That's enough energy to fuel about 50,000 homes," says Fraser.

Back in Benson, townsfolk are embracing the idea of poop power.

"I'm not an environmentalist," said Dr. Rick Horecka. "But it makes sense. The local farmers used to have to pay to get rid of this stuff. Now they'll get paid for it. It won't hurt the environment. And it produces something we need.

There's a few skeptics, but we really are convinced it is a good thing for the community."

Your "never mind the smell, full speed ahead" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

Just a quick note!

This is a quick note because I'm on my way to the hospital to see my wife. (Thank God she's coming home tomorrow!)

I took a "virtual tour" of that new 30 million dollar Creationists Museum in Kentucky and was quite amazed!

Here we have exhibits showing the universe as 7,000 years old. Noah's flood was 4500 years ago and carved out the Grand Canyon, and dinosaurs that lived alongside humans in the not too distant past.

Although I could "intellectually" connect with what they were saying, there is no way that I could "emotionally" come to terms with what I was seeing!

A little voice in the back of my head kept saying; "They can't REALLY be THAT fucking stupid! Can they?

In other words, look at it this way.

Remember watching episodes of "Twilight Zone" where the guy saw something that was impossible, but there it was, none the less.

You know, like the gremlin on the wing of the airplane that only William Shatner could see.





Or all the people that were driven mad by what they witnessed while in the "Zone."

Well, that's just what I felt like when I was reading this stuff from Kentucky's Creationist Museum.

Out of this world man, out of this world!

Your "dazed and confused" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

(There is this little voice in the back of my head that keeps saying; This is just one vast conspiracy to fuck with my head man, because NOBODY, if they were reasonably sane and rational, could really believe that shit!)

Allan W Janssen is the author of The Plain Truth About God-101 (what the church doesn't want you to know!) www.God-101.com

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Sunday Morning Funnies!

I would like you to know that even though I might make fun of people from the Southern States at times, (You know, Kentucky, Georgia, Alabama, Arkansas, Louisiana etc.) because of their narrow minded, right wing fundamentalist views on Creation, Abortion, Biblical Literacy, Stem Cell Research, The American Way, Scientific Endeavours, Morality and General Sophistication, I in no way mean these things personally and bear you no ill will.

If you don't know who I am talking about, the people in question do!

And by the way, Canada is NOT a foreign country....... Louisiana IS!


(And by the way, Neil Young had it right!)

-You're probably a redneck if you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
-You might be a redneck if your house is mobile and the six cars in your front yard are not.
-You're probably a redneck if you can burp and say your name at the same time.
-You just might be a Red Neck if You've ever used lard in bed.
-You might be a redneck if you buy your mom False Teeth for mother's day.
-You have to help your richest relative remove the tires from their new home.
-Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
-You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
-You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
-Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as
"goin Wal-Martin."
-Your home has more miles on it than your car.
-There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
-Your pocket knife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A”.
-Your sister has a "Soldier of Fortune" subscription.
-Your wife is your sister and your daughter.
Your bank checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
-You've ever stabbed someones hand while reaching for the last pork chop.
-On Christmas eve, you left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.
-When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
-Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
-Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
-Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
-Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
-Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
-Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
-It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
-If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
-Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
-A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
-Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
-Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
-If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

-Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be hand-me-down item.
-While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
-Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
-Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
-Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
-You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
-You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
-You've ever made change in the offering plate.
-If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year”.
-You've been on TV more than five times describing the sound of a tornado.
-You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
-You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
-Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
-You have a special baseball cap for formal occasions.
-Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
-You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
-Your family tree does not fork.
-You know you are a redneck when the only pool u have is a sees pool.
-And finally, what’s the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
………Hey guys watch this!

(With thanks to Jeff Foxworthy for the inspiration!)

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase it's sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged - my wife won twice last week”.

Your "kissin cousin" scribe;
Allan W Janssen

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